Secretary 4 Life

Gojo!

2012-01-19T05:29:00.000-05:00

Did they use pink soap to write the note too?

IT Guy Asked to Put Together Bookcase

2012-01-17T09:00:00.004-05:00

IT professional of eleven years, Chuck Brennan, 44, was in the middle of a complex firewall installation on Thursday, when asked if he wouldn’t mind putting together the new bookcase that just came in, when he gets a chance.

Brennan, who has neither the experience nor the desire to perform the degrading manual labor often asked of him, is unsure where exactly in his job description it says that he’s the office fucking handyman.

“I have a Master’s Degree in Information Technology” stated Brennan, gesturing toward the multitude of framed certificates displayed on his cubicle walls. “But because I’m over forty, wear jeans to work, and made the mistake of mentioning a fleeting interest in Big Buck Hunter, people suddenly think I want to help them clear out the storage room.”

The bookcase, which Brennan barely even knows how to get out of the God damned box, requires the use of a wrench - a tool that everybody assumes he has because “he’s got all sorts of plugs and stuff over there.”

“A wrench, yeah I’ve got a wrench,” said Brennan, setting aside the fate of company security so that office manager, Shannon Cresley, will have somewhere to stick her binders. “I had to buy a wrench last month when they assumed I knew how to fix a pipe in the break room sink.”

“Thank God for eHow,” he added.

In addition to maintaining network servers, performing daily backups of critical company files, and training the entire worthless organization on the use of Microsoft Office 2010, Brennan has also been able to add “vacuuming up rodent droppings” and “figuring out why it’s fifty degrees on this side of the office, but hot as hell on the other side” to his resume.

“It’s cool though,” said Brennan, hammering the last nail into the company’s new bookcase/proverbial coffin. “Come Monday, when my latest Trojan is running buck wild through their wide open network like a pack of rabid hyenas, we’ll just see who has the time to assemble furniture.”

“Or, you know, go to lunch.”

The Broship of The Ring

2012-01-16T05:46:00.000-05:00

This cracked me up....it's a modern day interpretation of Lord of the Rings by Noelle Stevenson, an illustration major at Maryland Institute College of Art:

The hobbits are hipsters, the Nazgul are on bikes, and here is Saruman tweeting to Sauron on his laptop:

I love what you can find on a random Google search.

Company Welcomes First Jargon of the New Year

2012-01-12T14:00:00.002-05:00

January 3, 2012 - At precisely 9:37 a.m., amidst whispered words of encouragement from conference call participants, the first corporate jargon of the new year was quietly welcomed into the world by Boartman Consulting Project Manager, Peter Holloway, 36.

“Look,” said Holloway, speaking to Director of Marketing for Taco Bell’s Northeast Division, Ryan Berkley. “I’m not sure if an Asian fusion breakfast Chalupa is going to be in your best interest at this time of year. But, you know, we’ll run it up the flagpole.”

As soon as the adorable bundle of brainless mumbo jumbo made its way into the world, Holloway slumped back in his chair - clearly exhausted - while secretary, Amber Goldstein, wiped the sweat from his brow.

“I’m just so, so, lucky to have been able to share in this today,” said Amber, her eyes growing damp with thoughts of the overused miracle she just witnessed. “I know these sayings happen every day, sometimes up to three times in one sentence, but there is just something special about the first one of the new year.”

This was a joyous event for employees of Boartman Consulting, as the first hackneyed gibberish of 2011 did not appear until January 5th, after complications arose and an emergency team meeting needed to be held.

“It was pretty touch and go back in ‘11,” said last year’s proud Account Manager, Todd Berger, 47. “I was a few days overdue and I thought maybe I just didn’t have the strength to bring a new stale colloquialism into the world. But with lots of meaningless PowerPoint slides, several cups of coffee, and two lines of coke in the men’s room, ‘fail to plan and plan to fail’ made its way into the world at a healthy seven syllables.”

As the proud spurter of this year’s New Year’s jargon, Holloway will receive an extra shitload of work, plus a minimum of six abusive status update telephone calls from the client.

“Nobody said it would be easy,” said Holloway, reclining in his leather desk chair and sucking on ice chips. “But it’s the only way to ensure that our race of uninspired, insipid, drivel continues for generations to come. If we didn’t do it, the world might be left with nothing but original thoughts and ideas.”

As employees excitedly pressed their faces up to the glass door of Holloway’s office, taking photos and waving teddy bears, Goldstein gently closed the blinds in order to allow her boss some much needed rest.

“Beautiful, simply beautiful,” said receptionist, Marge Anderson, 64, reluctantly returning to her desk. “What better time to recycle the same old bullshit phrases you’ve been using for the past three decades, than at the start of a brand new year?”

TP

2012-01-11T06:54:00.001-05:00

I find little in this world more frustrating and humbling than trying to detach the end of a roll of commercial toilet paper. One is left weeping and pantless beside a pile of one ply shards.

Business!

2012-01-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday J.R.R. Tolkien

2012-01-03T16:28:00.001-05:00

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass." - LoTR

There was a dark time in my life when I didn't even know what a hobbit was. And I had never heard of a Bilbo. Thank goodness that shadow has passed.

The Last Thing

2011-12-12T14:34:00.001-05:00

Can more than one thing be the "last" thing that you feel like doing? Because I've got a whole list of them at work today.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a $5 Gift Card

2011-12-08T14:00:00.001-05:00

After twenty-five minutes in front of the gift card display at her local Stop & Shop, Annabeth Miller is still undecided on which shitty $5 gift cards to purchase her coworkers for Christmas.

"My cube neighbor, Jim, he never has time for lunch," said Miller. "So I thought I could get him one to McDonald's. It won't cover a full value meal, but that’s the beauty of it. If he just wants to grab a snack wrap or something off the dollar menu, this will be perfect."

"And Melanie and Marjorie are always drinking coffee, so I thought I'd get them each one to Starbucks." Miller plucked two cards from the display, then quickly swapped them back for two Dunkin Donuts cards. "No, these are better. If they use it for a coffee at Dunkin they could probably also be able to afford a donut. Probably not a muffin though." Miller stared thoughtfully at the gift cards for an additional fifteen seconds before hanging them back up on the rack as well.

"You know, I did see some cute Santa mugs that are filled with hard candies over on the seasonal aisle. A cup of coffee only lasts a few hours, but those they’d be able to eat for a long time," said Miller, shuffling off to the seasonal aisle and returning with two tacky Santa mugs filled with an unappealing assortment of root beer and butterscotch flavored lozenges.

The most wonderful time of the year

She then proceeded to swap the McDonald's gift card for Sonic, Coldstone, Sonic again, Chipotle, Rite-Aid, and Subway, in that order, before putting them all back and grabbing a plain blue beer koozie out of the Manager’s Special bin. "Maybe I'll just get Jim one of these. I mean, he doesn't even leave the fucking office."

While she was at it, Miller also grabbed worthless $5 gift cards for her hairdresser, nail technician, and mailman, stating that “everybody loves eBay,” before changing her mind and exchanging them all for Taco Bells because “you can also use those at KFC.”

"God, I almost forgot about Susan,” said Miller, speaking of Susan Warner, her long-time coworker and confidante. “Susan and I have had so many meaningful talks over the years - I really want to make her five dollars special. I was thinking Red Lobster." Miller eagerly searched the display rack for the familiar red crustacean logo, only to be met with a "This item is temporarily out of stock" placard hanging solemnly in its place.

"That's a real shame," lamented Miller. "I don't know how I would get through each day without Susan to confide in." Upon being informed that there were plenty of $15 Red Lobster gift cards available, Miller simply laughed.

"You're funny," she added, her fingers accidentally grazing a $10 Amazon gift card before snatching a plastic snowman filled with M&M's from a nearby shelf. "One time the vending machine gave Susan a bag of M&M's instead of an Almond Joy. She made a bunch of jokes about how it was the ‘final blow to her crushed spirits’ since Almond Joy is her favorite. So this will be hilarious. Yeah, I’m going to get her this, and maybe I’ll grab a nice card on the way out."

After fifteen more minutes of debate, Miller was spotted filling her basket with travel-sized body lotions before abandoning all the gifts in a Pepperidge Farm display on aisle six.

The Collapse of Public Education in America

2011-12-06T21:05:00.000-05:00

Via: Online Universities Blog
Let's just skip down to the part where it shows the salaries of men & women with the same level of education. Are there seriously male secretaries out there who earn $10K more than me? Are there seriously male secretaries?

Reviews

2011-12-01T05:31:00.001-05:00

Thank you Snowdrop Dreams of Books and Life With Attitude for your reviews of What Stays in Vegas!

Happy 176th Birthday Mark Twain

2011-11-30T09:16:00.001-05:00

"There are wise people who talk ever so knowingly and complacently about "the working classes," and satisfy themselves that a day's hard intellectual work is very much harder than a day's hard manual toil, and is righteously entitled to much bigger pay. Why, they really think that, you know, because they all know about the one, but haven't tried the other. But I know all about both; and as far as I am concerned, there isn't money enough in the universe to hire me to swing a pickaxe thirty days, but I will do the hardest kind of intellectual work for just as near nothing as you can cipher it down--and I will be satisfied, too. Intellectual "work" is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation and its own highest reward. The poorest paid architect, engineer, general, author, sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor, preacher, singer, is constructively in heaven when he is at work; and as for the magician with the fiddle-bow in his hand who sits in the midst of a great orchestra with the ebbing and flowing tides of divine sound washing over him--why certainly, he is at work, if you wish to call it that, but lord, it's a sarcasm just the same. The law of work does seem utterly unfair--but there it is, and nothing can change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, also. And it's also the very law of those transparent swindles, transmissible nobility and kingship."
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

Family Circle

2011-11-25T08:45:00.001-05:00

It's articles like this that make me revel in the fact that I buy all my Christmas decorations at Target.

Secretary4Life's Thanksgiving Countdown

2011-11-10T14:00:00.003-05:00

Since November 1st, I’ve noticed some people on Facebook doing a countdown where they list one thing that they’re thankful for each day until Thanksgiving. That is all very positive and nice, but since I know that nobody cares if I’m thankful that I will be long dead before artificial intelligence enslaves the human race, I have instead created a list of 24 things that I am thankful for at the office. Because, contrary to how it feels when you have direct deposit - they do actually pay us to be here. So let’s take a look at the perks:

They pay us to be here.
Sure it’s 62 degrees in the office, but a toasty space heater is pretty nice while I...
Sip on a Starbucks coffee from down the street while....
Surfing the Internet for hours at a time in my....
Ridiculously huge cubicle before...
Heading out to lunch at Chipotle in...
My car that I otherwise would not have been able to afford, and in which I am also...
Sent on road trips to picturesque New England towns, although...
I am sometimes sent to Worcester in the rain. But time outside the office is time outside the office.
I am thankful for email and its contribution to the reduction of human interaction.
I am thankful that I am not a receptionist who answers the phone all day (no offense, receptionists). See also #10.
It’s nice that we have a water cooler...
And a Keurig coffee maker...
And vending machines. Because at my last office we drank out of the sink and starved.
This company rescued me and my Dixie cup of tap water from my last job, for which I am forever grateful (see #14).
After six years of layoffs and firings, I still have a few close friends with whom to make fun of everybody else.
Other people’s bodily functions play little to no part in my daily routine.
Sometimes I look outside and see deer and turkeys which is kind of cool. Other times...
I look in the kitchen and see free turkey sandwiches. Also cool.
Our tree that smells like dog feces has finally fallen over.
I am confident that it will be at least five years before my job is given to a pair of robot arms screwed into the back of a chair.
I’ve been blessed with learning three different timesheet programs in the past six years (getting.... harder.....to keep up......positive......attitude......)
Even a pair of robot arms wouldn’t be able to figure out our latest timesheet program, and I’ll take that as job security.
With the day after Thanksgiving off, I don’t have to see this hellish prison ‘til Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Free Book! Free Book!

2011-11-08T05:38:00.000-05:00

Get a free copy of What Stays in Vegas from Smashwords using coupon code BK26Q through November 30th. Versions are available for Kindle, Nook, and other e-readers.

If you like it, please leave me a review on Amazon. Thanks!

The Cami Secret is to not buy this

2011-11-04T12:35:00.001-04:00

Hmm, show off some nice looking cleavage or look like you shoved a pair of granny panties down the front of your shirt? Tough choice.

I Am Very Thankful

2011-11-04T12:23:00.001-04:00

Wendy's has redeemed itself! I don't know what was going on the last time I tried the new Hot n' Juicy burger, but it was absolutely terrible. Maybe they read my horrific review because I decided to give it a second chance and...wow! From the total turnaround in presentation (paper, open wrapper), to the thicker patty and as-promised crinkle cut pickles, crunchy onions, and buttery bun, it was fantastic. If I can make it the rest of the afternoon without a stomachache, we have ourselves a winner.

Book Giveaway!

2011-11-03T13:24:00.000-04:00

“Somewhat better than reading a Coldwater Creek catalog while you eat breakfast.” ~ Newsweek

“Short. It was short.” ~ The Washington Post

I am going to personally pull 3 copies of my book, Coffee Breath, from the stack in my basement, and mail them out to 3 lucky winners!

All you need to do is leave me a comment below saying what your favorite book was as a kid, and I will select the winners using random.org on November 17th. If you happen to list the book that was also my childhood favorite, I’ll send you a copy too. Why not, I have like 20 of them.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that I will get 3 comments total, so your chances are pretty damn good. If you do win, and you like it as much as the fake Washington Post did, please be so kind as to leave me a review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.com.

Good luck!

The Bling Ring

2011-10-28T21:50:00.000-04:00

From the producer of The Tooth Fairy, The Santa Clause 3, and if I had to guess - The Zookeeper - comes The Bling Ring - a Lifetime Channel/Disney Channel style mashup about a gang of teenagers in Los Angeles who break into celebrity homes and steal a bunch of worthless crap worth millions.

After ripping this movie and all of its unbelievable details to shreds, I come to find out that it’s actually based on a true story. But, seeing that this is what the real girl looked like:

and this is what the actress looks like:

I think we can pretty much look at this movie as a piece of fiction.

The movie starts with Zack Garvey (Austin Butler) driving to his fancy new Hollywood high school with his mom (Jennifer-shitty-roles-since-the-nose-job-Grey). As mom ooh’s and aah’s over how nice the school looks, Zack points out that he, being a screw-up, actually goes to the “continuation school.” He points to what is clearly a trailer full of porto-potties.

As soon as Zack gets out of the car, along comes the stereotypical, superficial, Asian chick, named Natalie (Yin Chang), who is wearing white nylon stockings and a mini skirt. 1995? Is that you? At one point Natalie actually uses the phrase “as if.” I am tempted to turn this crap off, but Dion and the guy from Scrubs should be along soon and that’s when the movie will really get - oh wait, wrong movie. The girls eventually stop jumping up and down and saying "yay!" long enough to call Zack over to take their picture. As if. Girls like that would never talk to this guy in real life - sure from some angles he looks like Justin Bieber, but from others he looks like Napoleon Dynamite. Zack goes ahead and takes the picture and then scampers into the porto-johns to attend homeroom.

After school, Natalie convinces Zack to let her drive him home, and she invites herself into his house. There we see a million framed head-shots of Zack that his mom has hung up as a reminder that he used to be a good kid who auditioned for cereal commercials and said things like “there’s no hope with dope.” It is a real tragedy that he will never again be exploited by an overbearing stage mother.

Under the eyes of a thousand creepy head-shots, Zack introduces his lingerie clad hooker friend to his mom:

Mom: You must be a friend of Zack’s?
Natalie: Weren’t you in Dirty Dancing?
Mom: I’m so glad Zack is making friends.
Natalie: You really shouldn’t have done that to your no -
Mom: I know.

After revealing that Zack’s dad is super cool and does payroll for a movie studio, Natalie decides that the two of them must crash a party that Zack knows about at Club Bosso. Cue the Rodeo Drive shopping montage where Natalie shoplifts a studded leather wrist cuff and Zack unintentionally distracts the saleslady by hyperventilating into a paper bag. They were made for each other! Let the crime spree begin!

The plot of the story eventually gets going, with Zack and Natalie showing up to a party at Paris Hilton’s house, only to discover that nobody is there, and that Paris Hilton doesn’t lock her doors. Not only does she not lock her doors, but she also doesn’t lock her gates or have any sort of security whatsoever. They walk right in and start ransacking clothes from her closet, eventually selling them to a creep named Vin who looks a lot like Matt Dillon. We’ll call him Lifetime’s Version of Matt Dillon (LVMD) and probably never refer to him again.

Now comes my favorite part. We meet Detective Archie Fishman, played by Tom Irwin - a real actor. This guy’s been in tons of television shows and movies (and I’m talking outside of the Lifetime Movie Network, not William R. Moses style). So when Tom's opening scene finds him walking around Paris Hilton’s closet, clutching a blue sequined Versace gown, and rifling through Tinkerbell’s collection of tutu’s for fingerprints, well, I just feel very depressed.

In another scene, Fishman is reading a copy of US Weekly for police “research,” and his wife reminds him that he’s only working on this stupid case in order to put his daughter through college. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the actor himself has a daughter in college and desperately needed some cash. I heard your hidden message, Tom. I heard it, and I forgive you.

Eventually we get to meet Zack’s dad who is an emotionally abusive ass, intent on ruining family dinners with conversations about how his son is a huge failure. “Is that what you spend all day thinking about? Getting into night clubs?” Cut to a classic scene of Zack’s parents sitting down to a two layer sheet cake all by themselves because Zack (the screw-up) is “out with his friends.” There’s even a Happy Birthday banner on the wall like the Dad is six years old, and there are fucking party hats on the table. Even if the Dad were the nicest guy in the world and the inventor of Disneyland, I wouldn’t expect a teenager to show up to that shit.

While the birthday party is in full swing, Zack, Natalie, and Natlie’s girlfriends are continuing to rob celebrity homes, including Audrina Patridge, Megan Fox, and eventually Orlando Bloom. All of these celebs have surveillance cameras that aren’t hooked up to any sort of alarm system. Actually, I'm pretty sure they are just broadcast straight to YouTube. Detective Fishman, and an assortment of other serious actors who may have since ended their acting careers and lives, sit around the police station trying to figure out who the perpetrators are based on these surveillance tapes (which, if they only pushed the damn Zoom button, they would be able to figure out in about ten seconds since none of the kids are wearing masks).

A sad day for serious actors

Instead, the cops set up a fake Facebook account and post one message that says “Looking for high end designer clothing, previous owner must be famous.” Then they go have coffee, and probably donuts. Fine job, boys.

If you want to skip ahead to where the movie starts to “get real,” just go to 1:09. Zack is confronted by Detective Fishman and has it out with his ass of a Dad (a/k/a Ass Dad). “I tried so hard to be proud of you!” yells Ass Dad. “You’re jealous of me!” fires back Zack. “Why would anyone be jealous of you?” says Ass Dad “Can’t you just admit that you’re a screw up?" Ouch. Once you've said that phrase to your child you've pretty much sealed the deal on eventually being sent away to a nursing home.

The movie goes on in this manner for way too long, until the kids finally get caught after robbing Orlando Bloom’s house. Zack wants LVMD to get caught, so he sells him a watch that he immediately posts to Detective Fishman's lame Facebook page. Using a SEARCH search:

and a couple of Encyclopedia Brown books, Detective Fishman gets the evidence he needs to arrest everybody. I don’t really know the details. The movie was horrible and I got up to make popcorn and feed the cats right before it ended.

The movie ends with Zack waxing poetic into his webcam as the police are on their way to arrest him. We never do find out if they go to jail, or if Ass Dad has a well-deserved coronary. If you’re really interested you can check out the whole story on Wikipedia. But really, it’s best if you just forget this whole thing ever happened.

Tom Irwin will thank you.

Employee Grabs for Low-Hanging Fruit, Dies

2011-10-27T13:57:00.001-04:00

Bickman-Bergmeyer employee, Daryl Pitman, 47, died yesterday after a failed attempt at grabbing the low-hanging fruit.

“It was just so sad,” said Administrative Assistant, Donna Carr. “We all saw it happen. Our boss, Larry, had just gotten through telling us that in these tough economic times we need to go after the low-hanging fruit. The next thing we know, Daryl’s outside crumpled on the ground, the low-hanging fruit crushed beneath his massive frame. He was in no shape to attempt that.”

Pitman, who was all amped up on caffeine and corporate jargon after a two hour meeting about business development, returned to his desk to send what would become his final email to the office.

“I’m going to go for it,” the email simply read.

At 3:00 p.m. Pitman took a running start from the west entrance of the building, got maybe a quarter of an inch off the ground, and then went down like a tranquilized water buffalo. One pathetic orange and a couple of berries fell to the ground below, most likely knocked loose by a frightened squirrel, and were later identified by upper management as “totally useless.”

“It was the low-hanging fruit, for Christ sake,” said Branch Manager, Larry Marshall. “By definition, it requires no effort to grab. You’d think anyone could handle it. But apparently when you’re 5’ 9”, 290 pounds, even that’s too much to ask.” Marshall shook his head in disgust at the fruit stained chalk outline below his window.

Coworkers remember Pitman as someone who always tried to do his best for the company, regardless of human physical limitations.

“I remember one time in 2008,” said Carr, “when he tried so hard to give 110%. He’d get up to 100% and then he’d scrunch his face up real hard and start sweating. It was sweet. He ended up with a hiatal hernia and two bleeding ulcers, but I’ll be damned if we didn’t sign four new clients that year.”

2011-10-25T21:30:00.000-04:00

This video just makes me realize how much awesome stuff is on the Internet that I probably don't know about:

A New Study!

2011-10-24T21:17:00.000-04:00

A new, and most likely extremely scientific, study has found that working women only look their best for 2 hours and 22 minutes each day (from when they leave their house until about 10:03 a.m.). I can believe that. My straightened hair is usually curled up before I'm even done feeding the cats. By the time 10:03 rolls around most office workers have been sobbing for an hour and a half, and that will smudge anyone's mascara. Add in rocking back and forth in your chair with your face buried in your hands and wiping Chipotle off your chin with a paper napkin, and you're bound to look a little less than perfect by the end of the day.

25% of women polled also said that the more makeup they applied in the morning, the better they felt throughout the day. I don't buy that for a second. Mimi was a total bitch ALL day.

Free Book!

2011-10-19T07:33:00.000-04:00

Through Sunday October 23rd, use coupon code ZJ34V and get a free e-book copy of What Stays in Vegas from Smashwords!

All I ask is that you leave me a review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble, thank you!

A Dapper Snapper Day

2011-10-14T11:09:00.001-04:00

I'm going to be all mom-like now and tell all you other moms about this great piece of mom technology called the Dapper Snapper:

It snaps around your toddler's belt loops in the back and holds up all their pants that you thought were too big. No longer does your child have to look like Steve Urkel because the only pants that fit his waist are too high above his ankles.

P. S. If you find that even with the Dapper Snapper your kid still looks like Steve Urkel, well, then you have yourself a problem.

Is It National Boss Day Already?

2011-10-13T14:00:00.004-04:00

I couldn’t help but laugh when I noticed that National Boss Day (Sunday, October 16th) was listed on my Dunkin Donuts calendar as “National Boss Day Observed,” on Monday, October 17th. I know that a calendar that commemorates Cream Filled Donut Day and Croissant Day (I’m lookin’ at you January 30th) should not be taken seriously. But I need to ask - is there anybody out there who actually celebrates National Boss Day?

I mean, I like my bosses. I’m lucky that they’ve always treated me well. But I’m not going to buy them a Macy’s gift card and a bouquet of tulips. Why? 1) Because they’re men, and 2) they make four times as much money as I do. Besides, isn’t doing my job well a gift in itself? Every time I type a letter without typos, or print a document without punching the bejesus out of the printer, it’s as if I am telling my bosses “I respect you.” When you cater to somebody’s every whim and scramble around trying to make sure everything they ask for is done quickly - that makes every day Boss Day. Much like every day is Two Year Old Kid Day. If you haven’t figured that much out yet, you probably find yourself getting fired a lot.

I read an article suggesting taking your boss out to lunch or for coffee to celebrate. Obviously they don’t realize that Edward Cullen, C3PO, and my bosses don’t actually consume food. Sure they walk around crinkling energy bar wrappers and loudly asking each other if they want anything from Wendy’s, but that’s all for show. All the coffee they appear to drink really just drains into bottles that they store inside their hollowed out android legs. Clearly, taking them out for lunch or coffee would be a colossal waste of time.

No thanks, I already ate

So, Dunkin Donuts calendar, why don’t we just leave National Boss Day where it belongs - on Sunday. That way we can celebrate it from our respective homes without having to see each other until Monday. In the meantime, I will leave you with an example of a boss who actually does deserve recognition on National Boss Day...and one who should probably just die:

Boss who deserves to be honored:When the Malden Mills factory in Methuen, MA burned down in 1995, Aaron Feuerstein used the insurance money to continue paying 3,000 employees their salaries (plus full benefits) while the factory was rebuilt. In 1998 he was awarded the Peace Abbey Courage of Conscience Award.

Boss who does not:When Ashley Alford was sitting on the stockroom floor of Aaron’s furniture store in 2005, her boss Richard Moore came up behind her and put his penis on her head.

The Modern American Worker

2011-10-12T13:30:00.002-04:00

Glad to see my career is the number 3 most popular in the U.S. Most likely this is because ANYBODY CAN DO IT.

Via: Business Insurance Hub

2011-10-11T16:06:00.001-04:00

I wonder if my boss will forget about himself.

2011-10-10T09:37:00.000-04:00

Secretary4Life Someecards

Mother May I Sleep With Lifetime

2011-10-09T20:50:00.000-04:00

While doing some research (googling) for my last blog post about that heinous Lifetime movie The Perfect Roommate, I came across this hilarious Lifetime movie review blog! Tomorrow being a holiday that I have to work, I plan to spend some serious time checking it out.

The movies are categorized by theme, such as: jerkwad boyfriend/husband, graveside funeral, watersports, Stamos, stairs of doom, and rape as a plot device.

I almost can't wait to get to work tomorrow!

We both wear men's shirts

This Review Contains Spoilers

2011-10-07T05:40:00.002-04:00

But it doesn’t matter, because you should never watch this movie. I’ve never done a movie review before, mostly because they don’t fit the content of my office humor blog. But one of my favorite Sunday activities, in order to ward off thoughts of the impending work week, is watching a good Lifetime movie. So when one of them leaves me disappointed and shocked as to, not the poor quality (as that is expected), but the total dud of an ending, I feel compelled to spread the word.

As you may or may not know, Lifetime movies typically focus on the story of one unfortunate woman or another - maybe she’s anorexic, or wrongly accused of murder, or being beat senseless by John Schneider for purchasing the wrong kind of potato salad (“You know I hate German!!”). The best ones were made in the early 1990’s, and the worst ones were made in 2009 and beyond. Recently, the quality of the acting and the look of the movies in general have come to resemble soft core porn. I have a theory that the “full” versions of these movies actually do exist on Cinemax, with Lifetime purchasing them for twelve bucks, editing out the sex, and airing them as “television for women.” It could happen.

Anyhow, you can imagine my delight when I plopped down in front of the t.v. and saw that The Perfect Roommate (2011) was on Lifetime On Demand. With a description like this, it felt like Christmas:

“Carrie Remington seems like any other struggling waitress who's had a run of bad luck including a recent divorce. Things seem to be improving when she moves in with Ashley Dunnfield, a young woman from a wealthy background who's trying to make it on her own without assistance from her father, Richard. Ashley is thrilled when Carrie helps to win her father over, but when Carrie starts dating Richard, Ashley starts digging into her past and finds out that there is much she didn't know about her new roommate's sinister history.”

The movie was doomed from the very beginning by the casting of main character Carrie. There was something disturbing about her, and I’m not talking about her ‘sinister history.’ I’m talking about her bowl cut. I’m talking about the fact that she looks like a nightmare version of Katie Holmes. I’m talking about the fact that this so-called seductress appeared to be hiding a nine months pregnant body under strange, billowy, outfits. All of that combined made it laughable when Ashley’s 22 year old boyfriend describes her as being “hot.” Yeah, maybe if you find the love child of Paul McCartney and a Twiddlebug to be up your alley.

So, Carrie moves in with Ashley after telling her that the friend she’s been living with has died, and that she has no place to live. Ashley, meanwhile, is dealing with her own drama involving her mega-rich dad, Richard (hereafter referred to as “Mega Dick”) and his inability to let her live her own life. Ashley’s dad is played by William R. Moses, who my husband I lovingly refer to as “that guy who will do anything.” He’s been in countless Lifetime movies, usually playing a bland husband, bland dad, or bland sex addicted proctologist. Even if he’s not playing a main character, it’s a safe bet that you’ll spot him driving through the background in a mail truck. We figure his career goes something like this:

Lifetime Exec: Mr. Moses? We have an idea for a movie...

WRM: I’ll do it.

Lifetime Exc: Don’t you even want to know what it’s abou-

WRM: Sign me up.

Lifetime Exec: But sir, you’ll be playing a cross-dressing -

WRM: When do I start?

Hey, the guy’s gotta eat. And usually when you see his name in the cast list you can expect a pretty formulaic Lifetime movie. You know: 1 crazy woman + 1 normal woman + 1 clueless guy being controlled by his penis. Crazy woman’s craziness is discovered by normal woman, but not before crazy woman drugs and ties up clueless guy in a cabin in the woods. Normal woman shows up to confront crazy woman and there is a shoot-out/slugging with sledgehammer from the garage scene in which crazy woman dies and then comes back to life before being taken down once and for all by a police officer who finally believes normal woman’s story (“Look lady, go home and let us do our jobs”). Clueless guy can either live or die, he doesn’t matter in the least.

You know you're in for a treat

The Perfect Roommate had the perfect set up. It had this exact formula laid out and ready to roll. Ashley’s boyfriend’s brother is even a police officer. He was shot in the line of duty and is now confined to a wheelchair. He’s depressed and has low self esteem. “Perfect!” you think. “This guy is clearly going to figure out Carrie’s dark past. He’s going to arrive at the cabin in the woods, and out of sheer determination to save Ashley from harm, will rise from his wheelchair, shoot Carrie, and once again be a hero.” You know what happens instead? He makes a phone call to another police officer and asks him to do a background check. Then he relays some suspicious information about Carrie to Ashley and her boyfriend. THAT’S IT. You never see the guy for the rest of the movie!! Instead of giving the poor sap a medal of honor, the writers just leave him in a wheelchair in his apartment with the curtains drawn, probably watching shit like this on t.v.

So after a few weeks of boring ass dates where Carrie drinks a lot of wine and tricks Mega Dick into thinking they have loads in common, the repulsive lovebirds take off on a romantic hotel getaway. While they’re on this getaway, Ashley finds out that Carrie is actually a psycho and is behind the murder of Mega Dick’s ex-girlfriend. “Perfect!” you think again, sadly still mustering some shards of hope. “Now comes the part where Mega Dick gets tied up and the hotel gets set on fire and Ashley gets stabbed!”

You know what actually happens? Carrie intercepts a voicemail Ashley has left for Mega Dick asking him to come get her at a gas station where her car has broken down. Carrie leaves Mega Dick sleeping peacefully in the hotel (he’s not even drugged for Christ Sake. NOT EVEN DRUGGED) and drives to the gas station where they finally have a confrontation. Ashley reveals that she knows who Carrie really is! Carrie snaps! She picks up a broken bottle and chases Ashley around the parking lot! Only...she chases her for one lap. One lap. Then this cop pulls up and Ashley tells him that Carrie is trying to kill her. Carrie sashays her twiddlebug hips over and says all innocent-like “She’s lying!” And instead of the cop doubting for even a second that Ashley is telling the truth (and in a normal Lifetime movie, allowing Carrie the chance to smash him in the face with the bottle), he simply tells Carrie that she has to come with him. AND THAT’S THE END OF THE MOVIE!!!! That is the atrocious, anti-climactic, more disappointing than the ends of Twilight, LOST, and Seinfeld combined, end of the fucking movie.

Except for the very last scene where Mega Dick is having a boring dinner with his daughter and son-in-law-to be, which then cuts to Carrie sitting in jail with a magazine, eyeing the picture of another rich dude who she’s supposedly going to target next. What? How? You’re in prison for murder for the rest of your fucking life.

In short, do not waste your time on this movie. With 5,764 other William R. Moses Lifetime movies to choose from, you’re bound to find something better.

Tuesday Lunch

2011-10-04T12:01:00.001-04:00

Wendy's fancy new "Hot n' Juicy" burgers look even worse than the regular ones. WTF is this? I haven't tasted it yet as I was so appalled at the presentation that I had to post immediately.

Update: After eating said "Hot n' Juicy" burger, I can conclude that it was neither hot nor juicy. It may have been less than hot due to me blogging about it before eating, although the radio ad claims it is "hotter than ever." If that was the case, it should still have been hot by the time I ate it, and still relatively warm when 3/4 of the way down my digestive tract.

As for juiciness, I found the patty pretty rubbery, and, as a coworker put it, it looks like someone knit it out of yarn. I found ONE crinkle cut pickle inside, along with one skinny, stringy, onion. I don't have to describe the cheese - you can see for yourself how difficult it is to place a square piece of cheese atop a square burger. I didn't even notice the buttered up bun as I was too busy wondering why I didn't go to Five Guys.

I do like Wendy's, but every time they have something new and improved, it tastes terrible.

Scientists prove I'm an even better secretary than my delusions led me to believe previously.

2011-09-29T21:00:00.000-04:00

Finally, along comes a study showing that something once thought bad (albeit by upper managment) is actually good. The National University of Singapore says that spending time surfing the Internet at work will actually boost an employee’s productivity. Researchers claim that this sort of “cyberloafing” refreshes workers mentally after long periods of work. Granted, I’ve never partaken in these so-called “long periods of work” before surfing the Internet, but still. This is a study that we, and our bosses, should pay some attention to. Also of note - excessive Internet monitoring actually leads to more Internet use by employees. Looks like us employees are fine-tuning the act of spite. Well done everybody!

This was welcome news to me after reading a depressing study about that weapon of mass destruction known as sugar. Basically, sugar leads to obesity, which can lead to diabetes, cancer, heart disease, etc. Sugar is evil. Sugar will bite at your toes if they are hanging over the side of the bed. These days you pretty much have to grow your own food in order for it to not be poisonous - and then you have to cover yourself in head to toe sun protection before going outside to pick it. Even then, if you microwave any of that food in a plastic bowl you’re exposing yourself to cancer causing chemicals (according to a chain email I received from my mother-in-law). Tupperware will also nip at your toes if they are hanging over the side of the bed.

It’s tough finding out that something you thought was good is actually bad for you. It's even tougher trying to figure out which studies to pay attention to, and which to just shrug off as scare tactics. But I have hope. If researchers can prove that wasting time online is a good thing, who’s to say they won’t soon find that hard work, exercise, pap smears, and flossing are also hazardous to one’s health? I have faith that modern science will someday declare us fat, lazy, and totally healthy.

It is then that a giant meteor will slam into the Earth, killing us all.

Guess I used all that Listerine for nothin'

ProfessionGal

2011-09-25T20:53:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, this poster made me feel terrible about my "too busy" attitude toward working out:

I found it over on ProfessionGal where you can find all sorts of career advice and fun articles to get you through the week....and also some inspirational stuff to make you feel like a lazy turdface.

Tuesday

2011-09-20T08:53:00.001-04:00

"If it weren't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom." - Andy Bernard

The Homeless Guy Who Lives in My Cube

2011-09-20T08:46:00.001-04:00

I just keep forgetting to bring home the jacket I wore in the morning...

Happy Friday

2011-09-09T14:35:00.000-04:00

"It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination." - THHGTTG

Workaholism in America

2011-09-08T20:46:00.001-04:00

Interesting article and infographic from Minyanville about workaholism in America. I am always baffled by the fact that there are people out there who don't use all their vacation days!! We actually had a guy who once spent his entire Caribbean cruise calling the IT guy about problems he was having with his BlackBerry. It went so far that the IT guy Fed Ex'd a new one to a Coach store in the Virgin Islands so that he could pick it up when the boat docked.

Image by: Business Insurance Source

On the Road Again

2011-09-08T14:30:00.001-04:00

A few posts back I mentioned that you should always jump at the chance to take an office road trip. I also mentioned that you should only volunteer to go if it's a nice day outside and if it doesn't involve city driving.

On Tuesday I got suckered into both.

After finally settling into my chair after a rainy commute, I was asked to drive an hour & a half into the heart of downtown Hartford Connecticut. Down. Town. I had no choice. Our intern was out sick, and the rest of our employees had apparently turned into stone heads, so that left me as the only viable option.

It all depends on you.

"It's not so bad," I thought to myself back when I assumed I was driving to a nice lawyer's office and that maybe there would be some kind of trendy coffee shop downstairs where I could hang out before driving back. I stupidly didn't ask for details about where I was going before I left - I just had the name of a place that I assumed to be an office park.

It was no office park.

After calculating where the worst part of town was and recalculating me directly into it, my GPS informed me that I would be at my destination in .1 miles. Point 1 miles? I peered nervously out the window at a man talking to himself on the sidewalk. I paused to let a parade of trash bags filled with tin cans cross in front of me before turning into the apartment complex that my boss had sent me to. I drove slowly through the parking lot trying to figure out where to go. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to go to the management office, or if this is where the guy lived. Was I supposed to start knocking on doors?

Wifebeater clad men, sitting in their "yards" amidst piles of wet living room furniture, gas cans, and broken television sets, stared at me between cigarette drags and I immediately knew there was no way I was ever going to get out of my car. I did see one woman. She was getting out of Jeep wearing platforms and a boob shirt at 12:00 in the afternoon. The click of my doors locking did nothing to comfort me.

I called my boss to ask him why he had done this to me. Didn't he have work for me to do later? He needed me to come back alive, didn't he? After a quick call to our client (and probably his attorney), he told me that he had no idea he was sending me to a place like that. Then he gave me the property manager's cell phone number so that he could meet me right at my car. I called the property manager and tried to direct him to where I was parked:

"No, no, I said left at the hooker, left! If you see the homeless guy pissing on a brand new Rav4, you've found me."

And then, in what probably appeared like the nerdiest drug deal ever, I handed off the precious sets of engineering plans and hightailed it back to the safety of suburban Massachusetts.

Ask Secretary4Life

2011-09-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Secretary4Life,
My cubicle neighbor has been coughing for weeks now. It’s extremely annoying and getting to the point where I’m considering asking to move my desk. Is there a polite way to suggest that he go see a doctor?
- Can’t Take the Coughing in Missouri

Dear Can’t Take the Coughing,
Seriously, where the fuck is my stapler? I literally just put it down and now it’s gone.
Best,
S4L

******************

Dear Secretary4Life,
One of my male bosses has been making very inappropriate remarks to me about my personal appearance. I think I should report him to Human Resources, but I’m afraid. What should I do?
- Uncomfortable in Utica

Dear Uncomfortable,
Anyone know how to change the Poland Spring bottle?
Best,
S4L

It Could Be Worse. And Weirder.

2011-09-06T20:58:00.003-04:00

It's hard to one-up people when you're a secretary. Say you run into a girl from high school and she became a lawyer. Or maybe you run into a guy you used to know and he's now a doctor. Maybe they're even married to each other. Maybe they're the Huxtables!! God, how bad would that make you feel? Luckily for me, however, I went to high school with this freak show:

Former TSA employee faces child pornography charge

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A Beverly man and former TSA employee arrested on child pornography charges appeared in federal court on Friday.

Andrew W. Cheever, 33, appeared before on a complaint charging him with possession of child pornography. Last December, State Police executed a state search warrant of Cheever's former residence in Lowell. The initial search identified approximately 2,000 images of child pornography and several uniform items bearing the TSA logo.

Read more: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/local/former-tsa-employee-faces-child-pornography-charge-20110902#ixzz1XDu6STy5

So the pressure's totally off. Before this happened I was only one spot ahead of the guy who was arrested for smearing fecal matter all over our elementary school.

Secretaries rule!

BK Does it Again!

2011-09-01T21:36:00.002-04:00

What did I tell you? I could have an entire blog with nothing but pictures of sad looking Burger King signs:

Try a California Whopper is what it's attempting to say. I understand that half the letters are trying to commit suicide, but what's with the huge gap between "Try" and "A"? That part is just totally uncalled for. Maybe it used to say "Try to keep down a California Whopper."

Almost as sad as this sign is the amount of times I sat at this light before I was in the right spot to get a picture.

Valor - A Greystone Novel

2011-08-31T22:38:00.000-04:00

The below is my review of Valor by Taylor Longford, which can be purchased below from Amazon:

For me, the test of a really good book is this: when I'm not reading it, do I wish I was reading it? As far as Valor goes, the answer was a definite YES. I read this book in two days, and when I wasn't reading it the characters kept popping into my mind.

I will admit, when I saw that this book was about gargoyles, I wasn't sure what to expect. I pictured the winged lions that you see on the sides of buildings. How on earth were they going to be part of a young adult paranormal romance? Boy was I wrong. These gargoyles are a pack of extremely good looking, romantic, and tough, young men. Mix Jacob's wolf pack with Edward's vampire family, throw in a pinch of boy band, and you have an idea of the gargoyles. LOVED IT.

The storyline grabbed me right from the beginning and not once did it drag or feel forced. Longford writes with a great sense of humor and a talent that can easily match that of Amanda Hocking or any other self-published sensation. I highly recommend this book and look forward to seeing more in this series.

The Executive's Coloring Book

2011-08-30T20:56:00.000-04:00

Check out this hilarious coloring book from the 1960's from A Hole in the Head. Seems to me the only thing that's changed in 50 years is that telephones now have more than five buttons.

Tuesday

2011-08-30T15:40:00.000-04:00

"The beginning is always today."
- Mary Wollstonecraft

Happy Friday

2011-08-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

April Ludgate - The Best Worst Assistant on Television

2011-08-25T17:36:00.000-04:00

We all know Pam Beesley - the receptionist, turned paper salesman, turned office administrator on NBC’s The Office. Pam used to be cool, the way she sat miserably behind the reception desk wearing bland colored cardigans and dreaming of a more fulfilling career. But then she went and married Jim, had a baby, and stopped being so depressed and mopey about her life. And frankly, that’s when her character lost its appeal for me.

So I take you now to the best portrayal of an administrative assistant currently on television - April Ludgate from Parks & Recreation. If you are looking for a lazy, deadpan, apathetic, role model, April is your girl. To quote her boss, Ron Swanson:

“I need to find someone to fill in for April. Now I know I'm not going to find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package.”

Judging from the lack of April clips that I could find online, she is not getting as much attention from the administrative professional community that she deserves. This is a video from when she started out as an intern and should give you an idea of the awesomeness of her character:

And here’s another great conversation between April and her boss:

Ron: Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?

April: I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.

Ron: Get his number?

April: No.

Ron: Good girl.

So tune in! Season 3 of Parks & Recreation was absolutely hilarious and I can't wait for Season 4.

Geeky Girl Reviews

2011-08-24T20:26:00.001-04:00

Thank you Geeky Girl Reviews for the great review of What Stays in Vegas!

This book is a funny, quick and easy read. I read this book yesterday afternoon and I could not put it down. It took my about 2 hours to finish reading this book. I thought it was very well written with a awesome bunch of characters (some you will love and some you will hate). If you want a quick and funny chick lit then look no further.

Check out reviews of other books, movies, household products, gadgets, and more at Geeky Girl Reviews

Sounds like a plan!

2011-08-23T21:01:00.000-04:00

Thank you @justanumber5!

Call Center Heroes

2011-08-22T20:44:00.000-04:00

There are quite a few things I dislike about my office job: filing, cubicle neighbors who have megaphones strapped to their lips like a duck-billed platypus, and the feminine hygiene receptacle in the ladies room that is eternally left open. But nothing can quite compare to the joys of answering the telephone. Best case scenario, it’s a wrong number. Worst case scenario, it’s an 85 year old man who’s pissed off about the Walmart being constructed outside his bedroom window, has no clue who he needs to speak to, and wants to tell you his life story. Oh, and he clearly hates you.

It’s for these reasons that I can’t fathom the idea of working at a call center. These rugged souls brave the office each and every day, speaking to customer after customer, and they do it all with a “please” and a “thank you” and a “sir” and a “ma’am.” I must tell you, I admire these call center employees the same way I admire people who know how to do math. They were born with something that I wasn’t. Maybe it’s patience, or empathy, or just a general desire to speak to other humans. Whatever it is, it’s commendable work. Nobody would want to call customer service and speak with me. First of all, they wouldn’t be able to hear me over the sound of my eyes rolling. Second of all, they would have to be put

on hold while I got fired.

"Yes sir, A squared plus B squared equals C squared"

No, when you call customer service you want to get a pro. You want to get someone who works for a place like the Global Response Call Center. Large companies like Lord & Taylor, Blue Cross Blue Shield, and Toyota outsource their customer service to Global Response who spend a lot of time training their employees on the specific brands. As a result, the employees are highly knowledgeable, helpful, and (aahh!) pleasant to speak with! These are people who actually want to talk on the phone.

I don’t know how they do it day in and day out, but we should all be glad that they do. And if I ever meet one of these people, maybe they can help me with my Algebra.

We Just Decided To Go

2011-08-19T10:31:00.002-04:00

"From now on, we live in a world where man has walked on the moon. And it's not a miracle, we just decided to go." - Jim Lovell, Apollo 13

Copy/Paste

2011-08-18T21:34:00.000-04:00

Thank you to @cube_girl for alerting me to the existence of these cute Copy/Paste t-shirts for twins. I'm sure they've been around for years, but this is the first I've heard of them:

Riverstone Goods Twins Copy & Paste 2-Pack Short Sleeve Lap T-Shirts (Newborn, 7-14 Pounds)

Almost makes me want to have twins. Or, you know, cats that wear clothes.

No Cookies at the Library!

2011-08-16T20:39:00.000-04:00

Who can't sympathize with this poor librarian? Some people, *cough* coworkers, *cough, cough* clients, just can't get simple ideas through their heads. Love this skit (particularly when he trips over the wastebasket, but that's just because I'm four):

Oh Burger King

2011-08-16T12:50:00.000-04:00

To quote a coworker, "I can't believe Burger King still exists."

I think that if I started a second blog it would feature pictures of sad and decrepit Burger King signs. Nine times out of ten a BK sign will be missing letters, letters will be dangling off, letters will be inexplicably too far apart, and M's will be used as W's. Today I saw this one for Free WiFi. That's cute. Unfortunately the chances that the WiFi will ever be working properly are about as good as the chances that your Whopper won't give you diarrhea.


BK signs should always come with storm clouds

Don't Mess With Me 3:30

2011-08-15T21:25:00.002-04:00

For some strange reason, there is a huge difference between 3:30 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. when you're at the office. Take today for example (and yes, my example involves food).

Me at 3:30: "Oh man, it's only 3:30? I'm starving! I'm never going to make it until 5:00! 5:00 is so far away!"

Shuffles into the kitchen. Shoves 2 quarters into the vending machine. Clutches Snickers bar in paw.

Me at 3:48 after finishing Snickers bar: "Shit! It's almost 4:00! I just ruined my dinner!"

What the heck happens in that span of 30 minutes? 3:30 is like the middle of the afternoon with absolutely no hope of ever seeing the outside world again. Then 30 piddly minutes tick by and suddenly you're in the homestretch? "Oh it's 4:00? Pffft, I'll answer those emails tomorrow!"

And today the turning point was at 3:48 - only eighteen stinking minutes after I felt like all hope was lost. It's interesting, and I'm just going to chock it up to the fact that our entire existence is probably some kind of messed up psychological experiment.

Another of life's mysteries

Friday!

2011-08-12T09:37:00.002-04:00

"So the hours are pretty good then?" he resumed.
The Vogon stared down at him as sluggish thoughts moiled around in the murky depths.
"Yeah," he said, "but now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy."

- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The Brokers With Hands On Their Faces Blog

2011-08-11T21:38:00.000-04:00

Check it out. There are quite a few entertainingly depressing shots on this blog, here are a few favorites:

http://brokershandsontheirfacesblog.tumblr.com/

The Treadmill Desk

2011-08-11T21:13:00.000-04:00

It’s a treadmill! It’s a desk! It’s a treadmill desk! It’s over two thousand dollars! And much to my dismay, this ridiculous looking piece of office furniture actually receives rave reviews all across the Internet.

It’s like nobody has realized they should be making fun of it. To remedy the situation, I’ve made up (and then answered myself) some very informative Treadmill Desk Q&A’s:

Question: One of the best parts of an office job is that I get to sit on my ass all day. Why would I possibly want to change this?

Answer: It is important to get at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. By using The Treadmill Desk, which has absolutely no place to put a chair, you will now get 8 straight hours of exercise per day.

Question: Yes, but as a human being with physical limitations, I would probably collapse after, say, one hour.

Answer: In case of collapse, The Treadmill Desk comes equipped with a magnetic safety clip.

Question: Okay, but I’m a woman who likes to wear high heels to the office. Now what?

Answer: Just switch to unattractive brown sandals like the woman in the picture. She feels energetic already. Another popular option is wearing a dress skirt with white socks and gym sneakers. You’ve probably seen this look on women in the city racing for the train.

Question: I find it hard enough to read the closed captioning on an episode of 7th Heaven while I’m running on the treadmill at the gym. How do you expect me to get actual work done with all that up & down motion?

Answer: You are not supposed to run on The Treadmill Desk. That would be stupid. You are supposed to walk slowly, at 1 mph, for 8 hours straight. Duh.

Question: But won’t my co-workers laugh at me?

Answer: Yes. They will also be $2,000 richer than you.

Question: Can I stop for lunch?

Answer: Only if you walk by a Subway.

Question: I noticed that a mouse, keyboard, and monitor are not included. Are there any other items that are not included?

Answer: A giant fist punching you in the stomach for being such a tool is not included. However, one will be provided by the guy in the next cubicle.

I could go on and on. But I suppose if you’re that interested in getting exercise, who am I and my unused gym membership to judge? In fact, I encourage all employees to spend their hard earned cash on one of these as soon as possible.

It’s a win-win: You get your exercise, and I’ll laugh my ass off.

___________________________________________________________
Read this and similar office humor articles at The Collared Sheep

I Deserve Some Sort of Coupon

2011-08-11T12:02:00.001-04:00

Just parked in front of Starbucks and blew my nose into a Dunkin Donuts napkin.

And Now, I Present You With...Wednesday

2011-08-10T09:21:00.005-04:00

"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer." ~ Doug Adams

Sweatpants Saturday?

2011-08-09T21:11:00.000-04:00

Well folks, it's official. Instead of only having boring old Donut Wednesday and Bagel Friday, we are now instituting No Bra Thursday and Wet T-Shirt Wednesday. At least that's what I would be saying if I was Trudy Anderson from Utah County who is suing her ex-employer for suggesting that slightly inappropriate schedule of work attire. Here are a few more reasons she's suing:

Repeatedly asked Ms. Anderson about her breast size and talked about her breasts in front of other employees.
Slapped Anderson on her buttocks and asked the woman for oral sex several times.
Offered the woman a recipe for "sex cake."
Told Anderson he was installing a shower so they could shower together.
Said he would "give her a mammogram for free" when she asked for time off to see the doctor.

This is all very reminiscent of Ashley Alford who was recently awarded 95 million dollars in damages after her boss put his penis on her head. You heard me. I'm guessing these guys are no strangers to mace.

A word of advice to Ms. Anderson's employer, and to anyone else who thinks Tube Top Tuesday sounds like a good idea. Have you ever been to a nude beach? When I was on my honeymoon in Jamaica our hotel room just happened to overlook one, and I can tell you this - the majority of people who are ready and willing to take it all off, are usually gross. So instill Bikini Top Friday if you'd like. Not only will you get your ass sued off, but Sandy McMillan will be the only one who complies:

Why Are All My Posts About Food Lately?

2011-08-08T16:06:00.003-04:00

One of the most annoying tasks I have to do at my job is to mail out notifications to people who live close to the fast food restaurants that we're remodeling, just in case somebody objects.

Us: Hi, we'd like to add more trees and outdoor seating to your local shitty fast food restaurant.

Neighbor: If you remove the Mayor McCheese jungle gym, I'll fucking kill you.

Clearly, only crazy people like that would have a problem with it. It's a total waste of time. So what possible way could there be to make this task even more revolting? Aahhhhh yes, maybe if I sent each one in a bacon flavored envelope:

So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting envelopes licked, we’re happy to report that J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.

Hey maybe it's good, I dunno. I was also reluctant to try pineapple on my pizza, and now I'm a full fledged Hawaiian pizza eating machine. But at least pineapple's, you know, made out of food. So I think I'll just stick with glue flavored envelopes.

Or, better yet, tape.


No thanks, I'll just chew on these envelopes.

Bread Paperclips & Some 80's Nostalgia

2011-08-05T20:17:00.002-04:00

When I was a kid I loved my dollhouse. But what I loved even more than the house and the dolls, were all the accessories: the little books, the little boxes of cereal, and the little loaves of bread to put on the table. When I saw these bread paperclips from Small Idea on Etsy, that's exactly what they reminded me of:

I would love to have these if it weren't for the fact that they're way too nice to use at my office. But at least they reminded me of the fun I used to have playing with these guys:

What? Your dolls looked like humans? Pffft! I had Sylvanian Families raccoons, rabbits, and bears, and I'll have you know that they all got along splendidly in their one bedroom Colonial.

Happy Friday Everybody. Parkour!

2011-08-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

Bento? Get Bent.

2011-08-03T13:40:00.001-04:00

I've never heard of Bento before until I stumbled on this article from Parenting.com. In Japan, Bento is a single portion meal arranged in a box shaped container, that can also be elaborately designed to look like animals, flowers, cartoon characters, etc. It's a cool idea and beautiful to look at, but come on...who has this kind of time?

Take me, for example, who at ten o'clock at night exclaims "Shit! I forgot to make lunch for tomorrow!" Cut to the next morning when I'm throwing an entire package of turkey and a jar of mustard into a plastic bag to be assembled later at the office. Even harder to imagine is making one of these for each of your kids to take to school. Even if I was a stay at home mom, I think that by the end of the day, when the kids are finally in bed, I will have better things to do than stand in the kitchen shaping a slice of cheese into a lion's head and baby birds out of...of....whatever the heck that is. Mozzarella?

In conclusion, I will never make these because:

a) I like to enjoy a wee bit of time to myself in the evening, and

b) As a kid I remember my lunch ending up at the bottom of my backpack underneath 15 lbs of textbooks.

Have you ever looked at a paperclip?

2011-08-02T20:07:00.001-04:00

Thank you @officethingy for bringing this video to my attention. Perhaps Bert missed his true calling as a secretary:

Junk Food Betty

2011-08-02T19:33:00.000-04:00

Maybe it was the Go-Pak of Chips Ahoy cookies running through my veins, but on my drive home today I thought of an awesome blog I've spent many an afternoon silently laughing over in my cubicle: Junk Food Betty.

If you see a product on your grocery store shelf or fast food menu and think, “That is both unhealthy and completely unnecessary,” then it’s a good bet that I’m eating it and writing about it. This website is here to provide you, the scrupulous consumer, with information about the ridiculous junk foods that come and go. I’m eating it so you don’t have to.

Junk Food Betty covers everything from Jones Bacon Flavored Soda to the KFC Double Down with descriptions such as "I have never been anywhere near a rotting, decomposed, maggot-filled pig carcass, but I can imagine exactly what it smells like. And that is exactly like what Jones Bacon Flavored Soda tastes like." Poetic.

So check it out. At the very least it will ignite a hankering for some Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips. And who couldn't use a few of those?

Yum?

Go-Pak!

2011-08-02T15:29:00.001-04:00

I love the Go-Pak. Particularly a mini Chips Ahoy Go-Pak. And I learned an interesting thing about them today. If you buy one while at Target, you will be shoveling them into your mouth by 2:30 p.m. Guaranteed.

Luckily my Go-Pak also came with these handy instructions so I would know that I need to "reach in to snack" rather than tip my neck back like a Pez dispenser and pour them directly into my mouth which I did previously with a Go-Pak of Nutter Butters. Technical writers, I commend you.

Go-Pak!

Who Wants a Tab?

2011-07-28T13:57:00.001-04:00

It's a good thing I love the idea of time travel, because it is now 1974 inside my office. Yes indeed, this is our "new" vending machine. Straight out of an ad in a vintage copy of Popular Science. Its even got wood paneling. On the plus side, if you shake it, it probably dispenses free cans. On the minus side, why is that baby wearing lipstick and drinking a soda?

Email Intervention

2011-07-27T21:10:00.000-04:00

My very first AOL email address was Argo220, named for the little robot that went down and discovered the Titanic (the 220 was for the time that the Titanic sank). Yes indeed, it was 1997 and after sitting through that hella long movie three, count 'em THREE, times (in the THEATER), I was totally obsessed with deep sea archaeological exploration and Leonardo DiCaprio's ass. It was simpler times back then, you see.

Shoot ahead a few more years and you'll find that my email address had changed to CrshDMB. This of course reflected my love of the Dave Matthews Band, because a) I had by this time realized that Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't actually aboard a doomed 1912 oceanliner and was instead dancing on tables grabbing his crotch on the cover of the National Enquirer, and so I needed new interests, and b) the only thing that expressed ones fandom more than wearing size XL concert t-shirts with blue nylon shorts to band camp, was making an AOL email address that contained your favorite band's name.

Fast forward to 2011, and as much as I would like my email address to be HobbitHoarder78, I have stuck with a much simpler first name_last name @ gmail format. This great post on Google's blog offers help for those friends of ours who have been unable to let go of their goofy and outdated AOL (among other) email addresses, and who have failed to discover the beauty of using Gmail.

We all have a story like this. On the Gmail team, we affectionately refer to them as “email interventions.” We hear about them all the time: the cousin who finally switched from an embarassing address like hottie6elliot1977 to a more professional elliot.d.smith@gmail.com, a co-worker who helped his dentist switch after he heard her grumble about having to pay for IMAP access, etc.

Staging an intervention is simple:
Visit emailintervention.com
Sign in and automatically identify who from your contacts has yet to make the switch, or just enter a friend’s email address manually
Choose from one of three intervention message templates (“straightforward”, “concerned” or “ embarrassed”), and add your own intervention video if you’d like
Send a customized email and follow up as needed

So go ahead, do your mom (BeckysMom1958), your dad (Hammockguy37), and this fellow:

a favor, and stage an email intervention ASAP.

Thank you Google 'What Do You Love'

2011-07-27T15:44:00.001-04:00

Wheeee!

2011-07-27T13:41:00.001-04:00

I don't know, it just looks like this guy's having a pretty fun time to me.

Shoplet Blog!

2011-07-21T21:24:00.000-04:00

Read my guest post - 10 Things I Would Tell a Brand New Secretary - on the Shoplet Blog:

I asked Beth from Secretary4Life to share what survival tips she would give to someone who was just starting out as a secretary. (I knew she would include just the right amount of humor to make them fun to read) I don’t think secretaries get enough respect for all the important things they do and they do a lot of random things which makes their jobs even more stressful. Here are some great tips from Beth for anyone starting a new job as a secretary: (and to be honest, there are a lot of things in here that apply to normal jobs too). Click here to continue!

Thank you Shoplet!

I Paper Clips

& Staples

Employee Found Alive Inside Cubicle

2011-07-21T14:00:00.002-04:00

Whistles of relief could be heard throughout the offices of Crenshaw & Bick when Walter Gatch, 57, presumed dead at his desk since Monday morning, was found alive by janitorial staff.

“When he didn’t blow the smell of burnt Pop Tarts all over the office this morning, I went by his cubicle to check on him,” said Andrew Miron, 26. “And there he was, just kind of slumped over on his keyboard. Naturally, I suspected the worst.”

When asked why he didn’t report the possible death to management, Miron stated that had it been true, it really would have been a shit ton of paperwork. Never mind the fact that his timesheet was still due.

“Actually, I was pretty sure he was okay,” he added. “Yeah.”

Throughout the day, several other employees expressed half-assed concern for their co-worker when his out-of-office auto reply from Friday failed to be turned off, and when Gatch suddenly fell out of his chair and onto the floor where he remained until approximately 6:00 p.m.

“We all thought he was a goner for sure,” said Gatch’s administrative assistant of seven years, Megan McNulty. “I mean, all the signs were there: slumped over, no contact with anybody for an entire day, an odd smell emanating from his cubicle. It was a pretty text book case of somebody dying at their desk and everybody in the office knowing about it but doing absolutely nothing.”

It was not until Monday evening that janitor Harvey Ferber, after emptying the once thought dead man’s recycle bin, witnessed Gatch casually get up off the floor, click Print in his Microsoft Word document, and walk over to his printer as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

“He’s alive! He’s alive! I shouted,” said Ferber, demonstrating the excitement and relief he felt upon realizing that Gatch was still of this world. “As you may or may not know, these things don’t usually turn out so well for janitorial staff.”

As of press time, Gatch was headed home to his wife who thinks he died three years ago.

FU Wednesday Afternoon

2011-07-20T12:11:00.001-04:00

Secretary4Life and The Deathly Hallows

2011-07-19T21:15:00.000-04:00

I am re-posting this in honor of Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part II being recently released!
________________________________________________________

After going to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, I began thinking that it might be cool if the old Grim Reaper stopped by the office and tossed a few hallows my way. Just because I’m not crossing raging rivers at midnight doesn’t mean I haven’t cheated death.

The Resurrection Stone:

There are a few ex-employees whom I miss and would love to bring back from the dead in order to liven this place up. “But magical spells that bring people back from the dead never work out right!” you say. Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before.

I’ll bring them back and as soon as they realize they could be doing something cooler than talking to me about last night’s episode of Cake Boss, they’ll be out the door and I’ll be more depressed than ever.

But there’s got to be somebody whose life became worse since they left the company, right?

I will find that one unemployed, destitute, miserable soul, shake my magic rock, and suck them through the fabric of the universe. They’ll arrive dazed and confused in their old cubicle where I will be waiting with Kit-Kat bars and three years worth of office gossip about people they never even met. I'll be a hero!

The Cloak of Invisibility

Who wouldn’t want one of these? An invisiblity cloak would be be priceless, if for nothing more than to eat my ham & cheese in peace.

I don’t need it to hide from death, I need it to hide from life. I need it to take a nap under my desk and to make it look like that coffee pot is pouring itself. The possibilities are endless.

If you ask me, the invisibility cloak is wasted on Harry Potter – what does he use it for? Sneaking out for butter beers? Harry doesn’t have a job to worry about. Hand it over man, I’ve got people coming at me with dictation tapes and onion breath.

The Elder Wand

I guess there’s not much use for the most powerful wand in existence at a medium sized civil engineering company. We don’t do much dueling around here. And as we all learned after poor old Antioch Peverell was murdered in his sleep for possession of the mighty scepter, it is best not to mess with an object of such power.

Sure I could Avada Kedavra the hell out of anybody who annoyed me, and maybe throw a quick Crucio over my cube wall if that guy doesn’t shut up about his dogs already.

But when you’re the only one who knows how to change the paper in the fax machine, you already hold all of the power.

I don’t need the Elder Wand to prove my worth. Well, maybe I’ll just hold it for a second…

Crucio!

The Secretarial Hallows

Four Ways to Survive the Summer While Stuck in a Cubicle

2011-07-07T14:00:00.003-04:00

Everybody seems to be coming up with a list of ways to "survive the summer" while being stuck in a cubicle. And since I am a) stuck in a cubicle, and b) totally okay with stealing other people's ideas, I present you with my own list:

Four Ways to Survive the Summer While Stuck in a Cubicle

1. If you have younger friends and relatives who are still in school, do yourself a favor and hide them from your Facebook news feed. If you are like me, you spend a good part of your day reading people's useless status updates while you are pretending to work. The last thing that you need to see while trapped at your desk are pictures of tanned college kids frolicking at the beach in the middle of the God damned afternoon. Yeah, we know, you shop at Hollister. You’ll just end up filled with rage, shouting "get a job!!!" at your iPhone while your boss walks by wondering what that blank Excel sheet did to upset you so much. It's best to just pretend that college kids don't exist. Rather than basking in rays of sunshine, you can instead bask in the thought that someday soon they will graduate and be as miserable as you are.

2. Get some good island-y music going. If my son didn't demand to listen to Could This Be Love on a loop during every car ride we take, I would probably be listening to Bob Marley right now. But there are plenty of other reggae artists out there and infinite Pandora stations to choose from. Or, if you don't like reggae, you can always make a playlist consisting of Kokomo and that Paris Hilton song from a few years ago. Remember, the one that made you want to kill yourself? Well now it's going to make you feel terrific. This kind of music will lighten your mood and make sorting that 3-foot stack of filing seem like you're building a sand castle. Or, if you're not delusional, it will make sorting that 3-foot stack of filing just a little less sucky.

3. Go out and get an ice coffee. I don't care if they give you diarrhea. GO OUT AND GET AN ICE COFFEE. They're delicious, they caffeine you up real nice, and unless you work at Google and there are ice coffee waterfalls literally cascading down the God damned corridors, it'll get you out of the office for a few minutes. Leave your purse at your desk and some kind of boring report up on your screen so nobody will notice that you're out. If you want to get fancy, I recommend a Coconut Mocha Frappuchino from Starbucks, or a Mocha Ice Coffee from Dunkin Donuts. And don't worry about the money. Remember, it's summer and getting an ice coffee is pretty much all that we have to live for. So spend it.

4. Take advantage of office road trips. Okay, yes, I turned down a drive into Boston last week. But me driving your precious delivery into Boston is the equivalent of me driving it straight into the Atlantic Ocean. Those roads are like the moving staircases at Hogwarts. But if something needs to be delivered anywhere else in the tri-state area, I’m all over it. One of the best work days I ever had was spent delivering plans to New Hampshire on a Friday afternoon in April. It was 75 degrees outside, I had my ice coffee (see above), I opened the sun roof, and I took a nice jaunt up I-495. Take your time. Fabricate traffic jams. However, stick to simple drop-off/pick-up road trips only. If the trip involves any kind of jerk caveat like "By the way, you have to first stop in Lawrence and get signatures from these three homeless guys," then simply pass the road trip along to an intern.

Free Book From Smashwords!

2011-07-04T21:03:00.000-04:00

This month only you can get an Epub copy of my book, What Stays in Vegas, FREE from Smashwords! Just enter code SSWSF at checkout.

Always Something Kinda Gross at DD

2011-06-28T14:29:00.000-04:00

This time it's sausage links inside a sandwich. Were sausage patties which are round and flat and MADE TO FIT INSIDE A SANDWICH making too much sense? This thing is like an egg and cheese pontoon boat. No thanks.

Tear in Space-Time Continuum Linked to Incomplete Timesheets

2011-06-23T18:54:00.000-04:00

Despite several friendly reminders issued throughout the day on Friday, not a single employee of Burke & Wagner, P.C. has bothered to complete their timesheet before leaving for the day, resulting in a potentially serious tear in the space-time continuum.

"Yep, that looks like your classic Schwarzchild wormhole," said head of Payroll, Michelle St. Pierre, shaking her head and crawling backwards out of the black, swirling, vortex located in the third floor IT supply closet. "Last time we had one of these was the day before Thanksgiving."

As twenty-seven somewhat bewildered employees from an alternate version of Burke & Wagner emerged from the wormhole, twenty-seven employees from the original version of Burke & Wagner emerged happily into the parking lot to begin their Fourth of July weekend.

Don't let this happen to your office

"They never take me seriously," said St. Pierre, ducking into her office to avoid running into the slightly thinner, twelve-toed, version of herself rounding the corner. "They're always too busy for timesheets. Well tell me this, how do they think they're going to get paid? And what do they think is holding together the fabric of the universe?"

It is a little known fact among the scientific community that failure to complete ones timesheet, particularly after receiving an email reminder with a clip art sun waving an American flag at the bottom, will cause the opening of a once thought impossible "traversable wormhole” that can be used to cross between universes. It will also cause HR to be super bitchy.

“If this happens again, I’m not sure our universe will survive it. Timesheets need to be completed by 5:00 p.m. on Fridays for a reason, no exceptions!” shouted St. Pierre as her office, both legs, and left arm flickered in and out of existence. “Well, except for Dave who showed up from Universe 176Q a few months back. He can’t enter a timesheet with just a dorsal fin, but he turned out to be one hell of an engineer.”

Classy

2011-06-22T13:48:00.001-04:00

The Town of Saugus's homepage is, for reasons weird and unknown, full of erectile dysfunction ads.

Cookies

2011-06-14T20:59:00.001-04:00

When cookies with this many ingredients have an expiration date of today on them, you know your vending machine company sucks.

One of About a Thousand Great Quotes

2011-06-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons." ~ Douglas Adams

Shoplet Blog!

2011-06-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

Secretary4Life has been featured in the Shoplet Blog Office-Writer Favorites! Check it out.

Somehow I Manage

2011-06-09T19:58:00.000-04:00

If you’re a fan of The Office, you surely know about the management manual Michael Scott cleverly called “Somehow I Manage.” You can actually read a few extremely short chapters of “Somehow I Manage” (and by chapters I mean paragraphs) on NBC’s website.

I was reminded of this is because I was in my boss’s office today and saw a book on his desk called “Don’t Take the Last Donut: New Rules of Business Etiquette.”

Once I got past the sheer ludicrousness of not taking the last donut (Do we just stand around the last donut saying things to each other like “After you, sir,” and “No, I couldn’t possibly take that donut my good fellow,” and “Please, YOU have it, I insist,” until one of us gets a phone call and the group disperses and the last donut goes to waste? Fools!) I started wondering how many other business books have similarly stupid titles. I remembered seeing one at work called “Eat That Frog!” with the exclamation point and everything. A quick Google search tells me that the title is from a Mark Twain quote:

“If you eat a frog first thing in the morning that will probably be the worst thing you do all day.”

That’s actually a pretty good quote, and I like Mark Twain, so let me stop making fun of it and get on with making fun of other books that I haven’t put any effort into researching:

Poke the Box
Unfolding the Napkin
Who Says Elephants Can’t Dance
Juggling Elephants
Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite
The No Asshole Rule
Fish!
Whale Done!

Now let me come up with a few of my own:

Smelling Your Cubicle
Help! I Spilled Gatorade on my Pants!
Some Enjoy Marmalade
Rollerblading Douchebags
Bringing Back the Bowl Cut
Work First, Self Last

If you think up any of your own, please post them below. Whale done everybody!

What Stays in Vegas

2011-06-02T21:04:00.001-04:00

My first full length novel, What Stays in Vegas, is now available for 99 cents for Kindle, Nook, and Sony Reader:

Nook
Kindle
Sony Reader

Description

Bored administrative assistant, Tessa Golden, is trapped in a life of lousy weather, irritating bosses, and mind-numbing secretarial work. Her dreams of being an artist have rapidly deteriorated into building things out of paperclips while on hold with tech support.

To make matters even worse, the love of her life has gone off and married another woman.

So when Tessa is suddenly transferred to the Las Vegas branch of her company – playing wingwoman to her freshly divorced boss, juggling a client from hell, and catching the eye of one very eligible coworker – will her life finally be shaken up enough to straighten itself out?

An Excerpt
I stood looking up at the giant wall of reflective glass, tilting my head back as far as it could go to see to the very top of 1414 Howard Hughes Parkway. Palm trees lined the walkway leading into the home of Flamhauser-Geist’s Las Vegas branch, which occupied three levels of this gorgeous architectural monstrosity. Nothing was visible through the windows. No desks, no photocopiers, no conference rooms full of stressed out engineers. All that could be seen from the outside of the building was the reflection of palm trees swaying peacefully in the breeze, as if the inside did not exist. I caught my own reflection in the first floor windows, staring up in awe like an uncouth hillbilly, but for the moment I didn’t care. They don’t often make buildings like this back home, and when they do they certainly don’t reflect palm trees and sunshine. Working behind that glass, it seemed, could be nothing less than magnificent. I was lucky to be able to walk down this pathway each day, to pass by sand and cactus, and never catch a reflection of myself looking bedraggled and miserable from the rain or snow.

I smoothed out the new outfit that I’d bought during my shopping trip on Sunday – sky blue blouse, black skirt, zebra print heels. One paycheck down, six to go. Hey, first impressions are important, right? And to my delight, my sunburn had developed into quite a nice little tan. I was looking good and feeling ready to take on the role of Administrative Assistant to not only the manager of this branch, but also the daughter of Mr. Sean Flamhauser. This was a man who had grown up in the slums of Boston, graduated in the top of his class at Northeastern University, and became co-founder of one of the most respected civil engineering firms in the country. I felt every bit the hot shot as I walked through the front doors and immediately tripped over the carpet.

Judgment Day a Clerical Error, Not Word of God, Reveals Secretary

2011-05-26T19:46:00.000-04:00

Alright, I hate to admit this. But Harold’s been taking a lot of heat and I feel kind of responsible, so let me just get this off my chest.

May 21, 2011 was a typo.

It was a Monday morning and Harold brought me over this crumpled up sheet of notebook paper that literally looked like he had pulled it out of a McDonald’s to-go bag. He’s 89 years old, you know, and sometimes he gets confused. One time he gave me a plastic cup from Six Flags and told me it was the Holy Grail.

“What the f#ck is this, Harold?” I asked him. Traffic had been an absolute bitch, and I really just wasn’t in the mood. I mean, the page was totally filled with chicken scratch - even into the margins. Usually I’m pretty good at deciphering his writing, like when he asks me to type up a blurb on annihilation. I can always pretty much tell the difference between “complete obliteration of all mankind” and “writhing helplessly in eternal torment,” even if his “n’s” sometimes look like “u’s.” It just takes a little bit of practice.

But this thing was ridiculous. It was all kinds of crazy calculations that he must have spent the entire weekend working on even though it was 75 degrees outside. He was somehow multiplying words like Trombonement (or maybe Atonement?) with other words like Heaven and then squaring whatever bat shit crazy number he had come up with. At least I think he squared it. Maybe he just drew a little seagull next to it. It’s hard to know for sure since my boss is a stark raving lunatic. In any case, when I got to the end of the page it said:

Judgment Day =

But where it had a date, he had crossed it out and rewritten a new one over it. But then he crossed that one out too, and he circled it and drew an arrow pointing to the back of the page, and then on the back of the page he crossed that date out and drew another arrow to the front of the page, and then I had to turn the whole thing sideways and follow another arrow down to the footer and there, in between a note about the Great Tribulation and something about his car being ready for pick up at Toyota, please see Rick in the service department, it said “May 21, 2011.”

Except he had spilled some kind of dark beverage all over it, so maybe it really said March 21, 2017 or May 21, 1986, or maybe it said “Judgment Day = 6 rolls of toilet paper from Target.” I really couldn't tell. I was so frustrated by that point that I was pretty much just praying for the world to end as soon as possible. Unfortunately it didn’t, and the next thing I knew Harold had grabbed the paper from my printer and was announcing to the world whatever date I had half-assedly typed.

Now normally I would apologize to those of you who gave away all your earthly possessions on account of my mistake. But unfortunately, they do not pay me enough to care.

Wait...when?

Gross

2011-05-25T12:50:00.000-04:00

When an old school is converted into a Town Hall, couldn't they at least re-carpet?

Lunch of Champions

2011-05-25T11:37:00.001-04:00

Yeah, Um, About Saturday...

2011-05-19T18:48:00.000-04:00

So Saturday is Doomsday, huh? Judgement Day, The Rapture, that stuff that started happening after Frodo threw the ring into Mount Doom. Whatever you want to call it, the world is supposedly coming to an end.

So let me ask you this: why the hell couldn’t it wait until Monday?

Come on, man! This week has been ridiculously irritating for me. Between Snorks Phelgmstein and the Great Sudafed Famine of 2011 a few rows over, this awful weather, and the influx of people saying “knock-knock” before entering my cubicle, I’m at the end of my rope. All week I’ve been counting down until the weekend when I can relax and take my kid to the zoo, or watch Lifetime movies. But how am I supposed to concentrate on a movie when all of my pious neighbors are rapturously floating past my window? That’s going to be distracting. Nevermind when the lava starts pouring through my skylights. I mean, I have the ability to pause live t.v., but Charter barely even works on a good day.

I get two stinking days off. TWO. And now, depending on what time we are all scheduled to perish on Saturday, I’m going to get like half a day at most.

Now just imagine The Rapture happening on Monday instead. You drag yourself out of bed, get stuck in traffic, and then, just as you spill some coffee because you drove over that same roadkill that’s been in the middle of Route 20 since last Wednesday, it happens. Trumpets start going off, angels are shooting out of trees, and look! Over there! F-ing A! There goes your office building, swallowed up by a belching, sulfurous, lake of fire. Now that would be Heaven.

But apparently if you were a Hebrew school drop-out, there aren't any favors coming to you during the end of days.

So, instead, I created this lovely Someecard for you to send to your friends, coworkers, and those people handing out pamphlets at the train station. I shall have the last laugh after all. Well, until Saturday.

Click to send this card

Dreams

2011-05-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

Before falling asleep last night I asked a higher power to grant me some sort of dream that might give me an idea for my next book. As you may or may not know, Stephenie Meyer's idea for Twilight was based on a dream that she had.

So I went to sleep fully expecting to awaken to the idea of a lifetime - action figures of my characters already in production in Taiwan, and me already rehearsing my one line as "Gas Station Attendant" when they cleverly sneak me into one of the scenes in the movie.

Well, you know what I dreamed about? Ordering a fucking turkey sandwich at Subway.

Nugnuts

2011-05-16T16:07:00.001-04:00

Dear Whoever Left a Box of Chicken McNuggets in the Office Refrigerator All Weekend:

Chicken McNuggets have a shelf life of about 15 minutes.

Sincerely,
Common Knowledge

Spring is in the Recirculated Air

2011-05-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

The nice warm weather is here at last,
Snowy commutes, a thing of the past.
Sleeves rolled up and sunroof down,
Sunglasses on, we peel outta town.

We stop for iced coffee, a morning perk,
Not even thinking that we’re headed for work.
Britney’s blasting and we’re singing along,
But eventually we notice there’s something quite wrong.

That thing, up ahead, what is that?
Shit.

The office has finally come into view,
Only one more traffic light between it and you.
You think and you ponder for any way out,
You panic and sweat and you finally shout:

Son of a bitch!!!
Do I really have to go in there?

We park our car in the lot and then sit there in it,
Listening to the radio for just one more minute.
At 8:37 we open the door,
“Goodbye Mr. Sun, I shall see you no more.”

:(

We trudge up the stairs to a day full of shit,
80 degrees in the lobby, but 50 where you sit.
Your skin that was warmed by that glorious weather,
Now stuffed inside a gross cardigan sweater.

F*ck you HVAC.

So we purchase at Target some coconut lotion,
To remind us of beaches and days by the ocean.
And to make the torture more complete,
Bob Marley on our iPods…on repeat.

We think these things will help curtail,
The agony of our windowless jail.
These little reminders of beautiful places,
Thousands of miles from these hideous faces.

No offense.

So what to do but mope and pout?
Retirement age is too far out.
Lottery tickets are religiously bought,
Too bad Prince William’s tied the knot.

Harry is still available!
So what if he dressed up like a Nazi for Halloween?
We could QUIT OUR JOB.

I guess we’ll have to make it through,
With coffee runs and lunch til two.
Come in late and sneak out early,
Try to stop me, Boss. You ain’t that burly.

Sigh.

Whoever thought you’d feel most alive,
During your Monday morning drive?

It Figures

2011-05-06T09:16:00.000-04:00

Morning Commute Extended Due to Traffic, Yeti

2011-05-02T21:20:00.000-04:00

Poor driving conditions, and the absolute nerve of an 8-foot tall anthropoid man-beast darting into oncoming traffic, led to an accident and at least two miles of backup during this morning’s commute.

Traffic came to a standstill while the Massachusetts State Police cleared the area of shattered glass and three Hefty bags full of the inconsiderate cryptid’s woolly remains. Flooding on Route 9, which had already been causing commuters enough strife without a North American Apeman deciding to leap full speed over the guardrail during rush hour, is said to be blamed for a Toyota Camry skidding across three lanes of traffic.

Next time try the crosswalk

The hitting of the yeti, after decades of speculation as to the great beast’s existence, has caused rejoicing and repeated punching of the steering wheel among anthropologists, amateur Bigfoot enthusiasts, and road-raging corporate Americans alike. There is no question that today will forever be hailed as both a day that history was made, and a day that some jerk tried to sneak up the breakdown lane because his exit is right there and there’s no way he’s waiting in this shit when he’s got a presentation to make at 9:00 a.m.

The scientific community stated that they are standing by to modify the Classification of Living Things just as soon as that idiot cop wakes up and waves them through.

Monday

2011-05-02T09:44:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday. It smells like the sewer overflowed into my cubicle.

Best Typo Ever

2011-04-19T13:41:00.001-04:00

My Neverending Summer Job

2011-04-19T11:40:00.001-04:00

According to an article in this month's Family Circle, one of the top summer jobs for teens is "Receptionist/Administrative Assistant." Thanks FC.

Git-er-dun is Gittin Old

2011-04-14T22:13:00.000-04:00

What’s worse than Milhouse from The Simpsons screaming “Wassup!!” after it’s no longer cool? Having to listen to your coworkers spew out similar lame catchphrases like they’re going out of style. Which they did, um, five years ago.

Lately at my office there has been an excessive use of the phrase “git-er-dun,” when implying that an item of work needs to be accomplished quickly. To make the exchange even more torturous, the second person in the conversation usually repeats “git-er-dun” back to the first person as a sort of confirmation that “yes, indeed, this must be gotten-dun.”

Coworker 1: “ So tomorrow I’m going to call Roger and have him Fed Ex me those plans. I don’t care if his wife is having octuplets. Git-er-dun!!”

Coworker 2: “Git-er-dun!!”

Tell me, what possible gain could there be by a catchphrase, that you’ve heard hundreds of times on television, being repeated by the loser in the next cubicle? He’s certainly not going to make it sound any better than the original. His timing will be off, his tone of voice will be all wrong, and he’ll probably use it in reference to something totally lame. Take “Wassup!” for example. It originally aired in a beer commercial in 1999. Pretty cool. Now take a 65 year old attorney saying it as he walks into the office on a Monday morning in 2004. Not so cool. And yes, that actually happened.

I kill me!

I can’t say that I’m surprised at the use of catchphrases by the same people who are in love with corporate jargon. It makes sense that somebody who enjoys the phrase “grab the low-hanging fruit” would also ask“whatchu talkin bout Willis?” when unsure of what the IT guy just told him about his printer.

I’m just saying that before you blurt out that witty catchphrase you’ve been dying to use, ask yourself these three simple questions:

1) Can it be found stamped on a t-shirt at Ames?

2) Has your dad already used it?

3) Was it originally coined by ALF?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably wise to just let it go. For the love of God, let it go.

This Paperclip Isn't Going to Bend Itself

2011-04-07T14:30:00.002-04:00

Alright everybody, just stop with the fancy corporate buzzwords. I understand that you have important “work” for me to do, and that we are under “deadlines,” and that we must practice “customer service.” Well, I’ve got something to tell you. This paperclip isn’t going to bend itself. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve done some of your so-called “job duties,” and when I returned to my desk I found this paperclip in the exact same form in which I left it. Two elongated loops bored out of its fucking mind. It needs me to pry one end up and yank it over to the right, and then push the center loop all the way back like this. It needs me to test its limits. And it needs me to do it while reading The Onion.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

If this paperclip had the ability to bend itself, then I would be more than happy to get started on that 200 page Environmental Impact Report that you need “immediately.” You know I would. It’s like I told my pen, who’s not going to click and unclick itself, “No matter what happens in life, I will always be there for you.” That doesn’t mean that I don’t take my job seriously, it just means that I have important obligations to my friends, family, and bulk office supplies. They rely on me just as much as you rely on me to “make sure” the president of this company gets a hotel reservation when he’s in town next week. Which, as of right now, may or may not happen. I mean, I went on the hotel website, but then I kind of spaced out and started bending this paperclip and...hey look! A bow-tie! What were we talking about?

Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that before you sit me down for another lecture about “time management” and the possibility of “letting me go,” you take into consideration the helplessness of this paperclip. And don’t even think that this has anything to do with the fact that I got hammered last night and ate six pounds of Chinese buffet for lunch today - I simply can’t, and won’t, abandon this paperclip in its time of need.

Now if you’ll please get out of my cubicle, this nap isn’t going to magically take itself.

Before


After

Asshole Car

2011-04-05T09:31:00.000-04:00

This car has been parked like this since we had huge snow piles in the parking lot. Nobody's bothered to move it since the snow melted.