Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Always Something Kinda Gross at DD

This time it's sausage links inside a sandwich. Were sausage patties which are round and flat and MADE TO FIT INSIDE A SANDWICH making too much sense? This thing is like an egg and cheese pontoon boat. No thanks.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tear in Space-Time Continuum Linked to Incomplete Timesheets

Despite several friendly reminders issued throughout the day on Friday, not a single employee of Burke & Wagner, P.C. has bothered to complete their timesheet before leaving for the day, resulting in a potentially serious tear in the space-time continuum.

"Yep, that looks like your classic Schwarzchild wormhole," said head of Payroll, Michelle St. Pierre, shaking her head and crawling backwards out of the black, swirling, vortex located in the third floor IT supply closet. "Last time we had one of these was the day before Thanksgiving."

As twenty-seven somewhat bewildered employees from an alternate version of Burke & Wagner emerged from the wormhole, twenty-seven employees from the original version of Burke & Wagner emerged happily into the parking lot to begin their Fourth of July weekend.

Don't let this happen to your office


"They never take me seriously," said St. Pierre, ducking into her office to avoid running into the slightly thinner, twelve-toed, version of herself rounding the corner. "They're always too busy for timesheets. Well tell me this, how do they think they're going to get paid? And what do they think is holding together the fabric of the universe?"

It is a little known fact among the scientific community that failure to complete ones timesheet, particularly after receiving an email reminder with a clip art sun waving an American flag at the bottom, will cause the opening of a once thought impossible "traversable wormhole” that can be used to cross between universes. It will also cause HR to be super bitchy.

“If this happens again, I’m not sure our universe will survive it. Timesheets need to be completed by 5:00 p.m. on Fridays for a reason, no exceptions!” shouted St. Pierre as her office, both legs, and left arm flickered in and out of existence. “Well, except for Dave who showed up from Universe 176Q a few months back. He can’t enter a timesheet with just a dorsal fin, but he turned out to be one hell of an engineer.”

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Classy

The Town of Saugus's homepage is, for reasons weird and unknown, full of erectile dysfunction ads.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cookies

When cookies with this many ingredients have an expiration date of today on them, you know your vending machine company sucks.



Saturday, June 11, 2011

One of About a Thousand Great Quotes


"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons." ~ Douglas Adams


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Shoplet Blog!

Secretary4Life has been featured in the Shoplet Blog Office-Writer Favorites!  Check it out.

Somehow I Manage

If you’re a fan of The Office, you surely know about the management manual Michael Scott cleverly called “Somehow I Manage.” You can actually read a few extremely short chapters of “Somehow I Manage” (and by chapters I mean paragraphs) on NBC’s website.

I was reminded of this is because I was in my boss’s office today and saw a book on his desk called “Don’t Take the Last Donut: New Rules of Business Etiquette.”

Me
Once I got past the sheer ludicrousness of not taking the last donut (Do we just stand around the last donut saying things to each other like “After you, sir,” and “No, I couldn’t possibly take that donut my good fellow,” and “Please, YOU have it, I insist,” until one of us gets a phone call and the group disperses and the last donut goes to waste? Fools!) I started wondering how many other business books have similarly stupid titles. I remembered seeing one at work called “Eat That Frog!” with the exclamation point and everything. A quick Google search tells me that the title is from a Mark Twain quote:

“If you eat a frog first thing in the morning that will probably be the worst thing you do all day.”

That’s actually a pretty good quote, and I like Mark Twain, so let me stop making fun of it and get on with making fun of other books that I haven’t put any effort into researching:

Poke the Box
Unfolding the Napkin
Who Says Elephants Can’t Dance
Juggling Elephants
Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite
The No Asshole Rule
Fish!
Whale Done!


Now let me come up with a few of my own:

Smelling Your Cubicle
Help! I Spilled Gatorade on my Pants!
Some Enjoy Marmalade
Rollerblading Douchebags
Bringing Back the Bowl Cut
Work First, Self Last


If you think up any of your own, please post them below. Whale done everybody!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

What Stays in Vegas

My first full length novel, What Stays in Vegas, is now available for 99 cents for Kindle, Nook, and Sony Reader:


Description
Bored administrative assistant, Tessa Golden, is trapped in a life of lousy weather, irritating bosses, and mind-numbing secretarial work. Her dreams of being an artist have rapidly deteriorated into building things out of paperclips while on hold with tech support.

To make matters even worse, the love of her life has gone off and married another woman.

So when Tessa is suddenly transferred to the Las Vegas branch of her company – playing wingwoman to her freshly divorced boss, juggling a client from hell, and catching the eye of one very eligible coworker – will her life finally be shaken up enough to straighten itself out?


An Excerpt
I stood looking up at the giant wall of reflective glass, tilting my head back as far as it could go to see to the very top of 1414 Howard Hughes Parkway. Palm trees lined the walkway leading into the home of Flamhauser-Geist’s Las Vegas branch, which occupied three levels of this gorgeous architectural monstrosity. Nothing was visible through the windows. No desks, no photocopiers, no conference rooms full of stressed out engineers. All that could be seen from the outside of the building was the reflection of palm trees swaying peacefully in the breeze, as if the inside did not exist. I caught my own reflection in the first floor windows, staring up in awe like an uncouth hillbilly, but for the moment I didn’t care. They don’t often make buildings like this back home, and when they do they certainly don’t reflect palm trees and sunshine. Working behind that glass, it seemed, could be nothing less than magnificent. I was lucky to be able to walk down this pathway each day, to pass by sand and cactus, and never catch a reflection of myself looking bedraggled and miserable from the rain or snow.

I smoothed out the new outfit that I’d bought during my shopping trip on Sunday – sky blue blouse, black skirt, zebra print heels. One paycheck down, six to go. Hey, first impressions are important, right? And to my delight, my sunburn had developed into quite a nice little tan. I was looking good and feeling ready to take on the role of Administrative Assistant to not only the manager of this branch, but also the daughter of Mr. Sean Flamhauser. This was a man who had grown up in the slums of Boston, graduated in the top of his class at Northeastern University, and became co-founder of one of the most respected civil engineering firms in the country. I felt every bit the hot shot as I walked through the front doors and immediately tripped over the carpet.