Friday, October 28, 2011

The Bling Ring

From the producer of The Tooth Fairy, The Santa Clause 3, and if I had to guess - The Zookeeper - comes The Bling Ring - a Lifetime Channel/Disney Channel style mashup about a gang of teenagers in Los Angeles who break into celebrity homes and steal a bunch of worthless crap worth millions. 

After ripping this movie and all of its unbelievable details to shreds, I come to find out that it’s actually based on a true story. But, seeing that this is what the real girl looked like:


and this is what the actress looks like:

I think we can pretty much look at this movie as a piece of fiction. 

The movie starts with Zack Garvey (Austin Butler) driving to his fancy new Hollywood high school with his mom (Jennifer-shitty-roles-since-the-nose-job-Grey). As mom ooh’s and aah’s over how nice the school looks, Zack points out that he, being a screw-up, actually goes to the “continuation school.” He points to what is clearly a trailer full of porto-potties. 

As soon as Zack gets out of the car, along comes the stereotypical, superficial, Asian chick, named Natalie (Yin Chang), who is wearing white nylon stockings and a mini skirt.  1995? Is that you? At one point Natalie actually uses the phrase “as if.” I am tempted to turn this crap off, but Dion and the guy from Scrubs should be along soon and that’s when the movie will really get - oh wait, wrong movie.  The girls eventually stop jumping up and down and saying "yay!" long enough to call Zack over to take their picture.  As if.  Girls like that would never talk to this guy in real life - sure from some angles he looks like Justin Bieber, but from others he looks like Napoleon Dynamite. Zack goes ahead and takes the picture and then scampers into the porto-johns to attend homeroom. 

After school, Natalie convinces Zack to let her drive him home, and she invites herself into his house. There we see a million framed head-shots of Zack that his mom has hung up as a reminder that he used to be a good kid who auditioned for cereal commercials and said things like “there’s no hope with dope.” It is a real tragedy that he will never again be exploited by an overbearing stage mother. 

Under the eyes of a thousand creepy head-shots, Zack introduces his lingerie clad hooker friend to his mom: 
Mom: You must be a friend of Zack’s?
Natalie: Weren’t you in Dirty Dancing?
Mom: I’m so glad Zack is making friends.
Natalie: You really shouldn’t have done that to your no -
Mom: I know. 
After revealing that Zack’s dad is super cool and does payroll for a movie studio, Natalie decides that the two of them must crash a party that Zack knows about at Club Bosso. Cue the Rodeo Drive shopping montage where Natalie shoplifts a studded leather wrist cuff and Zack unintentionally distracts the saleslady by hyperventilating into a paper bag. They were made for each other! Let the crime spree begin! 

The plot of the story eventually gets going, with Zack and Natalie showing up to a party at Paris Hilton’s house, only to discover that nobody is there, and that Paris Hilton doesn’t lock her doors. Not only does she not lock her doors, but she also doesn’t lock her gates or have any sort of security whatsoever. They walk right in and start ransacking clothes from her closet, eventually selling them to a creep named Vin who looks a lot like Matt Dillon. We’ll call him Lifetime’s Version of Matt Dillon (LVMD) and probably never refer to him again. 

Now comes my favorite part. We meet Detective Archie Fishman, played by Tom Irwin - a real actor. This guy’s been in tons of television shows and movies (and I’m talking outside of the Lifetime Movie Network, not William R. Moses style). So when Tom's opening scene finds him walking around Paris Hilton’s closet, clutching a blue sequined Versace gown, and rifling through Tinkerbell’s collection of tutu’s for fingerprints, well, I just feel very depressed. 

In another scene, Fishman is reading a copy of US Weekly for police “research,” and his wife reminds him that he’s only working on this stupid case in order to put his daughter through college. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the actor himself has a daughter in college and desperately needed some cash. I heard your hidden message, Tom. I heard it, and I forgive you. 

Eventually we get to meet Zack’s dad who is an emotionally abusive ass, intent on ruining family dinners with conversations about how his son is a huge failure. “Is that what you spend all day thinking about? Getting into night clubs?”  Cut to a classic scene of Zack’s parents sitting down to a two layer sheet cake all by themselves because Zack (the screw-up) is “out with his friends.” There’s even a Happy Birthday banner on the wall like the Dad is six years old, and there are fucking party hats on the table. Even if the Dad were the nicest guy in the world and the inventor of Disneyland, I wouldn’t expect a teenager to show up to that shit. 

While the birthday party is in full swing, Zack, Natalie, and Natlie’s girlfriends are continuing to rob celebrity homes, including Audrina Patridge, Megan Fox, and eventually Orlando Bloom. All of these celebs have surveillance cameras that aren’t hooked up to any sort of alarm system. Actually, I'm pretty sure they are just broadcast straight to YouTube. Detective Fishman, and an assortment of other serious actors who may have since ended their acting careers and lives, sit around the police station trying to figure out who the perpetrators are based on these surveillance tapes (which, if they only pushed the damn Zoom button, they would be able to figure out in about ten seconds since none of the kids are wearing masks). 

A sad day for serious actors
Instead, the cops set up a fake Facebook account and post one message that says “Looking for high end designer clothing, previous owner must be famous.” Then they go have coffee, and probably donuts. Fine job, boys. 

If you want to skip ahead to where the movie starts to “get real,” just go to 1:09.  Zack is confronted by Detective Fishman and has it out with his ass of a Dad (a/k/a Ass Dad).  “I tried so hard to be proud of you!” yells Ass Dad. “You’re jealous of me!” fires back Zack. “Why would anyone be jealous of you?” says Ass Dad “Can’t you just admit that you’re a screw up?"  Ouch.  Once you've said that phrase to your child you've pretty much sealed the deal on eventually being sent away to a nursing home.  

The movie goes on in this manner for way too long, until the kids finally get caught after robbing Orlando Bloom’s house. Zack wants LVMD to get caught, so he sells him a watch that he immediately posts to Detective Fishman's lame Facebook page.  Using a SEARCH search:


and a couple of Encyclopedia Brown books, Detective Fishman gets the evidence he needs to arrest everybody.  I don’t really know the details. The movie was horrible and I got up to make popcorn and feed the cats right before it ended.

The movie ends with Zack waxing poetic into his webcam as the police are on their way to arrest him. We never do find out if they go to jail, or if Ass Dad has a well-deserved coronary. If you’re really interested you can check out the whole story on Wikipedia. But really, it’s best if you just forget this whole thing ever happened. 

Tom Irwin will thank you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Employee Grabs for Low-Hanging Fruit, Dies

Bickman-Bergmeyer employee, Daryl Pitman, 47, died yesterday after a failed attempt at grabbing the low-hanging fruit.

“It was just so sad,” said Administrative Assistant, Donna Carr. “We all saw it happen. Our boss, Larry, had just gotten through telling us that in these tough economic times we need to go after the low-hanging fruit. The next thing we know, Daryl’s outside crumpled on the ground, the low-hanging fruit crushed beneath his massive frame. He was in no shape to attempt that.”

Pitman, who was all amped up on caffeine and corporate jargon after a two hour meeting about business development, returned to his desk to send what would become his final email to the office.

“I’m going to go for it,” the email simply read.

At 3:00 p.m. Pitman took a running start from the west entrance of the building, got maybe a quarter of an inch off the ground, and then went down like a tranquilized water buffalo. One pathetic orange and a couple of berries fell to the ground below, most likely knocked loose by a frightened squirrel, and were later identified by upper management as “totally useless.”

“It was the low-hanging fruit, for Christ sake,” said Branch Manager, Larry Marshall. “By definition, it requires no effort to grab. You’d think anyone could handle it. But apparently when you’re 5’ 9”, 290 pounds, even that’s too much to ask.” Marshall shook his head in disgust at the fruit stained chalk outline below his window.

Coworkers remember Pitman as someone who always tried to do his best for the company, regardless of human physical limitations.

“I remember one time in 2008,” said Carr, “when he tried so hard to give 110%. He’d get up to 100% and then he’d scrunch his face up real hard and start sweating. It was sweet. He ended up with a hiatal hernia and two bleeding ulcers, but I’ll be damned if we didn’t sign four new clients that year.”


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

This video just makes me realize how much awesome stuff is on the Internet that I probably don't know about:

Monday, October 24, 2011

A New Study!

A new, and most likely extremely scientific, study has found that working women only look their best for 2 hours and 22 minutes each day (from when they leave their house until about 10:03 a.m.).   I can believe that.  My straightened hair is usually curled up before I'm even done feeding the cats.  By the time 10:03 rolls around most office workers have been sobbing for an hour and a half, and that will smudge anyone's mascara.  Add in rocking back and forth in your chair with your face buried in your hands and wiping Chipotle off your chin with a paper napkin, and you're bound to look a little less than perfect by the end of the day.

25% of women polled also said that the more makeup they applied in the morning, the better they felt throughout the day.  I don't buy that for a second.  Mimi was a total bitch ALL day. 


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Free Book!

Through Sunday October 23rd, use coupon code ZJ34V and get a free e-book copy of What Stays in Vegas from Smashwords!

All I ask is that you leave me a review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble, thank you!

Friday, October 14, 2011

A Dapper Snapper Day

I'm going to be all mom-like now and tell all you other moms about this great piece of mom technology called the Dapper Snapper:



It snaps around your toddler's belt loops in the back and holds up all their pants that you thought were too big. No longer does your child have to look like Steve Urkel because the only pants that fit his waist are too high above his ankles.

P. S. If you find that even with the Dapper Snapper your kid still looks like Steve Urkel, well, then you have yourself a problem.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Is It National Boss Day Already?

I couldn’t help but laugh when I noticed that National Boss Day (Sunday, October 16th) was listed on my Dunkin Donuts calendar as “National Boss Day Observed,” on Monday, October 17th. I know that a calendar that commemorates Cream Filled Donut Day and Croissant Day (I’m lookin’ at you January 30th) should not be taken seriously. But I need to ask - is there anybody out there who actually celebrates National Boss Day? 

I mean, I like my bosses. I’m lucky that they’ve always treated me well. But I’m not going to buy them a Macy’s gift card and a bouquet of tulips. Why? 1) Because they’re men, and 2) they make four times as much money as I do. Besides, isn’t doing my job well a gift in itself? Every time I type a letter without typos, or print a document without punching the bejesus out of the printer, it’s as if I am telling my bosses “I respect you.” When you cater to somebody’s every whim and scramble around trying to make sure everything they ask for is done quickly - that makes every day Boss Day. Much like every day is Two Year Old Kid Day. If you haven’t figured that much out yet, you probably find yourself getting fired a lot. 

I read an article suggesting taking your boss out to lunch or for coffee to celebrate. Obviously they don’t realize that Edward Cullen, C3PO, and my bosses don’t actually consume food. Sure they walk around crinkling energy bar wrappers and loudly asking each other if they want anything from Wendy’s, but that’s all for show. All the coffee they appear to drink really just drains into bottles that they store inside their hollowed out android legs. Clearly, taking them out for lunch or coffee would be a colossal waste of time.

No thanks, I already ate




















So, Dunkin Donuts calendar, why don’t we just leave National Boss Day where it belongs - on Sunday. That way we can celebrate it from our respective homes without having to see each other until Monday. In the meantime, I will leave you with an example of a boss who actually does deserve recognition on National Boss Day...and one who should probably just die:

Boss who deserves to be honored:When the Malden Mills factory in Methuen, MA burned down in 1995, Aaron Feuerstein used the insurance money to continue paying 3,000 employees their salaries (plus full benefits) while the factory was rebuilt. In 1998 he was awarded the Peace Abbey Courage of Conscience Award.

Boss who does not:When Ashley Alford was sitting on the stockroom floor of Aaron’s furniture store in 2005, her boss Richard Moore came up behind her and put his penis on her head.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Modern American Worker

Glad to see my career is the number 3 most popular in the U.S. Most likely this is because ANYBODY CAN DO IT.

American Workers
Via: Business Insurance Hub

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Mother May I Sleep With Lifetime

While doing some research (googling) for my last blog post about that heinous Lifetime movie The Perfect Roommate, I came across this hilarious Lifetime movie review blog!  Tomorrow being a holiday that I have to work, I plan to spend some serious time checking it out.

The movies are categorized by theme, such as:  jerkwad boyfriend/husband, graveside funeral, watersports, Stamos, stairs of doom, and rape as a plot device.

I almost can't wait to get to work tomorrow!

We both wear men's shirts

Friday, October 7, 2011

This Review Contains Spoilers

But it doesn’t matter, because you should never watch this movie. I’ve never done a movie review before, mostly because they don’t fit the content of my office humor blog. But one of my favorite Sunday activities, in order to ward off thoughts of the impending work week, is watching a good Lifetime movie. So when one of them leaves me disappointed and shocked as to, not the poor quality (as that is expected), but the total dud of an ending, I feel compelled to spread the word.

As you may or may not know, Lifetime movies typically focus on the story of one unfortunate woman or another - maybe she’s anorexic, or wrongly accused of murder, or being beat senseless by John Schneider for purchasing the wrong kind of potato salad (“You know I hate German!!”). The best ones were made in the early 1990’s, and the worst ones were made in 2009 and beyond. Recently, the quality of the acting and the look of the movies in general have come to resemble soft core porn. I have a theory that the “full” versions of these movies actually do exist on Cinemax, with Lifetime purchasing them for twelve bucks, editing out the sex, and airing them as “television for women.” It could happen.

Anyhow, you can imagine my delight when I plopped down in front of the t.v. and saw that The Perfect Roommate (2011) was on Lifetime On Demand. With a description like this, it felt like Christmas:
“Carrie Remington seems like any other struggling waitress who's had a run of bad luck including a recent divorce. Things seem to be improving when she moves in with Ashley Dunnfield, a young woman from a wealthy background who's trying to make it on her own without assistance from her father, Richard. Ashley is thrilled when Carrie helps to win her father over, but when Carrie starts dating Richard, Ashley starts digging into her past and finds out that there is much she didn't know about her new roommate's sinister history.”
The movie was doomed from the very beginning by the casting of main character Carrie. There was something disturbing about her, and I’m not talking about her ‘sinister history.’ I’m talking about her bowl cut. I’m talking about the fact that she looks like a nightmare version of Katie Holmes. I’m talking about the fact that this so-called seductress appeared to be hiding a nine months pregnant body under strange, billowy, outfits. All of that combined made it laughable when Ashley’s 22 year old boyfriend describes her as being “hot.” Yeah, maybe if you find the love child of Paul McCartney and a Twiddlebug to be up your alley.






+






=





















So, Carrie moves in with Ashley after telling her that the friend she’s been living with has died, and that she has no place to live. Ashley, meanwhile, is dealing with her own drama involving her mega-rich dad, Richard (hereafter referred to as “Mega Dick”) and his inability to let her live her own life. Ashley’s dad is played by William R. Moses, who my husband I lovingly refer to as “that guy who will do anything.” He’s been in countless Lifetime movies, usually playing a bland husband, bland dad, or bland sex addicted proctologist. Even if he’s not playing a main character, it’s a safe bet that you’ll spot him driving through the background in a mail truck. We figure his career goes something like this:
Lifetime Exec:  Mr. Moses? We have an idea for a movie...
WRM:  I’ll do it.
Lifetime Exc:  Don’t you even want to know what it’s abou-
WRM:  Sign me up.
Lifetime Exec:  But sir, you’ll be playing a cross-dressing - 
WRM:  When do I start?
Hey, the guy’s gotta eat. And usually when you see his name in the cast list you can expect a pretty formulaic Lifetime movie. You know: 1 crazy woman + 1 normal woman + 1 clueless guy being controlled by his penis. Crazy woman’s craziness is discovered by normal woman, but not before crazy woman drugs and ties up clueless guy in a cabin in the woods. Normal woman shows up to confront crazy woman and there is a shoot-out/slugging with sledgehammer from the garage scene in which crazy woman dies and then comes back to life before being taken down once and for all by a police officer who finally believes normal woman’s story (“Look lady, go home and let us do our jobs”). Clueless guy can either live or die, he doesn’t matter in the least. 

You know you're in for a treat





















The Perfect Roommate had the perfect set up. It had this exact formula laid out and ready to roll.  Ashley’s boyfriend’s brother is even a police officer. He was shot in the line of duty and is now confined to a wheelchair. He’s depressed and has low self esteem. “Perfect!” you think. “This guy is clearly going to figure out Carrie’s dark past. He’s going to arrive at the cabin in the woods, and out of sheer determination to save Ashley from harm, will rise from his wheelchair, shoot Carrie, and once again be a hero.” You know what happens instead? He makes a phone call to another police officer and asks him to do a background check. Then he relays some suspicious information about Carrie to Ashley and her boyfriend. THAT’S IT. You never see the guy for the rest of the movie!! Instead of giving the poor sap a medal of honor, the writers just leave him in a wheelchair in his apartment with the curtains drawn, probably watching shit like this on t.v.

So after a few weeks of boring ass dates where Carrie drinks a lot of wine and tricks Mega Dick into thinking they have loads in common, the repulsive lovebirds take off on a romantic hotel getaway. While they’re on this getaway, Ashley finds out that Carrie is actually a psycho and is behind the murder of Mega Dick’s ex-girlfriend. “Perfect!” you think again, sadly still mustering some shards of hope. “Now comes the part where Mega Dick gets tied up and the hotel gets set on fire and Ashley gets stabbed!”

You know what actually happens? Carrie intercepts a voicemail Ashley has left for Mega Dick asking him to come get her at a gas station where her car has broken down.  Carrie leaves Mega Dick sleeping peacefully in the hotel (he’s not even drugged for Christ Sake. NOT EVEN DRUGGED) and drives to the gas station where they finally have a confrontation. Ashley reveals that she knows who Carrie really is! Carrie snaps! She picks up a broken bottle and chases Ashley around the parking lot! Only...she chases her for one lap. One lap. Then this cop pulls up and Ashley tells him that Carrie is trying to kill her. Carrie sashays her twiddlebug hips over and says all innocent-like “She’s lying!” And instead of the cop doubting for even a second that Ashley is telling the truth (and in a normal Lifetime movie, allowing Carrie the chance to smash him in the face with the bottle), he simply tells Carrie that she has to come with him. AND THAT’S THE END OF THE MOVIE!!!! That is the atrocious, anti-climactic, more disappointing than the ends of Twilight, LOST, and Seinfeld combined, end of the fucking movie.

Except for the very last scene where Mega Dick is having a boring dinner with his daughter and son-in-law-to be, which then cuts to Carrie sitting in jail with a magazine, eyeing the picture of another rich dude who she’s supposedly going to target next. What? How? You’re in prison for murder for the rest of your fucking life.

In short, do not waste your time on this movie. With 5,764 other William R. Moses Lifetime movies to choose from, you’re bound to find something better.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tuesday Lunch

Wendy's fancy new "Hot n' Juicy" burgers look even worse than the regular ones. WTF is this? I haven't tasted it yet as I was so appalled at the presentation that I had to post immediately.

Update: After eating said "Hot n' Juicy" burger, I can conclude that it was neither hot nor juicy. It may have been less than hot due to me blogging about it before eating, although the radio ad claims it is "hotter than ever." If that was the case, it should still have been hot by the time I ate it, and still relatively warm when 3/4 of the way down my digestive tract.

As for juiciness, I found the patty pretty rubbery, and, as a coworker put it, it looks like someone knit it out of yarn. I found ONE crinkle cut pickle inside, along with one skinny, stringy, onion. I don't have to describe the cheese - you can see for yourself how difficult it is to place a square piece of cheese atop a square burger. I didn't even notice the buttered up bun as I was too busy wondering why I didn't go to Five Guys.

I do like Wendy's, but every time they have something new and improved, it tastes terrible.