Morning Commute Extended Due to Traffic, Yeti

Poor driving conditions, and the absolute nerve of an 8-foot tall anthropoid man-beast darting into oncoming traffic, led to an accident and at least two miles of backup during this morning’s commute.

Traffic came to a standstill while the Massachusetts State Police cleared the area of shattered glass and three Hefty bags full of the inconsiderate cryptid’s woolly remains. Flooding on Route 9, which had already been causing commuters enough strife without a North American Apeman deciding to leap full speed over the guardrail during rush hour, is said to be blamed for a Toyota Camry skidding across three lanes of traffic.

Next time try the crosswalk

The hitting of the yeti, after decades of speculation as to the great beast’s existence, has caused rejoicing and repeated punching of the steering wheel among anthropologists, amateur Bigfoot enthusiasts, and road-raging corporate Americans alike. There is no question that today will forever be hailed as both a day that history was made, and a day that some jerk tried to sneak up the breakdown lane because his exit is right there and there’s no way he’s waiting in this shit when he’s got a presentation to make at 9:00 a.m.

The scientific community stated that they are standing by to modify the Classification of Living Things just as soon as that idiot cop wakes up and waves them through.

Local Secretary a Total Fricking Rock Star From Mars

After clearing a multi-drawer paper jam from the photocopier with her fire-breathing fists, local secretary Barbara Peterson has declared herself a total fricking rock star from Mars.

"This insurance agency can't process me. You can't process me with a normal brain," said Peterson, 64, heading into the kitchen. "Oooh look, somebody brought bagels!"

Peterson first entered the spotlight as perfect and bitchin back in May of 2009 when she singlehandedly located a missing Word document from Wilson Insurance Agency's server.

"Look what I'm dealing with, man, I'm dealing with fools and trolls," said Peterson, motioning to long-time boss Marvin Cohen, 43. "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say “I can't process it," well, no you never will, just stop trying. Sit back and enjoy the show."

While generally referred to as "okay" and "nice I guess," by most co-workers, several have expressed concern over Peterson's refusal to particpate in the "You Finish It You Fill It" coffeemaker policy, despite the sign clearly posted on the wall.

"It was written for normal people, people that aren't special," said Peterson. "People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA."

No I will not pick up your dry cleaning

"She most likely does not possess Adonis DNA," said Marvin Cohen. "Nor should she continue referring to her co-workers as trolls. I've been meaning to speak to her about that."

"Look," said Peterson," I'm on a drug. It's called 'Barbara Peterson.' It's not available 'cause if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off, and children will weep over your exploded body."

While it remains unconfirmed whether or not ones face will actually melt off after trying Barbara Peterson, it has been confirmed by administrative assistant, Megan Myers, that Barbara Peterson will certainly bore your ass off.

Coworker's Creepiness Destroying Other People's Friendships

December 5, 2010

Boston, MA - Over the course of four years, office creep, Marty Thompson, 56, has singlehandedly ended the innocent friendships of four grossed out administrative assistants.

"Any time Tracy and I were talking, he would just appear out of nowhere and make a comment about how we're always together," said Annabeth Spencer, 29. "Then he would make a joke about how he was going to tell on us to our boss. He was practically drooling all over his scraggly beard."

"We decided that it was best if we never spoke to each other again," said Tracy Johnson, 28. "All I need is for that guy to picture us having a pajama party."

Over the years, several other administrative assistants have called it quits on their friendships due to Thompsons unwelcome remarks and the fact that he drives a 1997 Lincoln Towncar with a green wash cloth on the dashboard.

"Megan Riley and I used to be great friends," said Ariana Benson, 25, "until that day Marty walked by while I was cutting a tag out of her sweater and asked if we needed any help."

"Never again," said Megan. "It's not worth it. Now I just hang out with Rob Markowski in IT. He has acne. Wait, could he be into that too?"

While Thompson has never formally been charged with sexual harassment, he has been unable to escape his image as a total skeezoid loser. Neither his black tapered jeans and Miami Dolphins jacket combo, nor the nude mannequin legs in his back seat, have helped in shedding the debilitating label.

When approached for comment, Thompson locked himself inside his office either to review invoices or to watch video feed from the first floor ladies restroom.

Local Admin Can't Just Sit Around Eating Turkey All Day Like Those Pilgrims

From behind a steaming cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese, Administrative Assistant, Marjorie Bangs, 43, declared that while the Pilgrims certainly had some challenges of their own, they would never be able to survive a day in her shoes.  "Sure they gave up everything to crowd onto a ship for two months with nothing to eat but salted fish and maggot infested biscuits," said Bangs, taking a few moments to reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday.  "But did they ever have to deal with Steve's moods on a Monday morning?" 

When not chowing down on breakfast pastries, Bangs can be found ordering toner cartridges and printing out Mapquest directions - tasks she ranks above that of our forefather's quest for religious freedom.  "The Pilgrims didn't know what to expect.  There could just as easily been elves with welcome baskets full of homemade jellies waiting in the woods as there were Indians with deadly bows and arrows. So what was there to be afraid of?  Me on the other hand, if I accidentally type in Oak Terrace instead of Oak Street, and Steve is late for his meeting, I know exactly what's going to happen."  Bangs demonstrated her point by making a "knife across the throat" motion.

While Bangs acknowledges that brutal conditions resulted in the death of 47% of settlers, she also notes that it is up to her alone to remind boss, Steve Carlson, that if he doesn't schedule his colonoscopy soon, all the November appointments will be taken.  "The Pilgrims didn't even have appointments," she added. "And if they did, they had plenty of Pilgrim women to help them out. Those women didn't have anything else to do.  Here, it's just me."  When informed that fourteen of the Pilgrim women died of hypothermia, scurvy, and diarrhea during the first winter, leaving a mere four women to nurse and cook for an entire colony, Bangs made a point of mentioning how she utilizes hand sanitizer and always keeps a cardigan on the back of her chair.  "It gets chilly in here so you have to know how to take care of yourself in the winter.  Especially when you're just sitting for hours at a time."

"Look," said Bangs, "I appreciate everything those people did for our country.  But it was simpler times back then.  Some days I'll be juggling three things at once while Steve is breathing down my neck to do things his way. It's always got to be his way.  I have no freedom here.  The Pilgrims worked hard and all, but they never had to deal with this kind of persecution." 

Dr. Albus Dumbledorf, DMD, Totally Unaware of Harry Potter

October 27, 2010

Utica, NY - Dr. Albus P. Dumbledorf, D.M.D., a Utica, NY orthodontist for over 26 years, has expressed bewilderment at the substantial rise in patients he has seen over the past seven years.

"It's like some magical force has been drawing children to my practice," said Dumbledorf, a tall, graying man, with crescent shaped spectacles. "This one child took my picture and said he was going to 'post' it to 'Facebook.' Facebook? I don't know, I just talk to my colleagues using these state of the art video phones that I've mounted on the walls of my office. Look, there's Dr. Weinstein, he's waving to us."

With the recent increase in patients, Dr. Dumbledorf has been able to hire several new staff members including Rubeus Hagridson, a foreboding but loveable once you get to know him x-ray tech, and Hermione Grangeroni, the smart as a whip but not quite there yet in the looks department receptionist.

"I don't really understand what it is," said Dumbledorf. "But my local colleagues, who have gone so far as giving out free orthodontia themed stickers, have still not experienced the type of surge that we have. It makes you wonder if something else is going on."

When approached for comment, children in the waiting room admitted that while they love Dr. Dumbledorf, and that it's a real shame he has to die in book six, if he tightens their braces one more time he's probably gonna get kicked.

Fast Food Workers Not Jealous of You, Not One Bit

October 20, 2010 

Boston, MA - In a recent study conducted by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, it was revealed that fast food workers employed in the vicinity of your office building are in no way jealous of you, not one bit.  The study, which interviewed fast food workers in every single business district on Earth, was originally intended to measure job satisfaction among those earning minimum wage.  But in an unprecedented twist, all questions regarding job satisfaction resulted in the same response - "I am so glad to not be like them."  This statement was typically followed by the employee pointing toward the registers where any number of knee-length wool trench coat wearing middle-managers were waiting to order. 

"At first, I envied them," said an anonymous Chipotle worker, possibly from the one that you go to. "They'd come in with their Blackberries, looking like they had it all. Talking real loud about things I didn't understand. And I thought for a while that maybe I should go back to school and try to get a job like that. But then, just as I handed one of them their barbacoa burrito bowl, I noticed his eyes. Dead, hollow. As if all the sadness in the world had been funneled straight into his soul.  And the air seemed to get, I don't know, colder it seemed.  I don't like to think about it, I'm sorry...I gotta go squash up some avocados."

Director of the study, Andrew Smithfield, was surprised to find that it was actually the downtown areas where fast food employees showed the greatest satisfaction with their jobs. 

"A finding like that is probably due to the fact that the douchiest attorneys work downtown," said Smithfield. "The presence of those types of assholes, plus totally hideous looking City Hall employees, tends to make fast food workers more appreciative of their jobs." 

"Sure some of them come in and yell at us because they ordered no onions, or they found a Bandaid in their fries," said an anonymous Burger King worker. "But at the end of the day, who's the one having a heart attack at fifty? Not me. Plus, I get all the free Quad Stackers I can eat."

The Secretary4Life Daily News

McDonald's Monopoly Game Last Chance for Success in Life

October 11, 2010

Boston, MA - After exhausting all other opportunities to become successful in life, administrative assisant Donna Porter, 56, has come to the conclusion that winning any of the prizes in McDonald's 2010 Monopoly game will be the best thing she can ever expect to happen to her.

Over the years Porter has considered a myriad of new career paths, but lacked the initiative to follow through with any of them. In 2004, after caring for an ill grandparent with the utmost compassion, Porter enrolled in a nursing program at North Shore Community College. She later dropped out due to the mention of a ten page term paper on her Anatomy & Physiology syllabus.

"On weekends I go onto Craigs List," said Porter, "and try to meet up with other people who might have found the rarer pieces." With no other current goals, Porter is able to spend up to 6 hours per day tracking down the elusive pieces.

In 1994 Porter finished writing a novel about a teenage vampire who falls madly in love with a mortal girl. After receiving two rejections letters, Porter accepted the idea that "Dusk" was silly and probably unsaleable.

"You can get pieces on the Filet o' Fish, a large fry, a Quarter Pound...no, not a Quarter Pounder, a Big Mac, and also the McGriddle," said Porter. "So, I could play three times a day if I wanted to. And why not? If you want to become the successful owner of a 2011 Ford Edge, you've really got to put in the effort."

"Look," said Porter, tearing into her second box of McNuggets, "not everyone is meant to find success with a fancy career or a best selling novel. If I could get my hands on that $5,000 Walmart shopping spree, I would finally feel that I made it."

"Shit," she added. "Baltic."

The Secretary4Life Daily News

Co-worker's Unmarked Package Almost Definitely Erectile Dysfunction Medication

October 5, 2010

Boston, MA - Mail carrier Jim Granger, 37, voiced suspicion on Monday that the unmarked packages delivered monthly to Weinstein-Fleiss employee Richard Wire are almost definitely erectile dysfunction medication. 

"Once a month, like clockwork, he gets this weird package wrapped in plain brown paper," said Granger. "I mean, plain brown paper? They may as well just stamp a picture of his non-functioning ding-dong right on there."

The suspicious package is usually postmarked from Detroit and yields no helpful clues when shaken or thumped. Receptionist Marie Baxter, 30, attempted to confirm the package's contents by "accidentally" tearing the paper and claiming that she thought it was a sweater she had ordered from Ann Taylor. Unfortunately a second unmarked box was found underneath the plain brown paper.

When reached for comment, Wire said that he wished the receptionist would just give him his contact lenses without all the strange looks.

The Secretary4Life Daily News

Even Ficus Tree Bored Out Of Its God Damned Mind

October 4, 2010

Boston, MA - After three years of being stationed outside of that moron Scott Winston's cubicle, a 6-foot ficus tree has confirmed that if it has to spend another minute in this place it's going to lose its God damned mind.

"Day in and day out it's the same old shit with these people," said the ficus. "And God forbid that fat ass should ever take five minutes out of his precious day to hold a conversation. Unless there are Snickers bars dangling from my limbs he ain't interested."

Sources have confirmed that part of receptionist Marcy Brown's job description includes watering the disgruntled ficus once a week.

"Yeah that broad waters me, big deal. They expect me to hang around all week waiting for it like it's the second coming of Christ? Whoopty doo."

In a memo to Branch Manager Robert St. George that was never written because trees cannot write, the ficus expressed its opinion of how everybody in the office is either a total blowhard, major dipshit, or boring enough to make it just quit photosynthesizing and die.

"You think I want to waste my energy converting carbon dioxide into sugars so I can sit here and listen to these zombies talk about grabbing the low-hanging fruit?" said the ficus. "I'm a f#cking tree and even I don't give a rat's ass about low-hanging fruit."

"Get a life," it added.

"You know, I've got a sister adorning the lobby of Google out in California.  Every day I wonder how it is I ended up here."

As of press time, the ficus tree was considering going back to school for a teaching degree once it figures out how the hell to get to the elevator.

The Secretary4Life Daily News

Storage Room to Become New Guy's Office
September 9, 2010

Boston, MA - In an unprecedented decision by management on Wednesday, administrative assistants Danielle Rogers and Janet Wong spent the morning hauling heavy assed boxes of shit out of the storage room at Shepherd & Locke Law Offices.

"They told us some new guy's starting on Monday and that we better get this place cleaned out before we go to lunch," said Rogers, 24. "I don't know if he's somebody's nephew or what, but new people usually just get one of the empty cubicles. I kind of hate him already."

"Michael Watson comes to us with 15 years litigation experience in dog and small animal hoarding," said manager, Stuart Block, 54. "He really has what it takes to make it in this firm and we want to offer him the very best that we have."

The best that Shepherd & Locke has will come replete with windows, an electric pencil sharpener, and a chair that was wheeled in from the conference room.

"I'm pretty sure something died in here last summer," said Wong, 37. "Isn't that right, Danielle? I remember the exterminators were here for like, ever."

According to sources, upon moving into his new office Watson will also be offered a company credit card, a company car, and a welcome lunch at one of the hottest spots in the Financial District.

"He's just, he's just...he's really cutthroat," said Block. "I mean, we can't mess this up. We can't mess this up, or else we're done. The company's done."

"So we basically had to drag 150 boxes into that pile over there so this jackass can have a nice place to update his Facebook status," said Rogers, rolling her eyes. "But whatever. It's his funeral. Who wants Quizno's?"

As of press time, Watson was still weighing his other options before deciding if he will show up to work on Monday.