Secretary4Life's Thanksgiving Countdown

Since November 1st, I’ve noticed some people on Facebook doing a countdown where they list one thing that they’re thankful for each day until Thanksgiving. That is all very positive and nice, but since I know that nobody cares if I’m thankful that I will be long dead before artificial intelligence enslaves the human race, I have instead created a list of 24 things that I am thankful for at the office. Because, contrary to how it feels when you have direct deposit - they do actually pay us to be here. So let’s take a look at the perks:

1. They pay us to be here.
2. Sure it’s 62 degrees in the office, but a toasty space heater is pretty nice while I...
3. Sip on a Starbucks coffee from down the street while....
4. Surfing the Internet for hours at a time in my....
5. Ridiculously huge cubicle before...
6. Heading out to lunch at Chipotle in...
7. My car that I otherwise would not have been able to afford, and in which I am also...
8. Sent on road trips to picturesque New England towns, although...
9. I am sometimes sent to Worcester in the rain. But time outside the office is time outside the office.
10. I am thankful for email and its contribution to the reduction of human interaction. 
11. I am thankful that I am not a receptionist who answers the phone all day (no offense, receptionists). See also #10. 
12. It’s nice that we have a water cooler...
13. And a Keurig coffee maker...
14. And vending machines. Because at my last office we drank out of the sink and starved. 
15. This company rescued me and my Dixie cup of tap water from my last job, for which I am forever grateful (see #14). 
16. After six years of layoffs and firings, I still have a few close friends with whom to make fun of everybody else. 
17. Other people’s bodily functions play little to no part in my daily routine.
18. Sometimes I look outside and see deer and turkeys which is kind of cool. Other times...
19. I look in the kitchen and see free turkey sandwiches.  Also cool. 
20. Our tree that smells like dog feces has finally fallen over.
21. I am confident that it will be at least five years before my job is given to a pair of robot arms screwed into the back of a chair. 
22. I’ve been blessed with learning three different timesheet programs in the past six years (getting.... harder.....to keep up......positive......attitude......)
23. Even a pair of robot arms wouldn’t be able to figure out our latest timesheet program, and I’ll take that as job security. 
24. With the day after Thanksgiving off, I don’t have to see this hellish prison ‘til Monday. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Local Admin Can't Just Sit Around Eating Turkey All Day Like Those Pilgrims

From behind a steaming cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese, Administrative Assistant, Marjorie Bangs, 43, declared that while the Pilgrims certainly had some challenges of their own, they would never be able to survive a day in her shoes.  "Sure they gave up everything to crowd onto a ship for two months with nothing to eat but salted fish and maggot infested biscuits," said Bangs, taking a few moments to reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday.  "But did they ever have to deal with Steve's moods on a Monday morning?" 

When not chowing down on breakfast pastries, Bangs can be found ordering toner cartridges and printing out Mapquest directions - tasks she ranks above that of our forefather's quest for religious freedom.  "The Pilgrims didn't know what to expect.  There could just as easily been elves with welcome baskets full of homemade jellies waiting in the woods as there were Indians with deadly bows and arrows. So what was there to be afraid of?  Me on the other hand, if I accidentally type in Oak Terrace instead of Oak Street, and Steve is late for his meeting, I know exactly what's going to happen."  Bangs demonstrated her point by making a "knife across the throat" motion.

While Bangs acknowledges that brutal conditions resulted in the death of 47% of settlers, she also notes that it is up to her alone to remind boss, Steve Carlson, that if he doesn't schedule his colonoscopy soon, all the November appointments will be taken.  "The Pilgrims didn't even have appointments," she added. "And if they did, they had plenty of Pilgrim women to help them out. Those women didn't have anything else to do.  Here, it's just me."  When informed that fourteen of the Pilgrim women died of hypothermia, scurvy, and diarrhea during the first winter, leaving a mere four women to nurse and cook for an entire colony, Bangs made a point of mentioning how she utilizes hand sanitizer and always keeps a cardigan on the back of her chair.  "It gets chilly in here so you have to know how to take care of yourself in the winter.  Especially when you're just sitting for hours at a time."

"Look," said Bangs, "I appreciate everything those people did for our country.  But it was simpler times back then.  Some days I'll be juggling three things at once while Steve is breathing down my neck to do things his way. It's always got to be his way.  I have no freedom here.  The Pilgrims worked hard and all, but they never had to deal with this kind of persecution." 

Secretary4Life's Thanksgiving Table, Literally

In order to improve our lousy, ungrateful, attitudes, a fellow administrative assistant suggested that each day we try to think of something that we are thankful for at work (besides a paycheck).  As everybody knows, there is no better time than Thanksgiving to be halfheartedly thankful for all the things that you sort of appreciate around the office.  And if forcing myself to come up with positive things to say about secretarial work passes the time until I'm sinking my teeth into a juicy turkey dinner, then let's get started:

Item of Thankfulness	Thankfulness Meter
Last week I was thankful for the leftover pickles and Cheetos I found in the kitchen.   Right before that discovery I was thankful for my Starbucks coffee.	After mixing the three together, not so thankful.
We are both thankful that we didn't work as secretaries before photocopiers were invented.  If somebody needed ten copies did the secretary have to type up ten copies?  Or did bosses not even ask for ten copies because they could instead chase you around the desk grabbing at your ass?  It seems likely that in a time of unrestricted sexual harassment, secretaries may have had it made.	Thankfulness re-evaluated and canceled out
My admin friend is thankful that I taught her "Alt-0176" makes the "degree" symbol in Word.  Okay look, I'm thankful when the IT guy fixes my printer and when I remember how to freeze panes in Excel, but I'm not about to bring it up over Thanksgiving dinner.	Thankfulness exaggerated
I am thankful for the free packets of Advil in the kitchen. It's nice of this place to say "We realize we are causing you physical pain, we accept it, and here is a little something to treat the symptoms instead of solving the underlying problem."	Thankfulness depressing and accompanied by a shoulder shrug
My admin friend is grateful that there are bowls of Halloween candy around the office. Though yesterday she said, and I quote, "I'm about to puke from eating Halloween candy, don't let me eat any more no matter what I say or do."	Thankfulness self-destructive
I am thankful that none of the barf-worthy insects in my cubicle have ever crawled out of something I was holding.	Thankfulness sincere
Finally, I'm thankful that I get the day after Thanksgiving off.  Nameless satanic corporation that I work for, in this one instance you are relatively decent.  I won't even bring up the fact that you have no respect for MLK Jr., Washington, Lincoln, Columbus, and all war veterans.	Thankfulness bittersweet, slightly resentful, but genuine

 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.  Enjoy your time off, and remember, the pilgrims worked way harder than you ever will.