Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Best Typo Ever

My Neverending Summer Job

According to an article in this month's Family Circle, one of the top summer jobs for teens is "Receptionist/Administrative Assistant." Thanks FC.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Git-er-dun is Gittin Old

What’s worse than Milhouse from The Simpsons screaming “Wassup!!” after it’s no longer cool? Having to listen to your coworkers spew out similar lame catchphrases like they’re going out of style. Which they did, um, five years ago. 

Lately at my office there has been an excessive use of the phrase “git-er-dun,” when implying that an item of work needs to be accomplished quickly. To make the exchange even more torturous, the second person in the conversation usually repeats “git-er-dun” back to the first person as a sort of confirmation that “yes, indeed, this must be gotten-dun.” 

Coworker 1: “ So tomorrow I’m going to call Roger and have him Fed Ex me those plans. I don’t care if his wife is having octuplets. Git-er-dun!!”
Coworker 2: “Git-er-dun!!” 

Tell me, what possible gain could there be by a catchphrase, that you’ve heard hundreds of times on television, being repeated by the loser in the next cubicle? He’s certainly not going to make it sound any better than the original. His timing will be off, his tone of voice will be all wrong, and he’ll probably use it in reference to something totally lame.  Take “Wassup!” for example. It originally aired in a beer commercial in 1999. Pretty cool. Now take a 65 year old attorney saying it as he walks into the office on a Monday morning in 2004.  Not so cool.  And yes, that actually happened. 

I kill me!

I can’t say that I’m surprised at the use of catchphrases by the same people who are in love with corporate jargon. It makes sense that somebody who enjoys the phrase “grab the low-hanging fruit” would also ask“whatchu talkin bout Willis?” when unsure of what the IT guy just told him about his printer. 

I’m just saying that before you blurt out that witty catchphrase you’ve been dying to use, ask yourself these three simple questions: 

1) Can it be found stamped on a t-shirt at Ames? 
2) Has your dad already used it? 
3) Was it originally coined by ALF? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably wise to just let it go.  For the love of God, let it go. 

Thursday, April 7, 2011

This Paperclip Isn't Going to Bend Itself

Alright everybody, just stop with the fancy corporate buzzwords. I understand that you have important “work” for me to do, and that we are under “deadlines,” and that we must practice “customer service.” Well, I’ve got something to tell you.  This paperclip isn’t going to bend itself.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  I’ve done some of your so-called “job duties,” and when I returned to my desk I found this paperclip in the exact same form in which I left it.  Two elongated loops bored out of its fucking mind.  It needs me to pry one end up and yank it over to the right, and then push the center loop all the way back like this. It needs me to test its limits. And it needs me to do it while reading The Onion.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

If this paperclip had the ability to bend itself, then I would be more than happy to get started on that 200 page Environmental Impact Report that you need “immediately.” You know I would.  It’s like I told my pen, who’s not going to click and unclick itself, “No matter what happens in life, I will always be there for you.”  That doesn’t mean that I don’t take my job seriously, it just means that I have important obligations to my friends, family, and bulk office supplies.   They rely on me just as much as you rely on me to “make sure” the president of this company gets a hotel reservation when he’s in town next week.  Which, as of right now, may or may not happen.  I mean, I went on the hotel website, but then I kind of spaced out and started bending this paperclip and...hey look! A bow-tie! What were we talking about?

Whatever, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is that before you sit me down for another lecture about “time management” and the possibility of “letting me go,” you take into consideration the helplessness of this paperclip.  And don’t even think that this has anything to do with the fact that I got hammered last night and ate six pounds of Chinese buffet for lunch today - I simply can’t, and won’t, abandon this paperclip in its time of need.

Now if you’ll please get out of my cubicle, this nap isn’t going to magically take itself.



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Asshole Car

This car has been parked like this since we had huge snow piles in the parking lot. Nobody's bothered to move it since the snow melted.

Monday, April 4, 2011


At least they realize there's a 90-100% chance we'll delete it.