Thursday, April 7, 2011

This Paperclip Isn't Going to Bend Itself

Alright everybody, just stop with the fancy corporate buzzwords. I understand that you have important “work” for me to do, and that we are under “deadlines,” and that we must practice “customer service.” Well, I’ve got something to tell you.  This paperclip isn’t going to bend itself.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  I’ve done some of your so-called “job duties,” and when I returned to my desk I found this paperclip in the exact same form in which I left it.  Two elongated loops bored out of its fucking mind.  It needs me to pry one end up and yank it over to the right, and then push the center loop all the way back like this. It needs me to test its limits. And it needs me to do it while reading The Onion.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

If this paperclip had the ability to bend itself, then I would be more than happy to get started on that 200 page Environmental Impact Report that you need “immediately.” You know I would.  It’s like I told my pen, who’s not going to click and unclick itself, “No matter what happens in life, I will always be there for you.”  That doesn’t mean that I don’t take my job seriously, it just means that I have important obligations to my friends, family, and bulk office supplies.   They rely on me just as much as you rely on me to “make sure” the president of this company gets a hotel reservation when he’s in town next week.  Which, as of right now, may or may not happen.  I mean, I went on the hotel website, but then I kind of spaced out and started bending this paperclip and...hey look! A bow-tie! What were we talking about?

Whatever, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is that before you sit me down for another lecture about “time management” and the possibility of “letting me go,” you take into consideration the helplessness of this paperclip.  And don’t even think that this has anything to do with the fact that I got hammered last night and ate six pounds of Chinese buffet for lunch today - I simply can’t, and won’t, abandon this paperclip in its time of need.

Now if you’ll please get out of my cubicle, this nap isn’t going to magically take itself.