Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
So I take you now to the best portrayal of an administrative assistant currently on television - April Ludgate from Parks & Recreation. If you are looking for a lazy, deadpan, apathetic, role model, April is your girl. To quote her boss, Ron Swanson:
“I need to find someone to fill in for April. Now I know I'm not going to find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package.”
And here’s another great conversation between April and her boss:
Ron: Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?So tune in! Season 3 of Parks & Recreation was absolutely hilarious and I can't wait for Season 4.
April: I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
Ron: Get his number?
Ron: Good girl.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
This book is a funny, quick and easy read. I read this book yesterday afternoon and I could not put it down. It took my about 2 hours to finish reading this book. I thought it was very well written with a awesome bunch of characters (some you will love and some you will hate). If you want a quick and funny chick lit then look no further.Check out reviews of other books, movies, household products, gadgets, and more at Geeky Girl Reviews
Monday, August 22, 2011
It’s for these reasons that I can’t fathom the idea of working at a call center. These rugged souls brave the office each and every day, speaking to customer after customer, and they do it all with a “please” and a “thank you” and a “sir” and a “ma’am.” I must tell you, I admire these call center employees the same way I admire people who know how to do math. They were born with something that I wasn’t. Maybe it’s patience, or empathy, or just a general desire to speak to other humans. Whatever it is, it’s commendable work. Nobody would want to call customer service and speak with me. First of all, they wouldn’t be able to hear me over the sound of my eyes rolling. Second of all, they would have to be put
|"Yes sir, A squared plus B squared equals C squared"|
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Riverstone Goods Twins Copy & Paste 2-Pack Short Sleeve Lap T-Shirts (Newborn, 7-14 Pounds)
Almost makes me want to have twins. Or, you know, cats that wear clothes.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I think that if I started a second blog it would feature pictures of sad and decrepit Burger King signs. Nine times out of ten a BK sign will be missing letters, letters will be dangling off, letters will be inexplicably too far apart, and M's will be used as W's. Today I saw this one for Free WiFi. That's cute. Unfortunately the chances that the WiFi will ever be working properly are about as good as the chances that your Whopper won't give you diarrhea.
|BK signs should always come with storm clouds|
Monday, August 15, 2011
Me at 3:30: "Oh man, it's only 3:30? I'm starving! I'm never going to make it until 5:00! 5:00 is so far away!"
Shuffles into the kitchen. Shoves 2 quarters into the vending machine. Clutches Snickers bar in paw.
Me at 3:48 after finishing Snickers bar: "Shit! It's almost 4:00! I just ruined my dinner!"
|Another of life's mysteries|
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
It’s a treadmill! It’s a desk! It’s a treadmill desk! It’s over two thousand dollars! And much to my dismay, this ridiculous looking piece of office furniture actually receives rave reviews all across the Internet.
Question: One of the best parts of an office job is that I get to sit on my ass all day. Why would I possibly want to change this?
Answer: It is important to get at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. By using The Treadmill Desk, which has absolutely no place to put a chair, you will now get 8 straight hours of exercise per day.
Question: Yes, but as a human being with physical limitations, I would probably collapse after, say, one hour.
Answer: In case of collapse, The Treadmill Desk comes equipped with a magnetic safety clip.
Question: Okay, but I’m a woman who likes to wear high heels to the office. Now what?
Answer: Just switch to unattractive brown sandals like the woman in the picture. She feels energetic already. Another popular option is wearing a dress skirt with white socks and gym sneakers. You’ve probably seen this look on women in the city racing for the train.
Question: I find it hard enough to read the closed captioning on an episode of 7th Heaven while I’m running on the treadmill at the gym. How do you expect me to get actual work done with all that up & down motion?
Answer: You are not supposed to run on The Treadmill Desk. That would be stupid. You are supposed to walk slowly, at 1 mph, for 8 hours straight. Duh.
Question: But won’t my co-workers laugh at me?
Answer: Yes. They will also be $2,000 richer than you.
Question: Can I stop for lunch?
Answer: Only if you walk by a Subway.
Question: I noticed that a mouse, keyboard, and monitor are not included. Are there any other items that are not included?
Answer: A giant fist punching you in the stomach for being such a tool is not included. However, one will be provided by the guy in the next cubicle.
It’s a win-win: You get your exercise, and I’ll laugh my ass off.
Read this and similar office humor articles at The Collared Sheep
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
- Repeatedly asked Ms. Anderson about her breast size and talked about her breasts in front of other employees.
- Slapped Anderson on her buttocks and asked the woman for oral sex several times.
- Offered the woman a recipe for "sex cake."
- Told Anderson he was installing a shower so they could shower together.
- Said he would "give her a mammogram for free" when she asked for time off to see the doctor.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Us: Hi, we'd like to add more trees and outdoor seating to your local shitty fast food restaurant.
Neighbor: If you remove the Mayor McCheese jungle gym, I'll fucking kill you.
Clearly, only crazy people like that would have a problem with it. It's a total waste of time. So what possible way could there be to make this task even more revolting? Aahhhhh yes, maybe if I sent each one in a bacon flavored envelope:
So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting envelopes licked, we’re happy to report that J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.Hey maybe it's good, I dunno. I was also reluctant to try pineapple on my pizza, and now I'm a full fledged Hawaiian pizza eating machine. But at least pineapple's, you know, made out of food. So I think I'll just stick with glue flavored envelopes.
Or, better yet, tape.
|No thanks, I'll just chew on these envelopes.|
Friday, August 5, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
lion's head and baby birds out of...of....whatever the heck that is. Mozzarella?
a) I like to enjoy a wee bit of time to myself in the evening, and
b) As a kid I remember my lunch ending up at the bottom of my backpack underneath 15 lbs of textbooks.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
If you see a product on your grocery store shelf or fast food menu and think, “That is both unhealthy and completely unnecessary,” then it’s a good bet that I’m eating it and writing about it. This website is here to provide you, the scrupulous consumer, with information about the ridiculous junk foods that come and go. I’m eating it so you don’t have to.Junk Food Betty covers everything from Jones Bacon Flavored Soda to the KFC Double Down with descriptions such as "I have never been anywhere near a rotting, decomposed, maggot-filled pig carcass, but I can imagine exactly what it smells like. And that is exactly like what Jones Bacon Flavored Soda tastes like." Poetic.
So check it out. At the very least it will ignite a hankering for some Doritos Late Night All-Nighter Cheeseburger Tortilla Chips. And who couldn't use a few of those?
Luckily my Go-Pak also came with these handy instructions so I would know that I need to "reach in to snack" rather than tip my neck back like a Pez dispenser and pour them directly into my mouth which I did previously with a Go-Pak of Nutter Butters. Technical writers, I commend you.