Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Treadmill Desk

It’s a treadmill! It’s a desk! It’s a treadmill desk! It’s over two thousand dollars! And much to my dismay, this ridiculous looking piece of office furniture actually receives rave reviews all across the Internet. 

It’s like nobody has realized they should be making fun of it. To remedy the situation, I’ve made up (and then answered myself) some very informative Treadmill Desk Q&A’s:
Question: One of the best parts of an office job is that I get to sit on my ass all day. Why would I possibly want to change this? 
Answer: It is important to get at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. By using The Treadmill Desk, which has absolutely no place to put a chair, you will now get 8 straight hours of exercise per day. 
Question: Yes, but as a human being with physical limitations, I would probably collapse after, say, one hour. 
Answer: In case of collapse, The Treadmill Desk comes equipped with a magnetic safety clip. 
Question: Okay, but I’m a woman who likes to wear high heels to the office. Now what? 
Answer: Just switch to unattractive brown sandals like the woman in the picture. She feels energetic already. Another popular option is wearing a dress skirt with white socks and gym sneakers. You’ve probably seen this look on women in the city racing for the train.  
Question: I find it hard enough to read the closed captioning on an episode of 7th Heaven while I’m running on the treadmill at the gym. How do you expect me to get actual work done with all that up & down motion? 
Answer: You are not supposed to run on The Treadmill Desk. That would be stupid. You are supposed to walk slowly, at 1 mph, for 8 hours straight. Duh. 
Question: But won’t my co-workers laugh at me? 
Answer: Yes. They will also be $2,000 richer than you. 
Question: Can I stop for lunch? 
Answer: Only if you walk by a Subway. 
Question: I noticed that a mouse, keyboard, and monitor are not included. Are there any other items that are not included? 
Answer: A giant fist punching you in the stomach for being such a tool is not included. However, one will be provided by the guy in the next cubicle. 

I could go on and on. But I suppose if you’re that interested in getting exercise, who am I and my unused gym membership to judge? In fact, I encourage all employees to spend their hard earned cash on one of these as soon as possible.

It’s a win-win: You get your exercise, and I’ll laugh my ass off.