Friday, July 17, 2015


I have hair issues.  They go back to 7th grade when I brushed and blow dried my perm every morning until it looked something like this:

While my perm days are behind me (physically behind me...emotionally, they're here to stay), the fact that there is still hair on my head means that my troubles are far from over.  My hair is neither straight nor curly.  I have a widow's peak.  I have bangs that exist to hide my widow's peak.  My neither straight nor curly hair frizzes and curls to 3 times its normal size the second that it interacts with rain, drizzle, fog, the beach, water rides, the splash zone at Sea World, misting booths, or children with water guns. 

If you come near with me with a Super Soaker, I will punch you.

I can't wear a hat in wet or humid weather because:

A) I would look like this:

B) Once a hat goes on my head, it's there to stay. You can't mash a bunch of sweaty bangs down under a hat all day and then take it off in order to pose for - oh, let's say, your UMass freshman ID card - and expect to look fantastic.  No, you come out looking a little something like this:

The reason I'm on this subject is because I'm heading to Orlando in August, and am planning how I'm going to handle eight days worth of frizzy hair/curly bangs hell.  Last night I tried embracing the widow's peak by pulling my bangs back with hairpins.  I'd spent some time online reading people's opinions about how beautiful and unique they are.  Just look at Fran Drescher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Kourtney Kardashian!  Yes!  I too can be a beautiful widow's peak person!

I came out of the bathroom and my 5 year old son said, "Is that how you're going to look on vacation?" 

Hairpins out.

Plan B is one of these cordless, rechargeable, mini flat irons that I can whip out in the Magic Kingdom ladies' room after either one trip down Splash Mountain, or one rain shower.  The battery charge won't last long enough for both. 

I know I sound very superficial, and it's just hair, and who really cares.  But come on.  We're talking about curly bangs here.

Curly. Bangs. 

No thank you.

If a genie granted me three wishes they would be

1) Make there be an Earl of Sandwich in Central Massachusetts.

2) Make my cats stop throwing up.

3) Make my hairline straight so I can pull it back without looking like Count Chocula.

When I think of all the time I've wasted worrying about my hair, and then I think of all the bald men out there laughing their asses off as they run in slow motion through waterfalls (that's what they do, right?), I could cry.

But I can't cry.  The tears would do a number on my hair.

Friday, October 10, 2014

If Spongebob Worked In An Office (ok, my office)

When you've been bored out of your mind for the past six hours, with nobody even asking you for so much as a photocopy, and are approached at 4:55 p.m. with something that needs to be done immediately:

When somebody is coughing and sneezing and really should just go the hell home already:

When the email comes in that _____________ (insert name from above), will be out sick today:

When you've spent the past three hours copying and pasting text from a PDF into a Word document and fixing all the words that came over like this:  I !0\/e My j0b..`\  And you are finally finished:

Only to have them tell you, "Never mind, we didn't actually need that."

And then later, when the initial rage has passed and you realize that yes, this is really your career:

When you've worked here for 10 years and somebody asks you, in all seriousness, if you know how to fax/fed ex/scan something:

The few seconds after someone with an absolutely ridiculous name calls in and you're debating how in the hell you're going to announce it over the PA system:

And that moment when you realize it's 5:00 on a Friday (even if we don't get Columbus Day off):

See ya. 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Tikker Life Countdown Watch

As if it's not bad enough wasting 8 hours a day sitting in a cubicle, imagine doing it with one of these babies from Sky Mall strapped to your wrist:

Terrific!  Sure it's good to live life and make the most of the time that we have - I just don't think having the equivalent of a bandana-wearing-twenty-three-year-old-backpacker constantly shouting"YOLO!" in my face is the best way to go about it.  Also, I can't see that it's good to, like, constantly think about the minutes of your life ticking away.  They make medication for that kind of behavior.  And I mean, if you're getting shit done just so you can cross it off a list before you croak, and you're less than ninety-two years old and not in possession of a terminal illness, that's pretty morbid.  Imagine the anxiety. 

Imagine doing the dishes or the laundry with one of these things on?  I'm not talking about getting it wet either.  I'm talking about the thoughts that it will cause to run through your head: 


This watch might actually make you kill yourself.  The funny thing is that the free spirits taking selfies in front of Big Ben aren't wearing this damn thing.  No it's going to be on the wrist of some sap trapped in a cubicle.  Because if the sap trapped in his cubicle had the means and the freedom to do all of that YOLO kind of crap, he would already be doing it.  Trust me, we would all be doing it.

And maybe one should get shit done because it feels good to get shit done, and not because one is in a weirdo, self-inflicted, anxiety-inducing, race against the clock. You will literally have a clock. On your wrist. Calculating when you're going to die.

That sounds fun.

Can't wait til Christmas, Sky Mall.  Hope you've got a good return policy.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

And you thought swimsuit season was rough...

Well it’s almost that time of year again - time for the stores to start selling skimpy, role-playing, lingerie outfits under the guise of being Halloween costumes. Time to tack the word sexy in front of even the most un-sexy of concepts in order to sell shitty costumes to women with low self-esteem: Sexy Ice Cream Truck Driver, Sexy Big Bird, and my personal favorite of the day, Sexy Ursula:

I’m sorry, Sassy Ursula. Now, in case you forgot, here is what Ursula actually looks like:

Ursula, according to Wikipedia, is an “obese, lavender-skinned, white-haired female human with a facial mole, but from the waist down she has six black tentacles."

Well I’ll be. I always said that if ever there was a character destined to become a slutted-up Halloween costume, it was Ursula the half human/half octopus sea witch from the Little Mermaid. No doubt.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should all dress up like this:

Or this:

Even though those are totally lovely costumes.  And okay fine, this one isn’t too terrible, aside from the poor choice of shoes.  You're a Ninja Turtle for Christ sake, save the black pumps for the Naughty Secretaries.  A thigh-high brown suede boot would have been a better choice:

But then we have the likes of this:

And this:

Googling the words “sexy Halloween costume” simply takes you to lingerie sites that have slapped a “halloween” tag onto all of their usual inventory. The above picture I found on a site called “Forplay."  Cute.  Nothing says Halloween party like bobbing for apples and gratuitous nipple exposure.

I also found this:

Notice the clever placement of the trident.  I'm willing to bet this little number is available in crotchless.

Look, I know I'm 35 years old, live in the suburbs, and on Halloween night wear a black Columbia fleece and a pair of Sketchers that I've had since, literally, 1997.  But where in bloody hell are other people wearing these costumes?  If you count up all the websites selling these things, there have got to be millions of these costumes taking up space on planet Earth, all in those cheap plastic bags with the snaps.  But there can't possibly be that big of a market for them. I've been to Halloween parties, even when I was younger, and people just don't show up in this shit.  Frat parties?  Probably.  Smart idea, by the way.  Beverly Hills?  Yeah I can see that.  That gross older couple down the street who you've always suspected were swingers?  Most likely.

Anyway, moving on to my next point.  Why do women’s Halloween costumes MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE?

Take this one:

Your classic Sexy Eskimo.  A total idiot.  You know what keeps you warm in the North Pole, ladies? Pants. And not being in a perpetual state of about to suggestively lick a popsicle.  Want to see a man's eskimo costume?  Here:

He's holding a dead fish.  And he's covered head to toe like, you know, he has a brain. Let's try this again.  Women's firefighter costume:

Looks like it's got a good thermal layer.  Those fishnets should hold up well in the event of a backdraft.  And here we have a man's firefighter costume:

Ah, what does it matter.  I have one child and he's a boy.  Speaking of him, a few years ago he dressed up like Nemo.  You know, the fish with one big fin and one small fin, and a tail and all that.  

Oh, yes, here it is:

Crap, that's not right. 

Anyway.  Here's a woman's Luigi costume:

And a man's:

Sigh.   Granted, not many women would want to go out in public wearing those overalls, but how does that translate to Luigi donning a pair of thigh-high white stockings?  This is what he thinks of that:

Me too, Luigi.  Me too.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Mama Watch This

Dear Children Ages 4-6:

Below please find a guide to when it is appropriate, and when it is not appropriate, to yell "Mama, Watch This!"

1.  Mama, watch this!  I can hit a balloon into the air.

Not appropriate.  

2.  Mama, watch this!  I solved the Rubik's Cube!


3.  Mama, watch this!  I can waddle like a duck.

Not appropriate.  Seriously, I'm trying to do the dishes.

4.  Mama, watch this!  I'm juggling the cats.

Appropriate.  Now let me try.

5.  Mama, watch this!  I can slowly turn around in a circle.

Not appropriate.  There is no way I'm stopping what I'm doing to watch that.

6.  Mama, watch this!  I can look up at the ceiling.

Not appropriate.  Come on.  Why is that even a thing?

7.  Mama, watch this!  I contacted Grandma's ghost using the Ouija board.

Not appropriate.

8.  Mama, watch this!  I'm on the roof!

Appropriate.   And I probably should have been watching you earlier.

9.  Mama, watch this!  I'm clapping my hands.

Not appropriate.   What are you, an infant?

10.  Mama, watch this!  I'm reading your blog posts.


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Study Reveals That Yes, This Is What It's All About, Sorry

A ten year study, conducted by a local administrative assistant, has concluded that yes, this is what life is all about.  Filing and typing and answering the telephone.  This is as good as it's going to get for you.  Sorry.

The administrative assistant in charge of the study followed her own career over the course of a ten year period, making detailed case notes on social media such as "Can't they order their own fucking sandwiches?" and "WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? #cubiclessuck".  The administrative assistant dedicated every waking moment of her life to the study, except for weekends when she completely forgot that the study existed.  But then Monday came along and goddammit, the study started again.

While initial findings and inspirational Facebook memes indicated that there was still a sliver of hope, by the end of the ten year period it was clear that no, this is pretty much it.  Printing labels and sticking them onto file folders one hundred times in a row is the reason that you were given the gift of life and born into this world, so you'd better just get used to it.

As a control group, the administrative assistant studied the careers of several friends who did not enter into the field of administrative support.  Such friends include Lisa, who thinks she's special just because she became a lawyer, Mark, who thinks he's cool just because he became a player for the NBA, and Tara who thinks she's hot shit because she plays the violin for an orchestra in Vienna.


Preliminary results indicated that you shouldn't have even bothered going to college, while by the end of the ten year period it was confirmed that yes, college was a total waste of your parent's money.  Further research also found that when you want something, all of the universe conspires in helping you achieve it, except in your case.  Just forget it.  I mean, it's been ten years. 

Complete results of the study may be found on the administrative assistant's Facebook newsfeed, Blogger page, and within several thousand emails to her administrative coworkers who used to be content in their careers but have since concluded that shit, she's right. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

How We're Celebrating Independence Day Week At The Office

*Complete financial dependence on corporation.

*Timesheets due July 3rd.

*Halfhearted "Happy Fourth!" to jerkoffs leaving office at 2:00 p.m. on July 2nd.

*Contemplating alternate world where United States never gained independence from England, and how fulfilling and cool our alternate British careers probably would have been.

*Increase in white paper, red and blue pen use.

*Delighting coworkers by performing Stars & Stripes Forever cymbal crashes at random moments throughout week.

*Hot dog eating contest alone in car, just like last Wednesday.

*Setting off Roman Candle.  Somewhere.  You'll see.