Saturday, February 22, 2014

Lessons Learned from a Day at the Mall

I will never have so many children that my family needs to form a human chain while walking through Macy's.

If there is one thing I enjoy less than other people's children, it is other children's parents.  I have a pretty strong aversion to Mom Voice:
"Do you think that was a good choice that you made? We need to absolutely make a better choice next time."  
God.  You know what really wasn't a good choice?  Saying those fucking words.  Maybe the fact that I don't have a Mom Voice is why my kid doesn't listen to half the stuff I say.  Whatever.  Totally worth it. 

If I am ever invited out by a pack of moms whose day will at some point include carrying around fifteen American Girl shopping bags, you guys can just go on without me.

If I ever have a 12 year old daughter, she will most definitely not wear her cheerleading half shirt in public.  Especially when public includes the guy with this mustache who works at the Lego store:

If my butt ever increases tenfold, I will not wear horizontally striped stretch pants. Let's just go ahead and say that I will never wear horizontally striped stretch pants under any circumstances.  That's a promise we can all feel good about.

I will not be caught dead pushing a double decker fire engine rental stroller.  As if the supermarket ones weren't clunky enough, just try fitting one of these into any store other than Sears.  Oh wait, that's the only store you're going into anyway. 

Listen up old ladies.  There are plenty of stores for older women who want to dress stylishly:  Ann Taylor, Talbots, Macy's.  Here are some stores you should not shop at:  Wet Seal, Forever 21, BeBe, that kiosk with the hair extensions.  I tell you this because I too will be an old lady someday, and I don't want to be the cause of any young man jumping out of his skin when the backside he's been checking out turns around and has my 80 year old face attached to it.  

Monday, February 17, 2014

Cozy Coupe Carts

Once you have kids, there are a few things that you wish had never been invented:  

1)  Stuffed animal claw machines
2)  Food with cartoon characters on it
3)  Arcades
4)  Drugs
5)  These: 

The above is an average sized one from the grocery store, which is bad enough.  Over at Lowes they have these seven foot long blue race cars that weigh about 400 lbs empty, never mind after you load it with your child, chainsaws, sledgehammers and whatever else I think people buy at home improvement stores.  God help anybody that gets in your way when you're navigating around corners - it's like you're steering the back end of a fire engine.

I have occasionally pushed my son around in one of these at Stop & Shop, and I have occasionally ended up jammed in the checkout lane.  Seriously, THEY DON'T FIT THRU THE CHECKOUT LANE.

This was me:

"Oh you just have to back it in," said the cashier after I was already hopelessly fucking stuck.  Thanks for the tip.  I basically destroyed the gum and candy rack, as well as a display of beef jerky, trying to unjam myself.  Finally I backed it in.  Okay, now what?  Frontwards or backwards, I'm still trapped at the back of the cart and can't reach my groceries because there's a CHILD'S OUTDOOR TOY CAR blocking access to the front.  Am I going to need to ask my kid to get out of the Coupe, climb up onto the roof, and hand me each item?  Is that what they want me to do? 

I obviously can't reach the stuff by squeezing around the sides, because to do that I would need to have the body mass of a paper doll.  Do we not live in a society where half of the population is obese?  What are all the other mothers doing?  Maybe I'm doing something wrong.  Maybe there's an Eject button that I don't know about, and you press it and the Cozy Coupe detaches and your kid just drives away and meets you out in the parking lot.  Otherwise, I just don't understand it.  

Does anyone else detest these things as much as I do? 

Friday, February 14, 2014

How We're Celebrating Valentine's Day At The Office

1.  Romantic working lunch for seven.

2.  Leaving pair of pink furry handcuffs for each of the secretaries.

3.  Hating anybody who gets flowers delivered.

4.  Checking if flower delivery guy has plans for tonight. 

5. Serving up a bowl of Corporate Jargon Conversation Hearts.

6.  Waiting on top of photocopier with long-stemmed rose between our teeth. 

7.  Waiting in backseat of office crush's car with box of chocolates and ski mask. 

8.  Consoling best friend in ladies room. 

9.  Wearing this to staff meeting:

Under this:

10.  Signing off all emails with excerpt from Gustave Flaubert's 1846 love letter to his wife:

I will cover you with love when next I see you, 
with caresses, with ecstasy.
I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, 
so that you faint and die.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Advertising Awfulness

Thanks to both my Friday night viewing of Pretty Woman on the Oxygen channel, and the approach of Valentine's Day, I've been overwhelmed by some seriously annoying women-centered advertisements lately.

"I always eat it all…just not all at once" says the voiceover.  So here we have this skinny woman eating what I imagine to be a mustard and lettuce sandwich alongside her 32 oz cup of Crystal Light.  After giving it a few seconds of thought - IF I DON'T EAT MORE I'M GOING TO PASS OUT IN FRONT OF THIS FOOD TRUCK - she closes the lid and decides to take the second half home for later.  Seriously?  The sandwich wasn't even that big, never mind that there weren't any chips or fries or pickles anywhere to be seen.  So we're teaching women to feel guilty if the don't split a 300 calorie sandwich between two meals?  I'm not Bob Harper or anything, but I don't think this is healthy advice even if you are 700 lbs.  AND THIS WOMAN ISN'T EVEN REMOTELY FAT.  Thanks Crystal Light.  I bet that giant glass of aspartame that you're encouraging us to sip on all afternoon is way healthier than a few extra slices of turkey.  #Tinywin!

"My routine?  Gym.  Coffee.  HauteLook."   Fuck off.  You want to know my routine?  It involves going to work.  You know, that mysterious place your husband goes to while you're sitting around in yoga pants ordering crap off the Internet?  Who would produce this commercial and not think for a minute "Hey, this might fill people with blinding rage."  It's not like this is what this woman does on a Sunday.  No, it's EVERYDAY.  It's her ROUTINE.  Monday was full of "must haves" and Tuesday was about "changing up his look."  God your husband must hate you.  "I know that my day hasn't really started until I've gone to HauteLook."  YES, THAT'S CALLED A SHOPPING ADDICTION.  You're filling your house up with stuff in order to fill some void in your life.  You know it, I know it, the UPS guy knows it.  And what exactly do you do with the rest of your day, once you've exhausted HauteLook?  Volunteer at the nursing home wiping old people's butts?  Or head on over to Amazon?  I thought so.

Then there was this cute little Pandora ad:

"You love that he loves you.  Now love what he gives you." 

Can't wait to see what he gives you when he figures out a Pandora bracelet, plus fourteen charms, will run him close to $800.