Monday, February 3, 2014

Advertising Awfulness

Thanks to both my Friday night viewing of Pretty Woman on the Oxygen channel, and the approach of Valentine's Day, I've been overwhelmed by some seriously annoying women-centered advertisements lately.

"I always eat it all…just not all at once" says the voiceover.  So here we have this skinny woman eating what I imagine to be a mustard and lettuce sandwich alongside her 32 oz cup of Crystal Light.  After giving it a few seconds of thought - IF I DON'T EAT MORE I'M GOING TO PASS OUT IN FRONT OF THIS FOOD TRUCK - she closes the lid and decides to take the second half home for later.  Seriously?  The sandwich wasn't even that big, never mind that there weren't any chips or fries or pickles anywhere to be seen.  So we're teaching women to feel guilty if the don't split a 300 calorie sandwich between two meals?  I'm not Bob Harper or anything, but I don't think this is healthy advice even if you are 700 lbs.  AND THIS WOMAN ISN'T EVEN REMOTELY FAT.  Thanks Crystal Light.  I bet that giant glass of aspartame that you're encouraging us to sip on all afternoon is way healthier than a few extra slices of turkey.  #Tinywin!

"My routine?  Gym.  Coffee.  HauteLook."   Fuck off.  You want to know my routine?  It involves going to work.  You know, that mysterious place your husband goes to while you're sitting around in yoga pants ordering crap off the Internet?  Who would produce this commercial and not think for a minute "Hey, this might fill people with blinding rage."  It's not like this is what this woman does on a Sunday.  No, it's EVERYDAY.  It's her ROUTINE.  Monday was full of "must haves" and Tuesday was about "changing up his look."  God your husband must hate you.  "I know that my day hasn't really started until I've gone to HauteLook."  YES, THAT'S CALLED A SHOPPING ADDICTION.  You're filling your house up with stuff in order to fill some void in your life.  You know it, I know it, the UPS guy knows it.  And what exactly do you do with the rest of your day, once you've exhausted HauteLook?  Volunteer at the nursing home wiping old people's butts?  Or head on over to Amazon?  I thought so.

Then there was this cute little Pandora ad:

"You love that he loves you.  Now love what he gives you." 

Can't wait to see what he gives you when he figures out a Pandora bracelet, plus fourteen charms, will run him close to $800.