Saturday, February 22, 2014

Lessons Learned from a Day at the Mall

I will never have so many children that my family needs to form a human chain while walking through Macy's.

If there is one thing I enjoy less than other people's children, it is other children's parents.  I have a pretty strong aversion to Mom Voice:
"Do you think that was a good choice that you made? We need to absolutely make a better choice next time."  
God.  You know what really wasn't a good choice?  Saying those fucking words.  Maybe the fact that I don't have a Mom Voice is why my kid doesn't listen to half the stuff I say.  Whatever.  Totally worth it. 

If I am ever invited out by a pack of moms whose day will at some point include carrying around fifteen American Girl shopping bags, you guys can just go on without me.

If I ever have a 12 year old daughter, she will most definitely not wear her cheerleading half shirt in public.  Especially when public includes the guy with this mustache who works at the Lego store:

If my butt ever increases tenfold, I will not wear horizontally striped stretch pants. Let's just go ahead and say that I will never wear horizontally striped stretch pants under any circumstances.  That's a promise we can all feel good about.

I will not be caught dead pushing a double decker fire engine rental stroller.  As if the supermarket ones weren't clunky enough, just try fitting one of these into any store other than Sears.  Oh wait, that's the only store you're going into anyway. 

Listen up old ladies.  There are plenty of stores for older women who want to dress stylishly:  Ann Taylor, Talbots, Macy's.  Here are some stores you should not shop at:  Wet Seal, Forever 21, BeBe, that kiosk with the hair extensions.  I tell you this because I too will be an old lady someday, and I don't want to be the cause of any young man jumping out of his skin when the backside he's been checking out turns around and has my 80 year old face attached to it.