Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Free Caffeine

Look, free coffee this week!  So when you go through the drive-thru, do you just blow past the first window where you would normally pay?  Or do you stop, wait for the cashier to acknowledge that you're a cheap s.o.b., and then pull up? Maybe it's safer to just go inside.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Boss’s Voice The Absolute Worst, Study Shows

I just noticed this post still sitting in my "Scheduled" folder from May 2011....way to go Blogger.  So here you have it, 16 months later.


A 2011 double-blind study, conducted by pretty much everybody that has ever worked with you, confirmed that the sound of your voice is, without any margin of error, the absolute worst. While initial results suggested that your voice was somewhat grating on Monday, moderately frustrating on Tuesday through Thursday, vomit-worthy on Friday, and mocked incessantly over beers on Saturday and Sunday, further analysis has concluded that, for real, you should just stop talking. 

Research Method 

The control group, who enjoyed listening to a voice other than yours, continued to live in blissful ignorance of your existence and displayed no desire to bring brass knuckles into the workplace. The experimental group, on the other hand, was subjected to a horrifying, and just plain gross, sequence of longitudinal waves (your voice) that caused auditory discomfort and regular Sunday night sobbing sessions (particularly when the longitudinal waves claimed that they asked for that status report a week ago when all of the test subjects knew damn well that never happened). 


“An experiment such as this is invaluable to society,” says lead researcher, Vladamir Borscht. “Now, when Boss’s Cell shows up on caller ID, we have the scientific evidence we need to just not fucking answer it.” 

Further studies are needed to determine whether the mere sound of you breathing is enough to kill somebody.

I'm going to need you to work through lunch

Another Sad Day for the Burger King Sign

Saturday, September 15, 2012

DIY Fall Frames

Well here they are!

They came out even better than I expected.  I almost bought some cheap sticker letters, but then I saw these wood ones and am so glad I did.  I painted them black, glued them to some scapbook paper, took the glass out of the frames, and that was it.  I also have an "L" last name so I can even keep the L ones out year round.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

When Ordering Sandwiches For Your Boss Isn't Fulfilling Enough

Before I had a kid I used to do a lot of scrapbooking.  This was back when I could spend an entire Sunday watching Lifetime movies with a cup of coffee, a glue stick, and a package of stickers that said cool things like "Ho Ho Ho!"  Ironically, now that I have a child whose face could potentially fill 14,000 pages of scrapbooks, I've stopped completely.  I mostly stopped because I no longer had the time.  But I also stopped because while scrapbooks are nice, they usually end up in a box somewhere, never to be looked at again.

But I have a house.  Now I have walls and tables that need to be decorated.  And probably much to my husband's chagrin, the arts & crafter in me lives on.  Don't worry, I won't start knitting sweaters for the lamps or anything like that.  But I did feel that old spark of creative glee when I decided to put together this vintage family photo display a few months ago:

You see, when you work as a secretary the most creative thing that you do all day is locate an address on a Google map.  Sometimes you get to put the word "DRAFT" onto a Word document in block letters.  So you often forget what it feels like to actually enjoy doing something.  Sometimes I get that feeling after I write something that I think is good (so, like, once every four years).  Or sometimes I get it when I'm playing the piano (once every ten years, usually at Christmas).  And I definitely used to get it when wandering the aisles of the craft store.  It's a great feeling - like you just drank four cups of coffee, only you don't have to pee.

And so, long story short, I recently started searching Pinterest for Fall craft ideas (although some would advise against it).   You could spend your entire lifetime just clicking through Martha Stewart projects.  Then, after you die, you would need to have your head cryogenically frozen and re-attached to a robot with pinking shears for hands in order to complete them all.  Anyway, I love this staircase silhouette, though it's way too creepy to have in my own house:

Since I don't want to traumatize my three year old the next time he heads upstairs for a bath, I will instead start with these cute Fall frames from A Diamond in the Stuff:

I will let you know how it turns out.  And if I do start knitting sweaters for the lamps, you can catch me on the next episode of Divorce Court. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Sevvy Hounds

Ah, if only that could explain away all the annoying behavior going on at my office, I would feel a lot better about the human race.  If I could be certain that guy was only microwaving haddock filets for the purpose of obtaining sevvy, well then, I take back everything I said about him deserving to be run through by a swordfish.  Perhaps him, and the woman who pees all over the seat in the ladies room, just have more guts than I do.  Maybe six months from now they'll be home collecting their sevvy, having the last laugh, while I'm stuck here in this non-fish smelling, urine-free, hell-hole. 


If you want to check out some folks who are doing this kind of thing for real (and by "for real" I mean "in a fictional internet mini series") check out Sevvy Hounds - a comedy web series about using company layoffs to your advantage. Because for some people, getting laid off is the only chance they have of getting out of the corporate world that they've grown to hate.  For some people, "your job is safe" is the last thing that they want to hear.

Watch Episode 1 below, and the rest of them here on Sevvy Hounds' YouTube channel.

They've even added a bonus epilogue episode to top off Season 1.  So if you find that you've finished all the episodes and it's still only 3:30 p.m., no need to worry.