A 2011 double-blind study, conducted by pretty much everybody that has ever worked with you, confirmed that the sound of your voice is, without any margin of error, the absolute worst. While initial results suggested that your voice was somewhat grating on Monday, moderately frustrating on Tuesday through Thursday, vomit-worthy on Friday, and mocked incessantly over beers on Saturday and Sunday, further analysis has concluded that, for real, you should just stop talking.
The control group, who enjoyed listening to a voice other than yours, continued to live in blissful ignorance of your existence and displayed no desire to bring brass knuckles into the workplace. The experimental group, on the other hand, was subjected to a horrifying, and just plain gross, sequence of longitudinal waves (your voice) that caused auditory discomfort and regular Sunday night sobbing sessions (particularly when the longitudinal waves claimed that they asked for that status report a week ago when all of the test subjects knew damn well that never happened).
“An experiment such as this is invaluable to society,” says lead researcher, Vladamir Borscht. “Now, when Boss’s Cell shows up on caller ID, we have the scientific evidence we need to just not fucking answer it.”
Further studies are needed to determine whether the mere sound of you breathing is enough to kill somebody.
|I'm going to need you to work through lunch|