Wednesday, October 30, 2013

How We're Celebrating Halloween At The Office

1.  Switching to an orange highlighter.
2.  Imagining each of our coworkers dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
3.  Wearing the black cardigan that eternally hangs from the back of our chair.
4.  Abandoning giant bag of Necco Waifers in the break room.
5.  Listening to Thriller until asked to stop.
6.  Coughing from flu virus.
7.  Egging boss's house on our lunch break.
8.  Bringing glow sticks to status meeting.
9.  Changing ringtone to Monster Mash before setting it to vibrate.
10. Leaving early.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Classroom Notifications

One of the worst things about preschool is receiving the dreaded Classroom Notification email.  These emails never notify you about anything good.  It's never "Surprise! We're keeping the kids for the weekend plus here's a coupon to Mohegan Sun!"  Usually it's about an outbreak of lice, foot & mouth disease, or conjunctivitis.  This past week I received one for a confirmed case of Fifth Disease.

Fifth Disease?  Anyone ever heard of this? I hadn't, so I consulted Wikipedia which said:  The name derives from its historical classification as the fifth of the classical childhood skin rashes (preceded by Measles, Scarlet Fever, Rubella, and Duke's Disease).  I can picture it now:

Scientist #1:  Well fellas, we've got another case of that mysterious rash.  I think it's time that we gave it a name.

Scientist #2:  Where's Duke?  He always comes up with the best names.  Well, except for Duke's Disease, he kind of just mailed that one in.

Scientist #1:  Shit, Duke's out sick today with Rubella. Now what?

Scientist #2:   I dunno.  How 'bout we call it Fifth Disease, since it's like the fifth one on the list.

Scientist #1:  You have a brilliant mind!   

According to Wikipedia, the disease is also referred to as slapped cheek syndrome, slapcheek, slap face or slapped face. There is a disease referred to as SLAP FACE?  Now the idiotic disease name makes a bit more sense, because clearly the scientists were these guys:

Slap Face.  As my son would say, "Real??"  Yes, real.  There is a chance we will have to take you to the doctor for a case of Slap Face.  Then, I think, I will get questioned by someone from Child Protective Services.  I can't wait for next week's notification about a confirmed case of Rotavirus - also referred to as Stinky Butt Syndrome, Poop Butt, Poopy Buttcheeks, and Stinkbum.

It's going to be a long winter. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Pinterest is the Devil

A lot of my son's preschool friends are having birthday parties at those places that are filled with bouncy castles.  If you don't already know what that is, I don't really know how else to describe it.  I mean, it's a big room and it's filled with bouncy castles and parents stand around awkwardly in their socks trying to make small talk with other parents.  And I think they might have Wi-Fi.  Anyway, we considered having my son's party there this year, but since we are also going to Disney World we decided to just have an at-home family party instead.  Of course this morning he asks me if we're going to the bouncy place for his birthday.
Me:  "Not this time, buddy.  We're having your party at home because we're going to Disney World."
Him:   "And because that's going to be more fun than the bouncy place?"
Shit, I hope so.  I mean, you can bounce all day for about eleven bucks.  Maybe we should have discussed this before we booked the big fancy trip.

But anyway...we're having the party at home.  And in the spirit of our fun but apparently not as fun as a bouncy castle place vacation, I decided to do a Disney theme.  At first I wanted to do a Classic Mickey Mouse theme - red, black & white.  You know, this guy:

I figured I could find some decorations to buy online and then get some red and black plates & napkins.  Done and done.  But do you know what actually happens in the year 2013 when you Google the phrase "classic mickey mouse party"?  Fucking Pinterest happens.

Things started out bad:

Cupcakes with bows and Oreo cookies on sticks with at least five removable parts.  Is it even fun to eat an Oreo cookie off a stick? It seems like it would immediately crumble and fall on the floor. 

Then things got even worse.  Now we're talking homemade subway signs.  Homemade bottle labels.  HOMEMADE STRAWS.  I'm not sure what's going on in that bottom righthand picture, there seems to be a can of Coke and some Redi Whip.  Probably a special "signature" drink.  These types of parties always have a signature drink. 

And worse:

Exactly how many sets of lollipop molds do I need to invest in for this party?  Is that even a thing?  I take solace in the fact that every kid leaving this party is in for a boatload of cavities. 

And worse still:

Now they're bringing mason jars into it.  Totally uncalled for.  Never mind that I'll need to get out some sort of drill in order to make the straw holes.  You may as well ask me to make corn on the cob in the middle of the afternoon. 

Then there's the popcorn buffet, because to throw a party like this you need to have invited at least 350 people:

I'm not sure why Goofy is pulling an American Pie on that bowl of caramel corn.  Pull yourself together, man.  This is a children's party.  Of course there are also take away bags for the popcorn with three different stickers to hold it shut:

Don't get me wrong, all of these parties are gorgeous and I would love to do them if I had unlimited time and money.  I obviously write all of this out of total and complete jealousy. But I'd also love to be able to buy some of this stuff from Party Express if it were an option.  It's not an option.  If you want to do any of this you have to craft it yourself.  Or you have to hire someone to craft it for you and spend the equivalent of a small Bar Mitzvah.  Unfortunately, most of us can't do either of those things. Yet Pinterest bombards us with these pictures of what a "good" Mickey Mouse party should look like. It used to be that we only saw these pictures in magazines, and we knew that real people weren't actually doing it.  But with Pinterest, we start to think it's the norm. 

Fortunately for my family, what was an option at Party Express was this 8 pack of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cups (or "goblets," if you will):

And these bags of chips from Stop & Shop:

And these favor bags with a star on them from Target:

The only signature drink that we will be having is a packet of grape Kool-Aid that my son is super excited about.  I think it will be okay.  And if not, who cares? We're going to Disney World.