Friday, September 20, 2013

Ridiculous Food Art

When I titled this post "Ridiculous Food Art" I didn't mean it like "Woah, that food art's ridiculously awesome!"  I meant it like "That food art's ridiculously stupid."  I found the article in the October issue of Parents Magazine while eating breakfast one morning (having just served my son a peanut butter sandwich with a side of grapes).  The tagline read:

 Turn simple ingredients and techniques into adorable meals that will wow your picky eater. Here's your permission to play!

Hey Parents Magazine, I know you want us moms to really live it up and go nuts, but if you think carving flower petals out of cucumber skins is our idea of "playing," you can take a flying leap out of the parenting magazine business.    

Here's idiotic food creation #1:

My first reaction is - when did my kid go on Weight Watchers?  A few carrot sticks, half a hard boiled egg, a leaf, a few scraps of cheeses?  It's not even supposed to be a snack - this is supposed to be a meal.  And, according to the article, this "meal" has 197 calories.  I found recipes with similar calorie counts on a website called "3 Fat Chicks."  But whatever, that part's secondary.  My main annoyance is that I should stand there in the kitchen pissing away twenty minutes crafting this thing to a) present it to a 3 year old, and b) present it not only to a 3 year old, but present it to a 3 year old who will immediately disassemble it.  

Here's idiotic food creation #2:

This is one of my favorites because it involves having to make corn on the cob.  Not only will I have to make corn on the cob in the middle of the afternoon, but I will have to make corn on the cob just so I can slice off two small pieces.  Then I also have to make an omelette.  I bet those paper thin carrot slices and dry bits of pita bread are real filling.  My son totally won't be looking for snacks after this meal is over.  

Idiotic food creation #3:

Now we're back into Weight Watchers territory.  31 calories!  Nice.  Your toddler will have that coveted thigh gap in no time.  And what kid wouldn't want to be presented with a plate full of grass from the backyard? Those are actually chives there under the mushrooms.  Have you ever eaten a pile of chives?  No?  THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD MY KID?  They could have at least fashioned a little pool for the ladybugs out of ranch dressing. Jesus.  So let's see what my kid would eat here - okay, hang on a minute, carry the two....NOTHING.  The person that wrote this article seems to have forgotten that these were all intended for A PICKY EATER.  Guess what?  A picky eater would eat absolutely nothing from this dish, unless the yellow spots on the ladybugs are made out of mini M&M's.  But something tells me they're made out of quinoa or lentil beans or something equally revolting.

Idiotic food creation #4:

This is where my growing toddler eats a meal consisting of 16 Cheerios.   I won't even pretend to know how they carved that grass out of a cucumber peel, or whose kid actually eats cucumber peel.

And last, but not least, idiotic food creation #5:

The worst part of this one is the link below it that says "Our juggling monkey would be perfect for a birthday party with a circus theme."  OH REALLY.  Am I supposed to make ten of these for all his friends? Why are they even here for breakfast? Are they sleeping over?  Fuck that.  You know what kids actually want for breakfast?  Chocolate chip pancakes.  Or munchkins.  Especially if it's their birthday.  God, this thing is like a punishment.  "Here's a plate full of weird smelling cheeses and raw red peppers....we love you buddy!"  

In conclusion, I will never make any of these things ever.  When I was little and my mother wanted to get me to try new foods, well, I actually don't remember what she did.  Which might be my point.  Your 3 year old will never remember if you made him or her any of these fancy looking dishes.  If you feel like they simply must eat mozzarella balls and arugula, just throw it on a plate like a normal person.  Because this, Parents Magazine, is not normal.  This is the kind of shit moms see on Pinterest that makes them feel bad about themselves - right next to the pictures of birthday parties where everything is made from scratch using twine and chalkboards and upcycled vintage bathtubs.  

Cool it.