Thursday, December 31, 2009

Worst Things of 2009

That GoTo Meeting commercial that played six times a commercial break on TLC.

Best Thing of 2009

Went out at 11:15 to run some errands and bring back lunch.  Returned to the office to find everybody else heading out to a group lunch.  Here's to 2 hours of peace, quiet, and Lostpedia.

Worst Things of 2009

"I get 1,000 hugs from 10,000 lightning bugs."

Worst Things of 2009

Going to the downstairs ladies room and finding somebody else in there.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Christmas

Offices have the unique ability to always produce the opposite results of what they intend - take for example any attempt by management to organize a “fun” event in which you are supposed to bond with your coworkers. The end result of this event is that the coworkers you already disliked you now dislike even more, and the ones you didn’t really know you now know enough to dislike.

Christmastime around the office is no exception. Nothing makes you long for your own living room like watching the office Christmas tree be removed from the storage tubs that its been crammed into for the past 11 months, its tubular sections of aluminum trunk snapped into place, and its molded polymer needles fluffed by an underpaid receptionist. The empty paper boxes that are gift wrapped and placed under the tree always keep me in eager anticipation of Christmas morning. God help me if I ever wake up at the office on Christmas morning.

Starbucks

Get the hell outta Starbucks you college kids on break. This is the place where miserable coffee addicted secretaries come on their lunch hour to pretend they're writers, it is not for you.

Sensors

The light sensors in the ladies room sensed me and turned on. When I left I suspect they turned off. Something to think about in the new year.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

New Year

I hope somebody ordered me a 2010 desk blotter. I don't want to miss out on any blank squares.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Today

Today I will leave for lunch and finally, like I've always dreamed of,not come back. It's a half day.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Lunch

The lunch I ordered for a 12:00 meeting arrived on time and was placed in the conference room. I laid the forks next to the pickles.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Toner

I tried to put a Dell toner in my Brother printer. You can imagine what happened next! It didn't fit.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Birthday

On this day 31 years ago I was born. On this day 31 years later I was bored.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ladies Room

Since I came back from maternity leave the ladies room in my office building has, no pun intended, gone down the toilet.

1st Attempt: Entered stall number 1 and went to hang my coat and bag from the door hook only to discover the hook dangling precariously from the tips of its screws. As there was no other place to hang my stuff, I moved over to stall number 2.

2nd Attempt: Entered stall number 2 which had a fully functioning hook and hung up my bag, only to discover the door is so warped that the lock barely reaches the other side and there is a 2 inch gap where everybody at the sinks can get a full frontal peep show. By having the audacity to hang my coat and bag from the hook I warped the door an extra millimeter causing it to burst open. Onward to stall number 3!

3rd Attempt: The third stall, which used to have a newly installed and very solid sliding latch, for reasons unknown now has no lock at all. Somebody just took it. My last resort before having to head to an Exxon station was to move on to the handicapped stall.

4th Attempt: The handicapped stall, despite almost getting trapped due to a lock that requires a shot of human growth hormone in order to unlatch, was a success.

Thanks

A woman from the office across the hall just tailgated me through the parking lot.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Gray Cubicle Fabric

Office Christmas Party

Avoiding coworkers from other branches was a nice change of pace.

Environment

Pretty sure the several thousand pages of draft environmental report I've printed out have a worse impact on the environment than the strip mall we're building.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Neighbors

I returned to work this week to find that absolutely nothing had changed in the land of bad coffee and outdated computer monitors.  Once I sterilized my desk and confirmed that for 8 weeks nobody did any of my filing, it was time to get back to the business of hating things.  Today's topic is the annoying people who inhabit the hallway outside my office.  Anybody whose company shares a building with at least one other company has their own versions of these mutants, so let's get to it:

1)  Cellbert.  This guy is constantly in the hallway on his cell phone, but unlike a normal person he's not making a personal call.  He's on a work call, on his cell phone, in the hallway.   He's always in the middle of some mega-crisis using phrases like "You're killin' me!"  and "I'm havin' a real helluva week!" If you judge by the shit you hear him saying he's pretty high up in the company so I find it odd that he spends half his day sitting outside the restroom between two ficus trees.  Oftentimes with a Cellbert it's hard to tell if he's saying hello to you or to the person he's talking to on the phone, resulting in you oftentimes sounding like an idiot.  It's best to just ignore a Cellbert and continue on your way to the ladies room.

2) Crazy Muppet-faced Lady.  I dunno, this lady just looks like a crazed muppet.  She's often on her cell phone and may speak in either really fast English or some kind of Croatian.  Not quite sure.  She wears short skirts with pumps and takes these really big strides that are just gross.  Avoid her on the road as it can be assumed that she also drives like a maniac.

3) I'm Better Than You Because I Work at My Company and Not Your Company.  This is your run of the mill snob who can't make eye contact and never says hello.  From the way she flounces out of her office you'd think she's in there drinking highballs with Blake Carrington all afternoon.  Hey guess what?  You manage car loans and I build Walmarts, I think we're pretty much on the same playing field.  Also, I've heard you pee.

4)  Trent.  This guy looks exactly like Vince Vaughn in Swingers.  I'm not sure where he works or what he does other than come to work in a zoot suit and walk around the hallway smiling at chicks.

I wish there was a tunnel that I could take from my desk to the ladies room but I don't think that's gonna happen, not in this economy.

At least none of these people think I'm weird.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Lean Cuisine

To be safe, I put my Lean Cuisine back into the microwave for an extra minute. Nobody else was waiting to use the microwave.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Power

We lost power today due to the severe weather. When it came back on everything looked the same.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pendaflex

The "W" tab has been torn from my Pendaflex. I taped it back on so I may continue to file "W" entitled documents.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Stall

Somebody and/or some thing has removed the lock from the door of restroom stall number three, once my favorite of the stalls.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Work

Back to work tomorrow. It'll be nice to hate everything again.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Annoyances

I always knew being home all day would drive me insane.  But I never expected it to be because of two asshole cats.  Let's review a list of the things that have driven me off the deep end and about 15 seconds away from slugging my cats with a sack full of soiled Pampers Swaddlers:

1)  When I feed the baby it takes about 30 minutes.  This is 30 minutes in which I can't get up and probably shouldn't yell at anybody as supposedly the baby senses my anger.  The cats take this opportunity to do all or any combination of the following:  eat plants, eat tinsel, destroy the Christmas tree, knock the bottle cover off the counter, wrestle, rip the activity gym to shreds, and pick a fight with another cat thru the sliding glass door.

2)  My cats eat twice a day.  According to the vet who suggested this brilliant plan of attack for one of my cat's obesity problems, they would soon learn that they only get fed twice a day and they would eat enough at each meal to tide them over.  Well let's see:  every single time, on every single day, whenever I walk in even the remotest vicinity of the closet where the cat food is kept I find myself being tripped and meowed at as if Dr. Purrbusters Catnip Chorale were putting on a performance behind the door and they've just gotta get front row seats.  They don't learn.

3)  Cat toys and baby toys are one and the same.  They're either soft and fluffy or they rattle and crinkle. The cats, not being the brightest little fellas (see number 2 above), think that we converted an entire room of our house into a cat palace.  One of them decided to make the changing pad into his bed.  It now has to have a piece of aluminum foil sitting on it.  Lovely.  Recently they both discovered the crib where I often find the two of them curled up in the corner giving each other a cleaning.  Great.  Now I gotta keep the nursery door shut.  This is great too because now instead of hanging out in there all night, the cats will climb all over us as we sleep.  They also love to lay on (and under, figure that one out) the activity gym which is now full of claw holes.  The monkeys and other rainforest animals that hang from it are coated with cat fur thus creating the Rainforest Activity Gym and Allergen Den.

Enough about the cats.  Here's some other things that I can't stand:

1)  The Diaper Genie is only full when you are trying to shove in a diaper that is bursting at the seams with turds.

2)  Great Value trash bags from Stop & Shop.  Are they a joke?  I pulled one out of the box and poked my finger right through.  Then when I tried to pull it out of the trash can the handles ripped off.

3) Days of Our Lives hasn't changed since I stopped watching it ten years ago.  Bo & Hope, what are they 60 by now?  How many years are they going to keep getting married and divorced?  Listen up Bo & Hope, someday you're going to die.  Face it.  You can't spend your whole life breaking up and getting back together, it's unnatural.  Someday you're going to be 90 years old and then it'll be sayonara Fancy Face.

4) Also in daytime t.v. - Dr. Oz is a creep, Jennifer Love Hewitt can apparently only speak to the dead when she's wearing a low cut top, and I hate to break it to you QVC, but you can buy a cheap watch for ten bucks at any Walmart.  Nobody's gonna faint or go into throws of ecstasy when they pull that QVC logo'd box out of their stocking.

5)  I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had a girl on whose father was a serial killer.  Then she calls out this other woman who was supposedly the only victim of his who ever got away.  Oprah says "this could have been any one of you!"  The woman comes out and tells her story which was:  she had come out of a grocery store at 10:00 p.m. carrying her 4 month old baby.  She saw the serial killer in the parking lot and struck up a conversation with him.  He seemed like a friendly chap.  She then GOT INTO HIS CAR AND DROVE TO THE WOODS.  With the baby on her lap of course, safety first with this woman.  He then proceeded to try to murder her.  Hey Oprah, why don't you find out your idiot guest's stories before you announce to all the hysterical women in your audience that this could've happened to any one of them.

In summary, while I enjoyed being home with my son, I am quite ready to head back to work.  My cubicle is going to suck and I'm going to hate everyone that I work with within 2 weeks of returning, but at least for a few more years I will never have to find out if Bo & Hope got back together.

Garbage Disposal

Just sent half a cup of potato peels and approximately 1/4 of an onion down the garbage disposal.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Target

One of the Target worker's shirts was the wrong shade of red.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation

Everybody enjoy listening to your grandmother and dad discuss Adam Lambert leading a man around stage on a leash.  Times they are a changin' folks.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

7 years old, black & white, divorced

My cat enjoys tuna, long walks on the beach, and cleaning his gums out on the corner of my laptop.  With such good oral hygiene it's a shame that he's still single.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Instructions

Unhelpful instructions of the day from the Balboa Baby Sling:
"Place the rings at your shoulder level where you would wear a corsage."

Seeing that I haven't recently retired from my position at the bank or celebrated my 50th wedding anniversary, I'm not really familiar with where one wears a corsage.  But thanks.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Nursing

I seriously considered going into nursing after I had my baby.  But then I remembered that nurses give people enemas.

The System Has Been Compromised

This old guy I used to work for didn't realize that he was completely computer illiterate - he would always ask people for their "email numbers" and thought that I had something to do with the creation of the United States Bankruptcy Court's website.  One day our poor IT guy who had to be a saint installed PC Anywhere so he could fix our problems without having to set foot in the office.  My boss was at his desk when IT guy started working remotely on his computer, and when he saw the cursor moving around by itself and folders opening up he flipped out and started yelling "The system has been compromised! The system has been compromised!" He was pretty concerned that someone had hacked in and was making off with our fax cover sheets.  On a related note, one time our IT guy went missing for 3 weeks, no joke.  My boss must've left him 17 voice mails a day, and I just wanted to ask him if he realized he may have driven the guy to suicide.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hangers

Some of my hangers were caught in each other's hanging mechanisms.  I untangled them and continued to hang items.

Merry Christmas

I used to work in an office that was part of an old house and there were tenants living upstairs - an older couple probably in their sixties.  One day I was opening the mail and ripped open what I thought was some junk mail wrapped in blue plastic, but instead out comes the Denise Richards Christmas edition of Playboy.  I quickly checked the address label because I thought it was for my boss and wanted to make sure before I threw myself into oncoming traffic, but nope, turns out it was for the old couple upstairs!  And even better, it was addressed to the wife.  And instead of just throwing the magazine out or taking it home for hubby, I slid it underneath their door all ripped open.  I may have even left a note apologizing for opening it.  Please God, don't let me have left a note.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Yuck

In the hallway the morning after we took a limo to our office Christmas party:

Douchey Boss:  Did you have a good time last night?
Me:  Yeah, it was fun.
Douchey Boss:  Did you happen to notice anything weird going on in the back of the limo?
  (Douchey Boss and new girlfriend were in the back of the limo)
Me:  Weird?  No...like what?
Douchey Boss:  Nothing, nothing, nevermind.
    (Nausea and awkwardness ensue until I give my notice 2 years later)
    

Monday, November 9, 2009

Tales of Yesteryear

The first and only time that I've cried at work was on the first day of my last job.  This 80 year old asshole came in for an appointment with his attorney and yelled at me because when he called I told him his appointment was at 1:00 instead of 1:30, thus making him EARLY for his appointment.  Who yells at somebody for making them early?  "Please, don't hold that elevator for me you son of a bitch!!"  "How dare you let me pull out into traffic ahead of you you m#ther f&634r?!?!"   Yeah, that's normal behavior.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's dead now so that kinda makes me happy.

Daytime T.V.

Dr. Oz and Jerry Springer have the same exact voice.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Rules

Typically, whoever smelt it dealt it.  I beg to differ Max, I beg to differ.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Practice

I might type up a letter tomorrow, just to remind myself what it's like to be at work.  Or maybe I'll just let a bunch of cats chew my leg off.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Binky

My baby fusses every time his pacifier falls out of his mouth.  I've asked him several times why he doesn't just keep it in then, but his answer didn't make much sense.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Reminder

Relaxing on the couch and listening to the peaceful snoring of my cat reminds me that I need to get the hell out of this house.

Monday, October 5, 2009

False Alarm

Every time I woke up last night I hoped I was in labor.  I wasn't.  I didn't even need to go to the bathroom.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Irony Sickens Me

Secretary 4 Life is now sitting around the house waiting to become Mom 4 Life, which is actually about as mundane an existence as going to the office.  Maybe even more so.  I mean, I made a pot of coffee today but the little hole was clogged so I had to clean it out and make another one.  Then do you know what happened?  Nothing.  The second pot came out fine.  I drank it and it was good because it wasn't free disgusting office coffee and I didn't have to serve it to any ungrateful conference room dwellers, which left me with absolutely nothing to complain about.  How boring is that?  It's a sick world we live in.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mesh

Mesh paperclip holder:












Mesh pencil cup:











Mesh shorts:


Monday, September 28, 2009

Rubber Bands

I misplaced the rubber band that I pulled from my drawer.  As a solution I pulled out a second band and used it to complete my fastening project, though I can't stop thinking about how the first one might have turned out.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Outdoor Laborer

Working outdoors always seems like a good idea in the spring and summer.  Even working at a gas station sounds like a treat.  But then you wake up on September 26th and it's 41 degrees outside and suddenly, and I mean this only in terms of physical comfort, your cubicle doesn't seem so bad.  

Friday, September 25, 2009

Coffee

After several attempts at getting the coffee maker to work, I brought a delicious pot of coffee into the conference room.  Nobody cared, looked up, or drank it.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Photos

I downloaded several photos from the office digital camera:  six storm drains, eight different angles of a trash enclosure, seventeen parking spaces - some handicapped, some regular, and four or five lengths of weed entwined chain link fence.  I then told my boss where I saved the photos so that he could enjoy them as well.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Notary

My notary stamp expires soon, I can't believe it's been 7 years.  Time sure flies when you're verifying the authenticity of signatures.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Staple Remover Eating My Stapler


Nature

In celebration of Fall and nature, I've arranged several pushpins in a cascading fashion down my cubicle wall where they then empty into a mesh basket "pool" of white out tape dispensers and gel pens. If you close your eyes it's quite beautiful.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Monday

I enjoy Mondays because when they're over you get rewarded with a Tuesday.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Paralegal

I could go back to being a Paralegal like I was quite a few years ago. But then I would have to take back everything bad I've said about lawyers. Plus, I'd have to work with lawyers.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Donuts

I like Fridays because there is always the hope that a coworker will bring in donuts to share with the office like they did one time in 2005.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

No Faxes

We haven't received any faxes yet today. I checked for error messages but everything appears in working order. Yet still, no faxes.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Voicemail

I let several calls go to voicemail this morning. The last time it rang I decided to answer, but it wasn't important. Neither were the voicemails.

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Mouse Pad and Mouse

This is where most of the secretarial magic happens.

Caps Lock

I transferred some handwritten notes from a sheet of yellow paper into an email using all capital letters. I then returned my keyboard to a non caps lock setting.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Someecards

I really want to win this job writing cards for Someecards, but I doubt I'll get it because one of the qualifications is that the applicant "be awesome."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Search & Replace

I used the search and replace feature to search for a client's name containing an apostrophe, and then replace it with a non-apostrophed version so that there are no longer any apostrophes in the document in regard to the client's name. You never know what Fridays will bring.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fall

The smell of Fall is in the air. I think it's either Lysol apple spice or autumn harvest, but I'd better check with the janitor. Sometimes he uses Glade.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Flags

In celebration of Fall, I changed my Outlook default flag color from green to yellow.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day

In 12 hours and 20 minutes I will be sitting in my cubicle again. I will continue to sit there until Thanksgiving.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Car Salesman

I once went for an interview to be a receptionist at a BMW dealership and the guy told me he wasn't going to hire me, but that he thought I might make a good car salesman. I couldn't even BS the guy into hiring me as a receptionist, I'm gonna convince people to buy cars?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Window

I need to bring a pot of coffee into the conference room. It'll be nice to see out a window for 10-15 seconds.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Storage Closet

I made a visit to the storage closet today, after which I informed the receptionist that we are out of steno pads.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fax

After many failed attempts at sending a fax this afternoon, I realized I had mistaken a "0" for an "8".

Monday, August 31, 2009

Post-it

My pop up Post-it dispenser has failed to produce a new note. Not sure where to go from here.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Elderly

Maybe I could work with the elderly, like in a nursing home or something. But those old people can get mean. And sometimes even regular people have trouble hearing me, so imagine an old person. They'd probably get mad that they couldn't hear me and then they'd get MEAN.

Friday, August 28, 2009

My Stapler

Crumbs

Just shook several crumbs out of my keyboard: 2 Kit-Kat or Nestle Crunch, 6 whole wheat or similarly grained bread, and 3-4 flavor blasted cheddar cheese Goldfish.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Calendar

In five days I can change my desk calendar to September. It'll be nice to look at a new month of blank squares.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fed Ex Supplies

I asked the Fed Ex guy if he had any extra shipping supplies on his truck, but he said he usually doesn't carry extras.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Game

My boss came by my desk this morning with two extra tickets to tonight's game. It's too bad that none of the other managers he asked me to email could go either.

Monday, August 24, 2009

3-Hole Punch

My three hole punch has become engorged with 1/4 inch paper circles. I emptied the circles into my waste basket so that the next time I need to fasten pages into a binder I will be able to do so without delay.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Librarian

I've always liked books and sometimes thought about becoming a librarian. But really, who uses libraries anymore? Strike three.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Fed Ex

A Fed Ex package came in today that wasn't addressed to anybody's attention. There was quite a bit of confusion until we figured out who it belonged to and put it on his desk.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Filing

While doing some filing this afternoon I noticed a few folders had been re-filed incorrectly. I returned these folders to their correct places so that alphabetical order would be restored to the cabinet. A few minutes later the same situation arose in another drawer! Ah bittersweet irony.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Gel Pens

The new Uni-ball Signo RT Gels came in today. I put a few in my pencil cup to enjoy right away, and one in my drawer for after lunch.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Second Page Letterhead

We're down to our last box of second page letterhead. If we run out I may have to fit my letters onto one page. This may be difficult depending on the length of the letter that I've typed.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Modeling

I could try to get into modeling, except one of my eyes doesn't always stay open in photos. And I hate being photographed. And I'm 30.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Out of Paper

A red light came on alerting me that my printer was out of paper. I refilled it so that the light would go out and I could continue to print documents.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ice Cream Social

Our building is having an "ice cream social" today. It'll be nice to stand in the lobby for a few minutes.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Haircut

My boss's haircut needs to be rescheduled to Friday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on availability.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Missing File

My boss asked me to pull him a file that's usually pretty hard to find. This time it was right where it's supposed to be.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Leftovers

There were some leftover sandwiches after a meeting today: two roast beef, one ham, one chicken or possibly tuna salad, and half a tub of mayonnaise. I moved them into the kitchen and sent an email to the office so that they would know about the sandwiches.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Teaching

I think I would like teaching, except children don't listen to me. And then you have to meet with the parents who wouldn't take me seriously.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Med School

Weekends are a time for pondering my other options. Mapping out my future, if you will. I can't be a doctor because I'm already 30 and med school takes like 10 years.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Papers

I noticed that some papers I thought I threw away yesterday were laying next to the trash can. I picked them up and added them to today's collection instead. So goes life.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Surge Protector

I accidentally spilled water on my surge protector this morning. Nothing happened.