Friday, December 11, 2009

The Neighbors

I returned to work this week to find that absolutely nothing had changed in the land of bad coffee and outdated computer monitors.  Once I sterilized my desk and confirmed that for 8 weeks nobody did any of my filing, it was time to get back to the business of hating things.  Today's topic is the annoying people who inhabit the hallway outside my office.  Anybody whose company shares a building with at least one other company has their own versions of these mutants, so let's get to it:

1)  Cellbert.  This guy is constantly in the hallway on his cell phone, but unlike a normal person he's not making a personal call.  He's on a work call, on his cell phone, in the hallway.   He's always in the middle of some mega-crisis using phrases like "You're killin' me!"  and "I'm havin' a real helluva week!" If you judge by the shit you hear him saying he's pretty high up in the company so I find it odd that he spends half his day sitting outside the restroom between two ficus trees.  Oftentimes with a Cellbert it's hard to tell if he's saying hello to you or to the person he's talking to on the phone, resulting in you oftentimes sounding like an idiot.  It's best to just ignore a Cellbert and continue on your way to the ladies room.

2) Crazy Muppet-faced Lady.  I dunno, this lady just looks like a crazed muppet.  She's often on her cell phone and may speak in either really fast English or some kind of Croatian.  Not quite sure.  She wears short skirts with pumps and takes these really big strides that are just gross.  Avoid her on the road as it can be assumed that she also drives like a maniac.

3) I'm Better Than You Because I Work at My Company and Not Your Company.  This is your run of the mill snob who can't make eye contact and never says hello.  From the way she flounces out of her office you'd think she's in there drinking highballs with Blake Carrington all afternoon.  Hey guess what?  You manage car loans and I build Walmarts, I think we're pretty much on the same playing field.  Also, I've heard you pee.

4)  Trent.  This guy looks exactly like Vince Vaughn in Swingers.  I'm not sure where he works or what he does other than come to work in a zoot suit and walk around the hallway smiling at chicks.

I wish there was a tunnel that I could take from my desk to the ladies room but I don't think that's gonna happen, not in this economy.

At least none of these people think I'm weird.