Friday, December 4, 2009


I always knew being home all day would drive me insane.  But I never expected it to be because of two asshole cats.  Let's review a list of the things that have driven me off the deep end and about 15 seconds away from slugging my cats with a sack full of soiled Pampers Swaddlers:

1)  When I feed the baby it takes about 30 minutes.  This is 30 minutes in which I can't get up and probably shouldn't yell at anybody as supposedly the baby senses my anger.  The cats take this opportunity to do all or any combination of the following:  eat plants, eat tinsel, destroy the Christmas tree, knock the bottle cover off the counter, wrestle, rip the activity gym to shreds, and pick a fight with another cat thru the sliding glass door.

2)  My cats eat twice a day.  According to the vet who suggested this brilliant plan of attack for one of my cat's obesity problems, they would soon learn that they only get fed twice a day and they would eat enough at each meal to tide them over.  Well let's see:  every single time, on every single day, whenever I walk in even the remotest vicinity of the closet where the cat food is kept I find myself being tripped and meowed at as if Dr. Purrbusters Catnip Chorale were putting on a performance behind the door and they've just gotta get front row seats.  They don't learn.

3)  Cat toys and baby toys are one and the same.  They're either soft and fluffy or they rattle and crinkle. The cats, not being the brightest little fellas (see number 2 above), think that we converted an entire room of our house into a cat palace.  One of them decided to make the changing pad into his bed.  It now has to have a piece of aluminum foil sitting on it.  Lovely.  Recently they both discovered the crib where I often find the two of them curled up in the corner giving each other a cleaning.  Great.  Now I gotta keep the nursery door shut.  This is great too because now instead of hanging out in there all night, the cats will climb all over us as we sleep.  They also love to lay on (and under, figure that one out) the activity gym which is now full of claw holes.  The monkeys and other rainforest animals that hang from it are coated with cat fur thus creating the Rainforest Activity Gym and Allergen Den.

Enough about the cats.  Here's some other things that I can't stand:

1)  The Diaper Genie is only full when you are trying to shove in a diaper that is bursting at the seams with turds.

2)  Great Value trash bags from Stop & Shop.  Are they a joke?  I pulled one out of the box and poked my finger right through.  Then when I tried to pull it out of the trash can the handles ripped off.

3) Days of Our Lives hasn't changed since I stopped watching it ten years ago.  Bo & Hope, what are they 60 by now?  How many years are they going to keep getting married and divorced?  Listen up Bo & Hope, someday you're going to die.  Face it.  You can't spend your whole life breaking up and getting back together, it's unnatural.  Someday you're going to be 90 years old and then it'll be sayonara Fancy Face.

4) Also in daytime t.v. - Dr. Oz is a creep, Jennifer Love Hewitt can apparently only speak to the dead when she's wearing a low cut top, and I hate to break it to you QVC, but you can buy a cheap watch for ten bucks at any Walmart.  Nobody's gonna faint or go into throws of ecstasy when they pull that QVC logo'd box out of their stocking.

5)  I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had a girl on whose father was a serial killer.  Then she calls out this other woman who was supposedly the only victim of his who ever got away.  Oprah says "this could have been any one of you!"  The woman comes out and tells her story which was:  she had come out of a grocery store at 10:00 p.m. carrying her 4 month old baby.  She saw the serial killer in the parking lot and struck up a conversation with him.  He seemed like a friendly chap.  She then GOT INTO HIS CAR AND DROVE TO THE WOODS.  With the baby on her lap of course, safety first with this woman.  He then proceeded to try to murder her.  Hey Oprah, why don't you find out your idiot guest's stories before you announce to all the hysterical women in your audience that this could've happened to any one of them.

In summary, while I enjoyed being home with my son, I am quite ready to head back to work.  My cubicle is going to suck and I'm going to hate everyone that I work with within 2 weeks of returning, but at least for a few more years I will never have to find out if Bo & Hope got back together.