Thursday, September 30, 2010

Water

There is a Poland Spring delivery schedule on the refrigerator from 2007. I've never noticed this before, and it's the only thing on the fridge.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Losing The Biggest Loser

As someone who spends 8 hours a day rotting her brain with filing and paperwork, when I go home at night I like to continue to rot my brain with some television. There are only a handful of shows that I watch regularly, and for the past year The Biggest Loser was one of them. I tuned in to Season 10 last night only to turn it off 45 minutes later totally disgusted with NBC and possibly all of humanity, though maybe I shouldn't lump those two entities together.

1) Almost every single contestant, or potential contestant, had a heart-wrenching tragedy in their life to tell us about. In a typical season there's usually one or two people who have had something terrible happen which leads to their issues with food. But if you wanted to make it on Season 10 the mere fact that you have to ride a scooter around Walmart isn't tragic enough. Nope, if you're 450 lbs and your mother didn't die on your 10th birthday, or your dog didn't get hit by a bus while you were giving CPR to your blind sister (who later died), then forget it. There was cancer, there was SIDS, there were drownings, and beatings, and just an entire Lifetime Movie Network database full of depressing shit, and I really just couldn't take it anymore.

2) The way that they chose the contestants was so horrible and stupid. They chose three people to do a "step challenge" where they had to walk up and down a step 100 times. The first two people to get to 100 got to be on the show. Therefore, the fattest and most out of shape person has no chance in hell of not finishing last. They get all excited about how they're going to finally turn their life around, then they fail the challenge and get sent home because they're too fat. Meanwhile, some lady who weighs 230 lbs, which is nothing for this show, gets whisked off in a limousine. Way to go Bob & Jillian, way to change America.

Some cities had a different challenge that was even worse - the three contestants had to run a mile. One guy fell smack on his face TWICE and practically went into cardiac arrest. Then, as suspected, he didn't make it onto the show. Then everybody who lost gets a little pep talk from Bob who says "You need to lose weight or you're going to die. Unfortunately our asshole producers thought we'd get more ratings starting the season like this. Here's a couple of Subway coupons."

So I shut it off and I'm not sure if I'll ever put it back on again. I could end this post by saying I'll instead use those two hours to get some exercise, but why end on a lie.   

Monday, September 20, 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

I love being asked to file something like this. There ain't a manilla folder in the world large enough for this shit.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Yes, I Would Love to Listen to Your Voice Against My Will

For most people, putting on a pair of headphones is associated with listening to relaxing music or settling down for an in-flight movie. But to a secretary, headphones are associated with none other than the Panasonic Microcassette Transcriber featuring back space control, quick erase, and totally uncool technology.

With this handy transcriber, management is able to transmit the most irritating sounds in existence directly into their secretary's ear canal. When those headphones are strapped to her head, she may as well prepare for 10-60 minutes of pure torture at the hands of Irritating Dictaphone Guys: 

The Bore - What's worse than having to transcribe a document that you neither care about nor understand? Having it read to you by Ben Stein. Being trapped at your desk, listening to a monotone drone on and on for eternity about pipes and gravel pits, will no doubt have you testing how many times you can wrap a headphone cord around your neck. 

The Mumbler - The Mumbler records his tapes with a mouthful of sweatsocks or with his recorder stuffed in a basket of laundry. Also in this category falls the guy who records his tapes "on the go" so that every other word is muffled by the sound of windshield wipers, ambulances, or terminal velocity. 

The Stumbler - The Stumbler neither knows about, nor cares to learn about, the rewind button. When a regular person botches a sentence they rewind the tape and record over their mistake. The stumbler will instead use phrases like "scratch that" or "uuhhhh" to indicate that his secretary should go back and make a correction. Where exactly the correction is to go is never fully identified. 

The Homeless Guy- The Homeless Guy includes anybody who wheezes, coughs, hacks, sneezes, snorts, or, in extreme cases, vomits into their dictaphone. With time, just the sound of a Homeless Guy opening and closing his recorder will give his secretary the heebie jeebies. 

Unpredictable Heart Attack Guy - Surprise surprise, but Unpredictable Heart Attack Guy wins the award for best kind of dictaphone guy. He is stressed out, sweaty, and tends to swear. And so help me God, nothing breaks up a document about pipes and gravel pits like an unexpected "what the f#ck?!", the sound of a pencil cup and 100 Bics hitting the floor, or hearing a client referred to as "that [insert highly offensive derogatory term here]." 

HR may have a problem with his methods, but to a secretary subjected to any of the above, he is truly a breath of fresh air.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Secretary4Life Daily News

Storage Room to Become New Guy's Office
September 9, 2010


Boston, MA - In an unprecedented decision by management on Wednesday, administrative assistants Danielle Rogers and Janet Wong spent the morning hauling heavy assed boxes of shit out of the storage room at Shepherd & Locke Law Offices.

"They told us some new guy's starting on Monday and that we better get this place cleaned out before we go to lunch," said Rogers, 24. "I don't know if he's somebody's nephew or what, but new people usually just get one of the empty cubicles. I kind of hate him already."

"Michael Watson comes to us with 15 years litigation experience in dog and small animal hoarding," said manager, Stuart Block, 54. "He really has what it takes to make it in this firm and we want to offer him the very best that we have."

The best that Shepherd & Locke has will come replete with windows, an electric pencil sharpener, and a chair that was wheeled in from the conference room.

"I'm pretty sure something died in here last summer," said Wong, 37. "Isn't that right, Danielle? I remember the exterminators were here for like, ever."

According to sources, upon moving into his new office Watson will also be offered a company credit card, a company car, and a welcome lunch at one of the hottest spots in the Financial District.

"He's just, he's just...he's really cutthroat," said Block. "I mean, we can't mess this up. We can't mess this up, or else we're done. The company's done."

"So we basically had to drag 150 boxes into that pile over there so this jackass can have a nice place to update his Facebook status," said Rogers, rolling her eyes. "But whatever. It's his funeral. Who wants Quizno's?"

As of press time, Watson was still weighing his other options before deciding if he will show up to work on Monday.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Internet

We received an email from IT about how our Internet connection would be down at 6:00 p.m. We were advised to plan accordingly. I think that if a person from the 1950s read that email they would be more confused about why people are still working at 6:00 p.m. than about that thing called the "Internet."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

2 year olds in Indonesia are way more sophisticated than your kids

In my infinite boredom today I came across an article about this baby in Indonesia who is a chainsmoker. He recently went to rehab and hasn't smoked in a month, but there is concern that when he returns to his village he will be faced with too much temptation and start smoking again.  Um, is it really that hard to keep cigarettes from a 2 year old?  I have an 11 month old who, if I poured cheese puffs and chocolate cake all over the floor, might have a hard time resisting temptation.  So being the stellar mom that I am, I keep that shit in a cabinet.  Done. And not only does this kid have access to cigarettes, but he's gotta have a lighter too, right?  There's another no-no: kids playing with matches.  I mean he could accidentally burn down his whole village, including the Burger King that he apparently eats at every day.  Quick, somebody find this kid a Walmart.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Signs

We drove past a strip club this weekend, on our way to Babies R Us or something, and the sign outside said "Cold Women, Warm Beers."  I wish I'd gotten a picture, but we didn't feel like pulling over in front of a strip club to take photos.  But I assure you, it was awesome.  I'll give the strip club maintenance guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that somebody rearranged the words as a joke.  But who knows since every time I drive by a Burger King there's usually an extra space between the "W" and the "H" in Whopper and the "W" is actually an upside down "M".  Not to look down on the skills or career choice of billboard letter putter-upper guys.  At least they get some fresh air.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I Live (and file) Dangerously

1) Climbing Mt. Washington
2) Childbirth
3) Filing 

No, this is not a list of my three life goals.  Thank you for thinking that filing is one of my life goals.  This is a list of the top three most exhausting and dangerous things I've ever done. While climbing Mt. Washington certainly came with its own risks (i.e. freezing to death and bears), and childbirth by C-section was no picnic (yes doctor, please do put my uterus back in), filing (particularly shifting files in order to make room for more) has the potential for some serious injuries all its own.  First of all, we're not talking about a few manila folders here. We're talking folders that are a foot wide and weighing in at 25 lbs. That's heavier than my fattest cat, and four of them pretty much equal a dusty cardboard version of myself.  Plus they are packed in tighter than sardines in a Space Bag.

So, in order to remove just one file from the cabinet, just one file out of the fifty others that I also need to remove, I take my dainty little fingers and I grab a folder by about an inch of cardboard on both sides.  I inch it up until my fingers are turned into shaky overcooked pieces of ziti, and then I jam one hand down in between the files, all the way down to the elbow, and propel the beast up and out.  It is at this point that the tender underside of arm, the part that looks to be home to some important arteries, gets sliced by the metal rail on the side of the drawer.  This rail exists to hold up your hanging file dividers, but it also exists to fall out and then not fit back into the slots that it was in loosely enough to have fallen out of.  As a result, it also exists to smash things.  Meanwhile, with the sudden loss of 25 lbs of weight, I am also in danger of having a filing cabinet just outright fall on me.   

So this is how I see it:  When I gave birth I was in a hospital surrounded by professional medical staff. When I hiked Mt. Washington I was surrounded by other hikers, the Cog Railway, and probably a few mountain hermits who'd be willing to lend me a helping hand and a bowl of squirrel stew. At the office it would probably be 2-6 hours before anybody even noticed that I wasn't around.


Holiday

I love my Dunkin Donuts calendar:

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

State Form

I love that the font on this state environmental form was chosen by an 11 year old girl.

School

My anger at back-to-school traffic is balanced by my joy that teachers are finally going back to work.