September 9, 2010
Boston, MA - In an unprecedented decision by management on Wednesday, administrative assistants Danielle Rogers and Janet Wong spent the morning hauling heavy assed boxes of shit out of the storage room at Shepherd & Locke Law Offices.
"They told us some new guy's starting on Monday and that we better get this place cleaned out before we go to lunch," said Rogers, 24. "I don't know if he's somebody's nephew or what, but new people usually just get one of the empty cubicles. I kind of hate him already."
"Michael Watson comes to us with 15 years litigation experience in dog and small animal hoarding," said manager, Stuart Block, 54. "He really has what it takes to make it in this firm and we want to offer him the very best that we have."
The best that Shepherd & Locke has will come replete with windows, an electric pencil sharpener, and a chair that was wheeled in from the conference room.
"I'm pretty sure something died in here last summer," said Wong, 37. "Isn't that right, Danielle? I remember the exterminators were here for like, ever."
According to sources, upon moving into his new office Watson will also be offered a company credit card, a company car, and a welcome lunch at one of the hottest spots in the Financial District.
"He's just, he's just...he's really cutthroat," said Block. "I mean, we can't mess this up. We can't mess this up, or else we're done. The company's done."
"So we basically had to drag 150 boxes into that pile over there so this jackass can have a nice place to update his Facebook status," said Rogers, rolling her eyes. "But whatever. It's his funeral. Who wants Quizno's?"
As of press time, Watson was still weighing his other options before deciding if he will show up to work on Monday.