Thursday, December 23, 2010

Twas The Week Before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas, at every one's job
Not a creature is working, not Richard nor Bob.
Amazon, Zappos, and eBay we're shopping
Minimized with a click when the boss comes a' knocking.

JCPenney.com you think that you spied?
Of course not, Sir, that's your PowerPoint slides.
Now it's off to a two hour lunch and some drinks
Followed, to be honest, by forty afternoon winks.

But over by reception there arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter.
Away to the front desk I flew like a bird
Pushed aside Carl and shoved past some nerd!

Two more gift baskets had just been delivered
The cheese being ransacked, the sausages slivered.
When what to my wondering eyes was revealed?
A client with the foresight to send Mrs. Fields!

With peanut butter, chocolate, and Macadamia nuts,
I knew in a moment we'd fill up our guts.
More rapid than eagles they coursed down our throats
Our teeth snugly wrapped in their sugary coats.

"Now Marilyn! Now Amber! Now get back to work!
On Susan! On Celia! I pay you, you jerks!"
It's the boss come back early to spoil our fun
Not to worry, my friends, he's got more meetings at one.

We shall run out to Starbucks for lattes so tall,
That the clients won't get their Fed Exes at all.
Sixteen new voice mails that shall never be heard
Face facts you losers, it's December twenty-third!

Dictation tapes lay in an unwanted pile
My filing could stretch down the road half a mile.
But it all will be here when the holiday's through
So screw it for now. That's it. Woo hoo!

The clock turns to five and we sprint to our rides
The icy grip of the office still nipping our hides.
And you'll hear us exclaim, as we peel out of Hell

"Happy Christmas to all! Don't you dare call my cell!"

How I received one of my Christmas presents

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Welcome! The Murderous Rampage Just Ended

It's so good to finally meet you! Can I get you some water or a coffee? Please, have a seat next to the chalk outline of our last Administrative Assistant, and I will be back in a jiffy.

Love that sweater, by the way. Ann Taylor? Just as soon as I get this blood stained paperwork out of the way we can get started. We've been swamped this morning, what with the arrest, the questioning, the police shootout. You know how Mondays can be. Especially now that we're down a person.

Let me just start by saying that we have a real good group of folks here. Richard, the gentleman you saw being led out in handcuffs, he'll be your immediate supervisor. Unfortunately he can't be here to meet with you right now - personal matter - but with any luck he'll plead self defense and be back in time to start your training.  Continue reading at The Collared Sheep...

crime-scene-tape-vector.jpg
Not what you want to see when you get off the elevator

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Joy of Office Secret Santa

Every Christmas the girls in my office used to do a Secret Santa swap. We are a small office, so this usually worked out to be four admins, the receptionist, and the token female CAD worker that my company keeps on hand to fend off affirmative action. A few years ago, we made the unfortunate decision to end the Secret Santa tradition. The reason had something to do with saving money, or saving time, but I can tell you that one year I received a cookie jar in the form of a cat wearing a Christmas sweater, so it sure as hell wasn't my idea to pull the plug. Cookie jars shaped like cats in Christmas sweaters were put on this planet, and the clearance aisle of Ocean State Job Lot, to be made fun of. I talked about that cookie jar for months. I photographed my cat looking at that cookie jar with an expression on his face that said "I hope you didn't bring this broad home for me." Right up until the moment that the Salvation Army truck hauled its ugly ass away, that cookie jar brought me tidings of great joy.

And that, my friends, is the beauty of the Secret Santa swap. Sometimes you get something good and sometimes you get something horrid. Sometimes the woman who wears Gucci boots pulls your name, and sometimes it's the woman who wears pink corduroy overalls. Life is a crapshoot and Secret Santa is filled with crap. But at least it gave us a few minutes of giggly anticipation and holiday cheer in the conference room, and to me that was well worth the twenty-five bucks.
I bring tidings of great joy, and a tinny version of Don't Worry Be Happy
Now the only tradition left is that all the girls chip in to purchase a gift for our Branch Manager - a gift that usually costs us more than the $25 Secret Santa swap would have. He is supremely wealthy and we are all terrified of him. How the holiday joy abounds! My thought is that he could probably live without another gift card to that place where you get your hair cut by a woman in spandex shorts, and we could reinstate our little gift exchange. Perhaps then, instead of wanting to stick my foot out as he walks past my cubicle with yet another new golf club perched upon his shoulder, I could tip my hat, tuck a festively wrapped Big Mouth Billy Bass underneath my arm, and head gleefully into the conference room.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Alchemist

My brother-in-law the teacher, the one with the schedule all us office workers are insanely jealous of, recommended this book to me.  I was hooked within minutes of reading the introduction, and continued on with little voices shouting "yes!" and  "so true!" in my head the entire time.  It is about a shepherd boy who literally follows his dream - a dream that tells him he will find a buried treasure at the pyramids in Egypt.  Along the way he meets characters who teach him about the importance of not giving up because the very next time that you try could be the time that you will succeed.  The book is an allegory and gets deeply philosophical at times, but the message is very basic and unbelievably inspirational. 
 


And now blog readers, consisting of my mother and possibly one coworker, I am going to put my latest goal up on the Internet so that I will have to answer to someone besides myself if I don't at least pursue it.  I wrote a novel a few years ago about an unhappy secretary.  I wrote for a year straight and then put it away and haven't thought about it since.  I recently entered it into a contest, and although I didn't make it to the final round, I received surprisingly good reviews from the judges.  And so, thanks to finishing The Alchemist right before my contest results arrived, I am vowing to take my novel out and spruce the old girl up. 

But my goal is bigger than that.  I say that one year from today I will have found myself an agent who is willing to work with me to find a publisher.  If little Santiago the shepherd boy can trek across the desert in the middle of tribal wars, then I can certainly give up watching The Sing Off in order to work on my book. 

See you back here in a year.

Area Plan Considers Options















Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Leftovers

There is some leftover mustard and mayonnaise in the kitchen. No sandwiches.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Thermostat

This is a picture of a non-functioning thermostat. Next up, a picture of my non-functioning frozen corpse.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Toilets

A mere four months after system failure, someone has finally come to fix the toilets.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Coworker's Creepiness Destroying Other People's Friendships

December 5, 2010

Boston, MA - Over the course of four years, office creep, Marty Thompson, 56, has singlehandedly ended the innocent friendships of four grossed out administrative assistants.

"Any time Tracy and I were talking, he would just appear out of nowhere and make a comment about how we're always together," said Annabeth Spencer, 29. "Then he would make a joke about how he was going to tell on us to our boss. He was practically drooling all over his scraggly beard."

"We decided that it was best if we never spoke to each other again," said Tracy Johnson, 28. "All I need is for that guy to picture us having a pajama party."

Over the years, several other administrative assistants have called it quits on their friendships due to Thompsons unwelcome remarks and the fact that he drives a 1997 Lincoln Towncar with a green wash cloth on the dashboard.

"Megan Riley and I used to be great friends," said Ariana Benson, 25, "until that day Marty walked by while I was cutting a tag out of her sweater and asked if we needed any help."

"Never again," said Megan. "It's not worth it. Now I just hang out with Rob Markowski in IT. He has acne. Wait, could he be into that too?"

While Thompson has never formally been charged with sexual harassment, he has been unable to escape his image as a total skeezoid loser. Neither his black tapered jeans and Miami Dolphins jacket combo, nor the nude mannequin legs in his back seat, have helped in shedding the debilitating label.

When approached for comment, Thompson locked himself inside his office either to review invoices or to watch video feed from the first floor ladies restroom.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Will Say This One Time Only

I was in the toasty warm plotter room all by myself this morning with my McDonald's coffee, making copies of some plans, and I thought, just for a minute, "It could be a lot worse."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Local Admin Can't Just Sit Around Eating Turkey All Day Like Those Pilgrims

Boston, MA -  From behind a steaming cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese, Administrative Assistant, Marjorie Bangs, 43, declared that while the Pilgrims certainly had some challenges of their own, they would never be able to survive a day in her shoes.  Continue reading at The Collared Sheep...

plimoth1.jpg
But can she send a fax? 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Secretary4Life's Thanksgiving Table, Literally

In order to improve our lousy, ungrateful, attitudes, a fellow administrative assistant suggested that each day we try to think of something that we are thankful for at work (besides a paycheck).

As everybody knows, there is no better time than Thanksgiving to be halfheartedly thankful for all the things that you sort of appreciate around the office. And if forcing myself to come up with positive things to say about secretarial work passes the time until I’m sinking my teeth into a juicy turkey dinner, then let’s get started.  Continue Reading Here at The Collared Sheep...

Holiday

I'm working today so that veterans may have plenty of expanded Walmarts and remodeled McDonalds at their disposal. It's the least we can do.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Most Awesomest Thing Ever

If you've ever wanted to decide which one is awesomer, Vikings or Muhammad Ali, now is your chance!

At The Most Awesomest Thing Ever you can vote endlessly on these types of things.  Hobbits or a nap? Kimmy Gibbler or onion rings?  They are all duking it out for the title of the Awesomest Thing Ever, with results for the day, the week, and all time.  It's all up to you!  Getting fired for spending three hours on this site, however, that's up to your boss.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

I Knew The Sun Was a Jerk Ever Since It Killed Me in Super Mario 3

Ok look, Sun, enough with this game. Alright?

Just because you support all life on Earth and without you every terrestrial being would basically curl up and die, does that mean you have to be such a bitch during our commute? Here we are, just trying to get home to our families after slaving away at our jobs, and there you are, dead center of I-495, being nothing but a total wanker. “Oooh look at me, I use nuclear fusion to produce kinetic energy!” Big deal. I could have done that in ninth grade. Nobody’s impressed by you, Sun.  

Hey

According to Google Analytics, somebody found my blog by googling "making fun of secretaries." As if we don't already have it hard enough.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Really?

Oftentimes I sit here at my desk and wish that I had majored in whatever it is that you people do here at this place that I come to every morning. I think that if I had just majored in cartography or insectology or immunology, or...what? Engineering? Civil engineering, for real? I never would have guessed that. Anyway, if I had just majored in civil insectology, I think that I could have made a real difference in the world, rather than just sitting here typing these boring Word documents. I mean I could have been the one out there surveying dalmations or dissecting crustaceans or...what? That's what you guys do? Wow, I wasn't even close.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

If The Flu Doesn't Kill You, HR Might

In the spirit of flu season, HR sent an email to my company informing us about insurance coverage and where to get a flu shot. They also chose to include this photo in case we weren’t familiar with what a “shot” is:













Seeing that I nearly pass out every time I have blood drawn, there was nothing more that I wanted to see while sipping my coffee than a picture of somebody’s tender flesh about to be pierced by a 4-inch hypodermic needle.  Continue reading here at The Collared Sheep...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dr. Albus Dumbledorf, DMD, Totally Unaware of Harry Potter

October 27, 2010

Utica, NY - Dr. Albus P. Dumbledorf, D.M.D., a Utica, NY orthodontist for over 26 years, has expressed bewilderment at the substantial rise in patients he has seen over the past seven years.

"It's like some magical force has been drawing children to my practice," said Dumbledorf, a tall, graying man, with crescent shaped spectacles. "This one child took my picture and said he was going to 'post' it to 'Facebook.' Facebook? I don't know, I just talk to my colleagues using these state of the art video phones that I've mounted on the walls of my office. Look, there's Dr. Weinstein, he's waving to us."

With the recent increase in patients, Dr. Dumbledorf has been able to hire several new staff members including Rubeus Hagridson, a foreboding but loveable once you get to know him x-ray tech, and Hermione Grangeroni, the smart as a whip but not quite there yet in the looks department receptionist.

"I don't really understand what it is," said Dumbledorf. "But my local colleagues, who have gone so far as giving out free orthodontia themed stickers, have still not experienced the type of surge that we have. It makes you wonder if something else is going on."

When approached for comment, children in the waiting room admitted that while they love Dr. Dumbledorf, and that it's a real shame he has to die in book six, if he tightens their braces one more time he's probably gonna get kicked.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Actually I Can Very Easily Believe That it's Been Five Years

Thank you all for the cake, and the kind words. But actually, yes, I can believe that it’s been five years. Five days a week, 52 weeks a year, 2,080 hours, 37 million excruciating seconds. It’s not exactly believing in Santa Claus, just some simple math.

Thank you, Pam, I know that I haven’t aged a day since I first walked in the door. That’s very sweet of you to say. But on the inside, a good fifteen years have been whittled off my life – fifteen years chipped away like ice from my windshield on exactly 243 frigid winter mornings.

I can, without any trouble, believe that it’s already been 334 wasted summer days, 20 working holidays, and 260 Sunday nights spent crying myself to sleep. In fact, I keep a tally right here in my calendar, see? Continue reading here at The Collared Sheep...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Fast Food Workers Not Jealous of You, Not One Bit

October 20, 2010 

Boston, MA - In a recent study conducted by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, it was revealed that fast food workers employed in the vicinity of your office building are in no way jealous of you, not one bit.  The study, which interviewed fast food workers in every single business district on Earth, was originally intended to measure job satisfaction among those earning minimum wage.  But in an unprecedented twist, all questions regarding job satisfaction resulted in the same response - "I am so glad to not be like them."  This statement was typically followed by the employee pointing toward the registers where any number of knee-length wool trench coat wearing middle-managers were waiting to order. 

"At first, I envied them," said an anonymous Chipotle worker, possibly from the one that you go to. "They'd come in with their Blackberries, looking like they had it all. Talking real loud about things I didn't understand. And I thought for a while that maybe I should go back to school and try to get a job like that. But then, just as I handed one of them their barbacoa burrito bowl, I noticed his eyes. Dead, hollow. As if all the sadness in the world had been funneled straight into his soul.  And the air seemed to get, I don't know, colder it seemed.  I don't like to think about it, I'm sorry...I gotta go squash up some avocados."

Director of the study, Andrew Smithfield, was surprised to find that it was actually the downtown areas where fast food employees showed the greatest satisfaction with their jobs. 

"A finding like that is probably due to the fact that the douchiest attorneys work downtown," said Smithfield. "The presence of those types of assholes, plus totally hideous looking City Hall employees, tends to make fast food workers more appreciative of their jobs." 

"Sure some of them come in and yell at us because they ordered no onions, or they found a Bandaid in their fries," said an anonymous Burger King worker. "But at the end of the day, who's the one having a heart attack at fifty? Not me. Plus, I get all the free Quad Stackers I can eat."

Monopoly

I hope these little pockets are big enough to hold 3 dozen Reading Railroads.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Happy Monday

My cat coughed up some heart shaped vomit last night for my wedding anniversary.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Corporate Jargon for the Rest of Us

Corporate jargon has been popping up everywhere lately.

From sites like Unsuck-it.com to earning its own entry in Wikipedia, it seems that everybody enjoys making fun of the nonsense that makes their bosses feel special. But as secretaries we have no need to use phrases like “reinvent the wheel” or “shoot from the hip,” because we are not has-been frat boys from the 1990′s. Even so, why should we miss out on all the overly dramatic fun?
Continue reading at The Collared Sheep

Paper

This sounds like one of my exaggerations ("today I used 14,000 paperclips), but I seriously just used 2,000 sheets of paper for a project with a company who claims to be green. A major company. BIG.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Secretary4Life Daily News

McDonald's Monopoly Game Last Chance for Success in Life

October 11, 2010

Boston, MA - After exhausting all other opportunities to become successful in life, administrative assisant Donna Porter, 56, has come to the conclusion that winning any of the prizes in McDonald's 2010 Monopoly game will be the best thing she can ever expect to happen to her.

Over the years Porter has considered a myriad of new career paths, but lacked the initiative to follow through with any of them. In 2004, after caring for an ill grandparent with the utmost compassion, Porter enrolled in a nursing program at North Shore Community College. She later dropped out due to the mention of a ten page term paper on her Anatomy & Physiology syllabus.

"On weekends I go onto Craigs List," said Porter, "and try to meet up with other people who might have found the rarer pieces." With no other current goals, Porter is able to spend up to 6 hours per day tracking down the elusive pieces.

In 1994 Porter finished writing a novel about a teenage vampire who falls madly in love with a mortal girl. After receiving two rejections letters, Porter accepted the idea that "Dusk" was silly and probably unsaleable.

"You can get pieces on the Filet o' Fish, a large fry, a Quarter Pound...no, not a Quarter Pounder, a Big Mac, and also the McGriddle," said Porter. "So, I could play three times a day if I wanted to. And why not? If you want to become the successful owner of a 2011 Ford Edge, you've really got to put in the effort."

"Look," said Porter, tearing into her second box of McNuggets, "not everyone is meant to find success with a fancy career or a best selling novel. If I could get my hands on that $5,000 Walmart shopping spree, I would finally feel that I made it."

"Shit," she added. "Baltic."

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Kids

Sometimes I think about going into early childhood education, like working with 0 - 2 year olds.  But I'm still not sure if I can stand other people's kids.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

201!

Secretary4Life has made it to 201 Twitter followers! Now for the real question...do any of them actually read my blog? I mean, I have photos of pushpins for cripes sake.

Pushpins Just Awkwardly Hanging Around

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Secretary4Life Daily News

Co-worker's Unmarked Package Almost Definitely Erectile Dysfunction Medication

October 5, 2010

Boston, MA - Mail carrier Jim Granger, 37, voiced suspicion on Monday that the unmarked packages delivered monthly to Weinstein-Fleiss employee Richard Wire are almost definitely erectile dysfunction medication. 

"Once a month, like clockwork, he gets this weird package wrapped in plain brown paper," said Granger. "I mean, plain brown paper? They may as well just stamp a picture of his non-functioning ding-dong right on there."

The suspicious package is usually postmarked from Detroit and yields no helpful clues when shaken or thumped. Receptionist Marie Baxter, 30, attempted to confirm the package's contents by "accidentally" tearing the paper and claiming that she thought it was a sweater she had ordered from Ann Taylor. Unfortunately a second unmarked box was found underneath the plain brown paper.

When reached for comment, Wire said that he wished the receptionist would just give him his contact lenses without all the strange looks.

Doctor

Eagerly counting down the minutes until I get to leave work for my doctor's appointment. Yes, childhood version of myself, this is how your career turned out - wishing you were at the doctor's office.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Secretary4Life Daily News



Even Ficus Tree Bored Out Of Its God Damned Mind

October 4, 2010

Boston, MA - After three years of being stationed outside of that moron Scott Winston's cubicle, a 6-foot ficus tree has confirmed that if it has to spend another minute in this place it's going to lose its God damned mind.

"Day in and day out it's the same old shit with these people," said the ficus. "And God forbid that fat ass should ever take five minutes out of his precious day to hold a conversation. Unless there are Snickers bars dangling from my limbs he ain't interested."

Sources have confirmed that part of receptionist Marcy Brown's job description includes watering the disgruntled ficus once a week.

"Yeah that broad waters me, big deal. They expect me to hang around all week waiting for it like it's the second coming of Christ? Whoopty doo."

In a memo to Branch Manager Robert St. George that was never written because trees cannot write, the ficus expressed its opinion of how everybody in the office is either a total blowhard, major dipshit, or boring enough to make it just quit photosynthesizing and die.

"You think I want to waste my energy converting carbon dioxide into sugars so I can sit here and listen to these zombies talk about grabbing the low-hanging fruit?" said the ficus. "I'm a f#cking tree and even I don't give a rat's ass about low-hanging fruit."

"Get a life," it added.

"You know, I've got a sister adorning the lobby of Google out in California.  Every day I wonder how it is I ended up here."

As of press time, the ficus tree was considering going back to school for a teaching degree once it figures out how the hell to get to the elevator.

Bug

There's a bug in the bathroom and I really want to say to him "Look man, you can go anywhere you want. You're a bug for Christ sake. What the f#$k are you doing here? Go outside where it doesn't still smell like some fat lady's BO half an hour after she's left the bathroom."

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Water

There is a Poland Spring delivery schedule on the refrigerator from 2007. I've never noticed this before, and it's the only thing on the fridge.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Losing The Biggest Loser

As someone who spends 8 hours a day rotting her brain with filing and paperwork, when I go home at night I like to continue to rot my brain with some television. There are only a handful of shows that I watch regularly, and for the past year The Biggest Loser was one of them. I tuned in to Season 10 last night only to turn it off 45 minutes later totally disgusted with NBC and possibly all of humanity, though maybe I shouldn't lump those two entities together.

1) Almost every single contestant, or potential contestant, had a heart-wrenching tragedy in their life to tell us about. In a typical season there's usually one or two people who have had something terrible happen which leads to their issues with food. But if you wanted to make it on Season 10 the mere fact that you have to ride a scooter around Walmart isn't tragic enough. Nope, if you're 450 lbs and your mother didn't die on your 10th birthday, or your dog didn't get hit by a bus while you were giving CPR to your blind sister (who later died), then forget it. There was cancer, there was SIDS, there were drownings, and beatings, and just an entire Lifetime Movie Network database full of depressing shit, and I really just couldn't take it anymore.

2) The way that they chose the contestants was so horrible and stupid. They chose three people to do a "step challenge" where they had to walk up and down a step 100 times. The first two people to get to 100 got to be on the show. Therefore, the fattest and most out of shape person has no chance in hell of not finishing last. They get all excited about how they're going to finally turn their life around, then they fail the challenge and get sent home because they're too fat. Meanwhile, some lady who weighs 230 lbs, which is nothing for this show, gets whisked off in a limousine. Way to go Bob & Jillian, way to change America.

Some cities had a different challenge that was even worse - the three contestants had to run a mile. One guy fell smack on his face TWICE and practically went into cardiac arrest. Then, as suspected, he didn't make it onto the show. Then everybody who lost gets a little pep talk from Bob who says "You need to lose weight or you're going to die. Unfortunately our asshole producers thought we'd get more ratings starting the season like this. Here's a couple of Subway coupons."

So I shut it off and I'm not sure if I'll ever put it back on again. I could end this post by saying I'll instead use those two hours to get some exercise, but why end on a lie.   

Monday, September 20, 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

I love being asked to file something like this. There ain't a manilla folder in the world large enough for this shit.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Yes, I Would Love to Listen to Your Voice Against My Will

For most people, putting on a pair of headphones is associated with listening to relaxing music or settling down for an in-flight movie. But to a secretary, headphones are associated with none other than the Panasonic Microcassette Transcriber featuring back space control, quick erase, and totally uncool technology.

With this handy transcriber, management is able to transmit the most irritating sounds in existence directly into their secretary's ear canal. When those headphones are strapped to her head, she may as well prepare for 10-60 minutes of pure torture at the hands of Irritating Dictaphone Guys: 

The Bore - What's worse than having to transcribe a document that you neither care about nor understand? Having it read to you by Ben Stein. Being trapped at your desk, listening to a monotone drone on and on for eternity about pipes and gravel pits, will no doubt have you testing how many times you can wrap a headphone cord around your neck. 

The Mumbler - The Mumbler records his tapes with a mouthful of sweatsocks or with his recorder stuffed in a basket of laundry. Also in this category falls the guy who records his tapes "on the go" so that every other word is muffled by the sound of windshield wipers, ambulances, or terminal velocity. 

The Stumbler - The Stumbler neither knows about, nor cares to learn about, the rewind button. When a regular person botches a sentence they rewind the tape and record over their mistake. The stumbler will instead use phrases like "scratch that" or "uuhhhh" to indicate that his secretary should go back and make a correction. Where exactly the correction is to go is never fully identified. 

The Homeless Guy- The Homeless Guy includes anybody who wheezes, coughs, hacks, sneezes, snorts, or, in extreme cases, vomits into their dictaphone. With time, just the sound of a Homeless Guy opening and closing his recorder will give his secretary the heebie jeebies. 

Unpredictable Heart Attack Guy - Surprise surprise, but Unpredictable Heart Attack Guy wins the award for best kind of dictaphone guy. He is stressed out, sweaty, and tends to swear. And so help me God, nothing breaks up a document about pipes and gravel pits like an unexpected "what the f#ck?!", the sound of a pencil cup and 100 Bics hitting the floor, or hearing a client referred to as "that [insert highly offensive derogatory term here]." 

HR may have a problem with his methods, but to a secretary subjected to any of the above, he is truly a breath of fresh air.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Secretary4Life Daily News

Storage Room to Become New Guy's Office
September 9, 2010


Boston, MA - In an unprecedented decision by management on Wednesday, administrative assistants Danielle Rogers and Janet Wong spent the morning hauling heavy assed boxes of shit out of the storage room at Shepherd & Locke Law Offices.

"They told us some new guy's starting on Monday and that we better get this place cleaned out before we go to lunch," said Rogers, 24. "I don't know if he's somebody's nephew or what, but new people usually just get one of the empty cubicles. I kind of hate him already."

"Michael Watson comes to us with 15 years litigation experience in dog and small animal hoarding," said manager, Stuart Block, 54. "He really has what it takes to make it in this firm and we want to offer him the very best that we have."

The best that Shepherd & Locke has will come replete with windows, an electric pencil sharpener, and a chair that was wheeled in from the conference room.

"I'm pretty sure something died in here last summer," said Wong, 37. "Isn't that right, Danielle? I remember the exterminators were here for like, ever."

According to sources, upon moving into his new office Watson will also be offered a company credit card, a company car, and a welcome lunch at one of the hottest spots in the Financial District.

"He's just, he's just...he's really cutthroat," said Block. "I mean, we can't mess this up. We can't mess this up, or else we're done. The company's done."

"So we basically had to drag 150 boxes into that pile over there so this jackass can have a nice place to update his Facebook status," said Rogers, rolling her eyes. "But whatever. It's his funeral. Who wants Quizno's?"

As of press time, Watson was still weighing his other options before deciding if he will show up to work on Monday.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Internet

We received an email from IT about how our Internet connection would be down at 6:00 p.m. We were advised to plan accordingly. I think that if a person from the 1950s read that email they would be more confused about why people are still working at 6:00 p.m. than about that thing called the "Internet."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

2 year olds in Indonesia are way more sophisticated than your kids

In my infinite boredom today I came across an article about this baby in Indonesia who is a chainsmoker. He recently went to rehab and hasn't smoked in a month, but there is concern that when he returns to his village he will be faced with too much temptation and start smoking again.  Um, is it really that hard to keep cigarettes from a 2 year old?  I have an 11 month old who, if I poured cheese puffs and chocolate cake all over the floor, might have a hard time resisting temptation.  So being the stellar mom that I am, I keep that shit in a cabinet.  Done. And not only does this kid have access to cigarettes, but he's gotta have a lighter too, right?  There's another no-no: kids playing with matches.  I mean he could accidentally burn down his whole village, including the Burger King that he apparently eats at every day.  Quick, somebody find this kid a Walmart.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Signs

We drove past a strip club this weekend, on our way to Babies R Us or something, and the sign outside said "Cold Women, Warm Beers."  I wish I'd gotten a picture, but we didn't feel like pulling over in front of a strip club to take photos.  But I assure you, it was awesome.  I'll give the strip club maintenance guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that somebody rearranged the words as a joke.  But who knows since every time I drive by a Burger King there's usually an extra space between the "W" and the "H" in Whopper and the "W" is actually an upside down "M".  Not to look down on the skills or career choice of billboard letter putter-upper guys.  At least they get some fresh air.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I Live (and file) Dangerously

1) Climbing Mt. Washington
2) Childbirth
3) Filing 

No, this is not a list of my three life goals.  Thank you for thinking that filing is one of my life goals.  This is a list of the top three most exhausting and dangerous things I've ever done. While climbing Mt. Washington certainly came with its own risks (i.e. freezing to death and bears), and childbirth by C-section was no picnic (yes doctor, please do put my uterus back in), filing (particularly shifting files in order to make room for more) has the potential for some serious injuries all its own.  First of all, we're not talking about a few manila folders here. We're talking folders that are a foot wide and weighing in at 25 lbs. That's heavier than my fattest cat, and four of them pretty much equal a dusty cardboard version of myself.  Plus they are packed in tighter than sardines in a Space Bag.

So, in order to remove just one file from the cabinet, just one file out of the fifty others that I also need to remove, I take my dainty little fingers and I grab a folder by about an inch of cardboard on both sides.  I inch it up until my fingers are turned into shaky overcooked pieces of ziti, and then I jam one hand down in between the files, all the way down to the elbow, and propel the beast up and out.  It is at this point that the tender underside of arm, the part that looks to be home to some important arteries, gets sliced by the metal rail on the side of the drawer.  This rail exists to hold up your hanging file dividers, but it also exists to fall out and then not fit back into the slots that it was in loosely enough to have fallen out of.  As a result, it also exists to smash things.  Meanwhile, with the sudden loss of 25 lbs of weight, I am also in danger of having a filing cabinet just outright fall on me.   

So this is how I see it:  When I gave birth I was in a hospital surrounded by professional medical staff. When I hiked Mt. Washington I was surrounded by other hikers, the Cog Railway, and probably a few mountain hermits who'd be willing to lend me a helping hand and a bowl of squirrel stew. At the office it would probably be 2-6 hours before anybody even noticed that I wasn't around.


Holiday

I love my Dunkin Donuts calendar:

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

State Form

I love that the font on this state environmental form was chosen by an 11 year old girl.

School

My anger at back-to-school traffic is balanced by my joy that teachers are finally going back to work.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Performance Evaluation: Needs Improvement

Also find this post on The Collared Sheep

Twice a year HR forgets that they hired me to fill a mickey mouse position that even Mickey Mouse himself would find unchallenging, and presents me with five pages of employee performance evaluation statements upon which I must be rated. Suddenly all those months of tough guy talk and wishing that I could tell management exactly what I think go right out the window. Honesty has no place on a performance evaluation unless you're trying to get yourself fired. And if you're trying to get yourself fired there are probably much cooler ways to do it.

Therefore, you must lie about how much initiative you have and about your burning desire to grow within the company. Lying is not what I have an issue with. My problem is with the fact that 95% of the evaluation statements have absolutely nothing to do with my high school internship of a job. The questions were designed for employees with real responsibilities and real career goals. They were designed for people who have control over budgets and project scopes and who take clients out to the golf course and use phrases like "fire drill" and "skin the golden goose." You think I ever skinned a golden goose? Hell no. Only upper management is that sadistic. What I did do was book their tee time and then complain about it on Twitter. Those are my real responsibilities.  So, in order to help out HR who has apparently lost touch with reality, I have compiled a list of revised statements that I feel would more accurately measure my secretarial performance.

Best case scenario, HR puts a big check mark next to "shows mediocre levels of initiative" in my permanent record.

Second best case, fired.




Friday, August 27, 2010

The Mall

I spent a long time at the mall today and I learned a couple of interesting things:

1)  There are a lot of miserable people out there.  Now I know that I'm pretty miserable at my job, but as a human being I'm doing alright.  These people I'm talking about are miserable at life.  They're scowling, they're slapping their grandchildren, they're just depressing to look at.  And this is how they act at the mall, which is one of the happiest places on earth.

2)  There are a lot of moms who dress exactly like their teenaged daughters.  I can't even count the number of times I saw what looked like two teenagers from the back, only to find when they turned around that one of them looked like Tammy Faye Baker.  I look pretty young and even I'm getting a little unsure about whether or not I should still shop at American Eagle.  Why these 42 year old chain smokers think they can get away with it is beyond me.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Chilean Miners

I'm sure by now that you've all heard about the 33 Chilean miners trapped for the past 18 days going on 4 months.  According to Chile's Health Minister, Dr. Jaime Manalich:
"We hope to define a secure area where they can establish various places — one for resting and sleeping, one for diversion, one for food, another for work."
Ah yes, a place for sleeping, a place for underground sweaty karaoke, a place to eat your tubes of glucose, and a place to, hold on a minute this can't be right....to work?  There are two times in your life when you are entitled to lounge around playing Scrabble in your underpants,  1) when you retire, and 2) when you are a trapped Chilean miner.  What kind of "work" are they even going to do in there?  I mean if the guys from my office were trapped like that they'd be requesting rolled up tubes of engineering plans be shoved down the 8 cm communication hole.  "Our competitors aren't trapped in a mine," they would shout up to the IT guy because their Blackberries stopped working.

I'm pretty sure the miners however, aside from the oppressive heat and fact that they are sharing a studio apartment with 33 roommates, are pretty keen on getting a 4 month vacation.  To quote Manalich again, "The rescue team is creating an entertainment program that includes singing, games of movement, and playing cards."  Hear that?  Not "singing, games of movement, and creating new budget tracking spreadsheets in Excel." Live it up. You're hopefully only trapped in a mine once.

If my office ever caved in you can be sure I won't be crawling over debris trying to locate the fax machine.  No sir, until the day I run out of air and ketchup packets I'll be reveling in the fact that I got some free time off.  I suggest we allow the miners to do the same.

Vote!

The nice people over at The Collared Sheep who publish my articles without even having a gun held to their heads, are trying to win a $10,000 marketing package from Vista Print.  You can help them out by voting for them here:  Vista Print Make an Impression Contest

Thanks!

Busy

I've been too busy to enjoy my new filing cabinet.

Toilet

Our office toilet has now been running for 4 days straight. And boy is it tired.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Newsletters

Our last office newsletter came out in 2007. You could say it's because nothing newsworthy has happened since then, but nothing newsworthy happened in 2007 either.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Speaker Phone

Why do people need to use speaker phone when they're the only person on the call? What are they doing in there that requires total use of their hands? Look, unless you're chainsawing a unicorn out of a block of ice, PICK UP THE DAMN RECEIVER.

Useful

Here is an updated photo of my French memo board that I was so excited about. As you can see it is holding nothing but a Subway points card.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Monday

It's a beautiful weekend. Maybe Monday will die in a tragic boating accident.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Mouse Hand Cold, Dead

Chalk Outline

I think I should do a weekly chalk outline of my ass on this chair. Then I can monitor exactly how much this job is making it grow.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Workforced

I have a short attention span, hence my love of Twitter and flash fiction.  So when I find a blog that makes me want to read post after post, and keeps me laughing hysterically in my cubicle, I like to share.  Don Joe at Workforced.com is an office humor genius.

This is the post that had me losing it this afternoon:
Never before has another man’s flatulence so offended me. Last Friday lunchtime I was waiting for the elevator at work – a fancy glass elevator nonetheless. I know what you’re thinking: someone passed gas in the elevator and it was an unpleasant journey. In essence yes, that is what happened. However such simple words do little justice to a fume so noxious it could wake up the comatose, before killing them.  Continue reading here...

Time

It is 3:05. Time to start the countdown to 3:06.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Apple

I sat outside for a few minutes eating an apple. It smelled like dog shit out there but it's a little late in the season for it to be our dog-shit smelling trees. I must've just been sitting near some shit.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Haircuts

I think even Barack Obama might schedule his own haircuts.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Labels

I used up a bunch of sheets of half-used address labels. I felt pretty good about helping the environment until I realized that upon receipt, all these letters are going straight into the garbage.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Wanted: Vampire Slayer. Experience with Microsoft Word Preferred.

Also read this article on The Collared Sheep

InStyle magazine recently quoted Twilight star Ashley Greene as saying "I worked in accounts payable before and realized that I never, ever wanted to have an office job again." Everyday I too realize that I never want to have an office job again. I think about it when I wake up in the morning, before I go to bed at night, and from 8:30 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. Monday thru Friday. So why is it that this girl was actually able to make it happen? Let's take a look at where our paths may have diverged:

1) According to Wikipedia, when Ashley was 17 years old she had a passion for acting. When I was 17 years old I had a passion for AOL chat rooms.

2) Ashley had enough ambition to graduate from high school early and move to Los Angeles to follow her dreams. I had enough ambition to go to college and settle on a liberal arts degree that didn't involve too much math.

3) Ashley probably went on hundreds of auditions and didn't give up until she got her big break in a wildly successful movie. I went on three interviews and accepted a job with a guy who asked me for my "email number" so he could send me a fax.

As a result, Ashley landed herself the Twilight gig and 24/7 access to Robert Pattinson, while I landed myself a series of mediocre secretarial jobs and 24/7 access to regret and self-pity. But as they say, it is never too late to discover what you are passionate about and work it into some sort of enjoyable career. For those of us whose passion in life took an extra 15-30 years to present itself, my advice to you is this: Close your eyes. Imagine yourself as a pack of teenage werewolves. Imagine your career goals as a coven of sparkly vampires whose heads you must rip off with all the fury of your Quileute forefathers. If you keep your career goals in mind, put in the effort to pursue them, and be sure to sever the head completely from the vampiral spinal column, you will almost certainly be guaranteed success.

Failure shall result in an eternity at your desk job - never aging any closer to retirement.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Garbage

I followed a garbage truck the entire way home from work, which pretty much followed the theme of the day.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Matter to my Antimatter

This is a post from I Love My Job, a blog written by my polar opposite - somebody who calls herself an eternal optimist.  I'm pretty sure that if the two of us ever came into contact with each other there would be total annihilation of the universe.  In any case, while this post refers to a job search, I thought it was a nice general thought about working toward any goal, and I will try my best to keep it in mind.
"We can learn from past failures and mistakes, be we shouldn't get stuck there. We can keep future goals in mind, but we shouldn't get stuck there, either. The only way to reach our potential is to focus on what we must do now - this moment, this day - to perform effectively and win." - Joe Torre
Both are more like a marathon than a sprint - with a 162 game season, baseball is a great analogy for the numbers game that IS the current job search. No team is ever going to win every game, but they need to play them all. 
You may only care about crossing home plate, but you only get to touch home if you touch first, second and third base first.
A winning job search strategy: learn from your mistakes so that you don't repeat them, keep your eye on your ultimate goal, but touch them all - play to win every game every day.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Printer

I just cursed the person who sent the really long, slow, annoying print job to our shared printer. Then I remembered that it was me about 15 minutes ago.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Non-Working Lunch

Also see this article on The Collared Sheep:

The best part of the day, aside from when you get to leave to go home, is when you get to leave to go to lunch. Bosses often try to ruin this by scheduling lunch meetings, or as they call it “a working lunch.” A working lunch means that instead of scarfing Chipotle, you're choking down something from a place called Apple Spice Junction and surrounded by pit stains. Bosses don't mind working through lunch because a) they are able to survive on a diet of cocaine and energy drinks, and b) they have no life. Never do you run into your boss at Starbucks reading a book or updating his Facebook status. If bosses had Facebook statuses they would say, “Having a working lunch.”

For the rest of us, that one hour plus round trip drive time allows us to clear our minds of corporate bile and do a little something for ourselves. If there's a restaurant located immediately outside your office, don’t go there unless you want to commit relaxation suicide. Nothing sours a lunch faster than spotting a co-worker at another table. If they’re sitting with somebody else, you may stand a chance. But what if they’re just chewing and staring straight ahead? Depending on how much food they have left on their plate and whether or not they hold a management position in the company, it is probably worth it to just chuck your lunch and buy a new one somewhere else.

The second part of lunch begins when you return to the office parking lot. If a favorite song comes on the radio, sit and listen to it for as long as possible. If a song that is sort of okay comes on the radio, sit and listen to it for as long as possible. Check your Twitter app. Floss. This is called "multi-tasking" and is valued by employers. And, depending on the layout of your building, multi-tasking involves parking far enough away to avoid being seen by those inside having a working lunch.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Copier

Whenever our copier says it's "performing a self check," I feel like I should give it some privacy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Read-Receipt

I requested a read-receipt on this report I compile and email out to
10 people every month. I got 1 back.
Big clip, small clip

Monday, July 12, 2010

A billion ugly squares of clean carpet

Carpet

I moved everything off the floor so the carpets could be cleaned. The carpet underneath all the stuff I moved was spotless.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Doing Time vs. Doing Timesheets

I just watched a Dateline report about Joran van der Sloot and how he’s locked up in a Peruvian prison where he befriended another murderer and they work out together using barbells fashioned from sticks and water bottles. Which made me think – these guys don’t have to do shit. 

First off, they’re in a maximum-security prison, which means they’ve committed some sort of sick, heinous, crime. And if watching Lifetime movies has taught me anything, they had a blast doing it. These sickos are really living it up out there while I’m updating my boss’s Outlook contacts. Then they get caught and sent to prison where they are forced to spend all of their time sitting in a cell reading books or going outside to play basketball. Where am I during all this? Oh that’s right, sitting in my cubicle under the same lighting they used to film Alien Autopsy. According to an interview on CBS with prison expert Larry Levine “…in this prison, if you can get money on the inside, you can get drugs, you can get special food, you can get a woman in your cell. You can get just about anything you want.” Imagine that. I can’t even get a decent cup of coffee. And let’s not forget that they get all their meals served to them. For free. Granted, you are under a constant threat of getting stabbed or raped by another man, but hey, you’re a murderer. You can take it. It’s like someone telling me if I volunteered to get punched in the stomach once a week I would never have to work again. Where do I sign up?

Of course there is the whole issue of eternal damnation and having your soul roast in hell for all time. I suppose that’s where I draw the line and say “Hey, I’m just going to stay here at my desk, probably for the rest of my life, with my dictaphone and my Frappuchino and type this 5,000th letter to some boring old jerk who I don’t care about.” Because while Peruvian prison may seem like a paradise to the average office worker, at least we get to rest when we’re dead.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Monday, July 5, 2010

Back to Work

I need to get a good night's sleep and clear my head after the holiday weekend. Thoughts of independence and freedom have no place in the office.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Town Website

Dear Small Massachusetts Town: Somehow it is 2010 and your official town website does not come up in a Google search. Instead, the #1 search result is an unofficial page full of Linkshare ads for Barnes & Noble. I like B&N as much as the next gal, but my bosses don't give a shit about free shipping. They want meeting agendas and zoning regulations.

I finally found it after adding "town of" to my search, and only then does it show up at #7. Do you even have paved roads?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A Fine Display of Patriotism

I don't know about you, but I don't really find sticking a flag in the claw of a dead boiled lobster all that Ha Ha funny. This guy doesn't love America, if he'd stayed far enough away from it he'd still be alive instead of posing for some company's 4th of July cookout flyer. Melting pot...they weren't kidding.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Muffin

Dear Taker of One Quarter of the Chocolate Chip Muffin: Just take the whole damn thing. Or cut it in half. With a quarter I don't know what parts you touched. It's worthless now.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Ode to Summer

At last it's here, these summer days,
With Winter gone so far away.
The beach, the sun, they're quite the perks.
Except for those who have to work.

The weather jerk on Channel 10,
Says "Great day for the beach, stay home if you can!"
"The sun is out, it sure looks swell!"
To him I say, "Just go to Hell."

These summer months are all enjoyed,
By teachers, kids, the unemployed.
The rest of us stuck at our desks,
It turns us into jealous wrecks.

I used to drive up to the mall,
At lunch in Winter, Spring, and Fall.
But now it's always over-run,
With teenaged punks and carefree fun.

Instead I eat my lunch outside,
At the picnic table my building provides.
I enjoy the weather, it's picturesque,
But my boss can watch me from his desk.

Weekends always bring some rain,
Then Monday brings bright sun again.
His sick sense of humor sure is stellar,
That patron saint of office dwellers.

~ Secretary4Life

Summer

It's that wonderful time of year again - time to hide all my Facebook friends who post status updates about going to the beach and sleeping late on weekdays. See ya in the Fall turdfaces.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Yeah, I Wrote This

Published in The Chick Lit Review May/June 2009, a site that is unfortunately going offline in October.  I won't take it personally.


The gray fabric wall loomed up between them as it always did.  Gray and suffocating without the slightest intention of turning into an escape route to the outside world or at least some sort of screen where she could maybe watch some television.  The Price is Right would be nice.  It was about 11:00 a.m. and there would be a fresh new set of contestants who had the day off from work, or were unemployed, or were just plain lucky to be there, ready to bid on canned vegetables and fabric softener, and not stuck in here.  Here being an office on the 13th floor of a building in a city whose name does not particularly matter.  The name of the company does not particularly matter either as they are all very generic, with their cubicle walls that loom and refuse to turn into televisions or escape routes.  From within a cubicle Bridget Baxter-McSweeney tipped an entire cardboard box of paper clips into her hand, stood up, and poured them over the wall.  Click here to read the rest while you still can...

Friday, June 18, 2010

My Heart Belongs to You, Frodo


Many people that know me, and know that I’m a nerd, would be very surprised to hear that when The Fellowship of the Ring arrived in theaters in 2001, I had barely even heard of The Lord of the Rings.   It was not until after I went to see the movie that I picked up the book that my mother had lying around the house.  From the very first chapter, all those hobbits and elves and characters that you only talk about when making fun of your reclusive cousin, really sucked me in.  LoTR became my favorite book and set off chain of total dweebism rivaled only by Samwise Gamgee himself.  You see, the year 2001 also coincided with my graduating college and having not yet found a job.  I was faced with oodles of free time and a new goal to read all the books that I should have been forced to read back in high school.  To tell you the truth I’m not sure why I didn’t read them in high school.  I was in marching band for Christ’s sake.  Dweebism was rampant. 

Anyway, when I finished Lord of the Rings I moved on to Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Once I had my fill of demented, deformed, and ostracized freaks, I moved on to Jane Austen to get my fill of dainty 1800’s girls who didn’t have jobs and waited around sewing doilies until a husband turned up.  Didn’t take long to get sick of those.   When I finally did find a job I began spending nearly every lunch hour reading.  For the next 3 or 4 years I plowed thru book after book, covering everything from Animal Farm to Gone with the Wind to Huck Finn.  I looked pretty damn intellectual sitting in Wendy’s with my copy of The Silmarillion.  Yeah, I’m the one person who bought that book.  It's like the bible of Middle Earth if you must know.  

After about 4 years of this I began to slow it down.  The old time language started to wear on my brain.  I tried reading a Charlotte Bronte book a few months ago and couldn’t even finish it.   I think my body is rejecting anything written prior to 1996.  But I’m proud of what I accomplished.  I didn’t waste a single minute of personal time that I was given at work.  And that is kind of the point of this article.  Use your lunch hour to do something for YOU.  Read a book, work on your blog, go outside and take pictures, whatever.  If you don’t absolutely need to work through your lunch hour, then don’t.

I did good, and you can too. 

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Dear Lean Cuisine,

Maybe if you made your portions bigger people wouldn't need to eat Cheetos from the vending machine at 3:00.

Note to self - maybe if you didn't eat lunch at 11:00 am you wouldn't need to eat Cheetos at 3:00. Touché.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Google Massage

Google Maps has taken to asking me if I'm looking for a massage parlor everytime I search for directions at work.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Pickle

4:30 pickle break. Too late in the afternoon for bad breath to be of any concern.

Monday, June 14, 2010

My DIY project of the Day

I bought a French Memo Board at the Christmas Tree Shops this weekend. Ok, ok, so it has a weird orange stain on it. So what? What do you expect for $6.99? Which, come to think of it, is probably what I could've paid for a non-stained one at Target. But that's not my point. My point is that I've always wanted one of these and I finally bought one with the intent to put it in my cubicle at work. I figured I couldn't hang it up so I planned to just put it on my desk and lean it against the wall. Well that looked extremely stupid, nevermind all the potential for sliding down and knocking over my coffee.

The back of the board has two of those jagged tooth looking things that you're supposed to hang from a nail. Yeah that's right, jagged tooth looking things. You already know I hate Home Depot, so why would I know what they're called? All the supplies I had were a bunch of cubicle clips - those little clips that have two sharp metal pins in the back that slide into the fabric. I really wanted to thread a piece of string between the jagged tooth things and then hang it from the cube clips, but where is there a ball of twine when you need it? Not in this office. Not to mention cream, good lighting, and some damn privacy. I didn't want to wait until I went home to find string or wire or whatever, so I had to get resourceful. I spotted a silver sparkly piece of wire that I had saved off a Christmas present for God knows what reason. It had sparkly stars hanging from it which I promptly cut off. I wrapped the wire tight around the jagged tooth thingies, hung it from 3 cubicle clips, and voila!




I'm pretty proud of myself. That is, until tomorrow when it falls down, knocks over my coffee, gets stained brown, and I throw the whole thing in the trash.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Netiquette

This is actually in my IT textbook. It's covering the basics.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

GoToMeeting


I assume everyone has seen one of those GoToMeeting commercials.  I mean everybody watches TLC on Friday nights from 8:00 - ll:00 p.m. and then goes to bed, am I right?  There was a time when this GoToMeeting ad aired during every commercial break.  Sometimes more than once per commercial break.  I'm not sure how the advertising execs settled on that time slot but I think it went something like this:

Ad Exec: 1  "Hey Joe, hypothetically speaking, say you're a businessman who's sent to a conference in Vegas.  It's Friday night, 10:00 p.m...what are you doing?" 

Ad Exec 2:  "Sinking into a 7 hour marathon of Say Yes to the Dress.

Ad Exec 1: "Excellent."

Anyway, these GoToMeetings commercials exist to inform us that attending meetings via your computer is way better than the utter turmoil encountered when one must pack a duffel bag and attend a meeting in person.  Because God knows, nobody likes to get out of the office.  Meetings are especially troublesome when your employees are as bland as this cast of characters.  The fact that they're supposed to represent office workers who we can relate to is fairly insulting.  Though I can appreciate their lack of enthusiasm.  One guy's sole purpose in the commercial is to slink out from the side of the screen in a pair of khakis and a blue denim shirt and stand next to a list of bullet points.  Then there's this woman who looks like President Taylor from 24 and Rosie O'Donnell had a baby together.  She says something about how GoToMeeting allows you to do things you never did before.  Apparently that means wearing a beige colored cardigan over a beige colored tank that comes up to your adam's apple.  I mean, wouldn't you at least try to look nice if you're going to be on television?  Maybe she didn't know that the ad would run 4,700 times per night, or maybe she did it as part of her community service for attacking a co-worker with a heavy duty stapler.  Who knows.  All I'm saying is that if you're going to be on t.v., whatever the reason, wear some color.  

And let's not forget the guy who tells us that with GoToMeeting he actually made money.  When he says "made money" he does this downward pointing hand motion that he practiced in the bathroom mirror, which is depressing enough in itself, but what I want to know is how did he make money?  I guess he could've sold a few more sets of encyclopedias while he was in the office instead of at his meeting in Tulsa, but in all likelihood he was on Facebook.  So don't lie to me man. 

In summary, with GoToMeeting you can save time and money by hiring unattractive actors and dressing them in waiter uniforms from Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse.

See this post at The Collared Sheep

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Feet: Who Needs 'Em

Feet have no place in the office.  In a perfect world, feet would have no place on the human body either. But until evolution decides to grow pogo sticks out of our ankles, those unappealing appendages are here to stay.  At work there is no need to show an excessive amount of foot.  I will admit that I broke this rule today by wearing a very summery shoe that just covered my dogs in an array of criss-crossy straps, but I had a good excuse.  I was going to get a pedicure during lunch and I didn’t want to ruin it by stuffing my feet back into work shoes.   If there is one thing that I will not allow work to ruin it’s my damn pedicure. They’ve already ruined coffee and a large portion of the Internet.  Anyway, the shoes I wore were summery but still somewhat dressy.  I certainly did not want to return to the office in a pair of flip-flops. Flip-flops in the office are a crime against humanity, and God help us all if a man ever tries to pull that one off.  If I ever see a hairy man-foot clad in flip-flops, or worse yet, a decade old pair of Ann & Hope Tevas, anywhere in the vicinity of my desk, he’d better head for the hills.  And unfortunately for him, you can’t really run in those things.

Moving on, if you’ve got bunions or calluses, that shit’s not professional.  If you’ve got a harelip, fine, not much you can do there.   But it’s fair to say that you could easily keep your hammertoe out of sight. And then there's that sound. A friend of mine used to refer to the flip-flop sound as “bologna suction cups.”  That sweaty thwack thwack thwack, like a curled up piece of bologna being suctioned off the backseat of a Buick in July.  Only not as poetic.

In short, feet are gross. Keep ‘em at least partially covered at work, do what you want with ‘em at home, and I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for pogo sticks.

Coffee-Mate

What exactly does "contains milk ingredients" mean? I thought the only ingredient in milk was milk. Or does that mean it's made out of multiple milk products? Then what the hell does THAT mean? They're making Coffeemate out of cheeses and yogurt? No wonder it tastes like shit.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Sucks

Four days of relaxation wiped clean in less than 30 minutes. That might be a record.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Memorial Day

Tomorrow is a day to remember and reflect upon the passing of my only 3 day weekend.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Sorting With Style!

Ok, so I hate, and I mean I HATE, Home Depot, Lowe's, and any other kind of home improvement or hardware store.  It is total agony for me to go into one of those places with my husband.  I think it's because I have no interest in a single item that they sell and so there is nothing that I could wander off to look at while my husband examines bins full of screws.  I've hated them ever since I was a little kid and my dad would drag me around looking thru bins full of nails.  Oddly enough however, I LOVE office supply stores.  I walk into a Staples or an Office Max and I'm in heaven!  It's weird though because don't I hate offices?  Beats me.  All I know is that I could look at different kinds of paperclips, binders, desk organizers (wire mesh anybody?), and bulletin boards all day.

So you can imagine my excitement when I came across Sorting With Style which is just chock full of girlishly decorated sticky notes and filing supplies.  Tomorrow I'm going to suggest that our entire office file folder system be converted to Giraffe.   Hey, if we have to be there, we may as well make the place cute.

Um

I'm pretty sure somebody is peeing outside in the parking lot.

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's About Time

My idea to expand Secretary4Life into a resource for dissatisfied secretaries just happens to coincide with me finally taking a step to get the hell out of this myself.  This week I start my Intro to IT class as part of a PC Specialist certificate program at my friendly local community college.  There are two things that I want out of a new career:

1) to use my brain
2) to not have to do people's trivial crap

Using my brain will definitely be achieved in this career path.  And while I know there are probably many IT guys who have been sent out to pick up their boss's lunch, it is certainly not a part of their job description.  They have a choice.  I want that choice, and I don't want to be embarrassed anymore when people ask me what I do, and in the spirit of Jimmy Fallon, I want to tell people to "Moooove!"

Before I started this program I took an Intro to Networking class from ed2go.com.  They offer online classes for a reasonable price.  I've also taken some writing classes from them that I liked.  Check it out, it's a good first step:

ed2g0 - Online learning anytime, anywhere...just a click away!

Half Day

Taking a half day where one goes into the office at noon has to be the worst idea on earth.  Half my half day was spent showering and trying to do my hair in between keeping the baby from screaming.  Now I'm sitting here watching the clock until it's time to go.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Efficiency

I realized yesterday that the main reason I'm so efficient at my job is because I really, really, like to go home on time. And that's it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Alert! Alert!

The Google homepage logo is a playable version of Pac-Man! Cease all productivity until Monday!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

10 Jobs Cooler Than Yours

To kick off the new and improved Secretary4Life, let's start with an article about jobs that are way cooler than ours:

10 Jobs Cooler Than Yours

Ok, while some of those are pretty good, I'm not quite sure Doll Doctor is actually cooler than my job as a Secretary.  I'm pretty sure I'd have nightmares every single night if I had to look at all those vacant marble eyes and limp doll bodies all day.  Not cool.  It's also pretty definite that I'll never be a Voice Actor as I can barely speak like a normal person in my day to day interactions with people.

Hey, I never said this blog would be optimistic.

Why yes, thank you

I would love to negate my enjoyable lunch break by spending the rest of the day working on the one thing that I hate most on earth and then also come in on my day off tomorrow.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Itch

On Sunday nights be sure to slather on a sunless tanner that you are allergic to. It works wonders toward keeping your mind off of work on Monday.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Appreciation

You know when you wake up too early in the morning and you realize that you can go back to sleep for another hour or so?  It's the best feeling.  You don't want to be awake, but because you woke up you really get to appreciate the fact that you can go back to sleep.  The same thing goes for days off from work.  Normally when I'm not in the office I don't give the place a second thought.  But to really appreciate the fact that you're not there, one should take a few minutes to imagine the misery that everybody else is in.  At 1:00 think about the fact that their lunch is over.  At 2:30 think about the fact that they're all looking at their clocks thinking "it's only 2:30???"  At 4:30 think about all the last minute shit their bosses are giving them.  Really let it sink in.  Then smile, roll over, and go back to sleep.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Lunch Today

Ate leftover pizza at my desk and sat in my car for 20 minutes.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lunch

I would eat lunch outside but there is only one picnic table and about 25 employees. I don't like those odds.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Paperclips

I needed to pull 17 large size paperclips from my paperclip holder.  As I counted out #16 I pretended that if there wasn't one more in there I was going to be murdered. I enjoyed the suspense.

Arbor Day

I can't believe I have to work on Arbor Day.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

School Lunch

I just read an article about how some retired military officials are complaining that school lunches are making kids too fat to join the military.  If I remember correctly, school lunches were disgusting and the kids who bought them ended up just eating the tater tots.  I'm no nutritionist, but substituting lunch every day with 6 tater tots isn't going to make you fat.   And even if you did eat the whole lunch, what was it like a thin dried out hamburger patty?  Or a 1/4 of a cup worth of chicken fricasse? Or one slice of square pizza with 2 pepperonis on it?  If anything, school lunches leave you so hungry that when you get home you scarf down Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls in front of the t.v., and whose fault is it that those things are in the house?  In conclusion, schools are not serving food that is unhealthy but delicious (e.g. McDonald's), they are instead serving unhealthy food that is gross and that nobody wants to eat, and that needs to be taken into account. 

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sink

Yesterday I poured my leftover soup into the sink and some of the beans got caught in the drain. This prompted the posting of an angry sogn about how we don't have a garbage disposal so please don't ever do that again. I then scooped the rotting beans out of the sink with a plastic spoon. Luckily I've become quite good at this task ever since the fish food incident.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Holiday

Today is Patriot's Day in Massachusetts, a holiday celebrating the battle at Lexington and Concord, and yet another holiday that I do not have off.  But according to Wikipedia, schoolchildren in Wisconsin have Patriot's Day off. Schoolchildren in Wisconsin. Wisconsin.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Spring has Sprung

The trees outside our office, whose flowers smell like the worst dog
crap you can imagine, have bloomed.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Great Divider Scam

I was at Staples today buying A-Z dividers for some binders.  They had some for $7.50 and they also had some cheaper ones for $4.50.  Of course I go for the $4.50's because odds are nobody is going to even crack open one of these binders that I'm making.  I could probably put in tabs that list the names of characters from Lord of the Rings and nobody would ever notice.  Anyway, that's when I realized that the tabs in the cheap pack include an "Mc" tab right after "M".  Who the heck has an "Mc" exhibit?  Nobody that's who.  So if you remove the "Mc" tab you would be left with a stupid looking gaping hole between M and N that your boss would most certainly yell at you for, and so you are forced to buy the more expensive ones.  That's about as big a coincidence as Dunkin Donuts putting shitty lids on the small coffees.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Stink

The kitchen smells like somebody washed the floors with a mop and a
pot of coffee.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Windows

Why is it that the peons in the cubicles are the ones who most want to see out a window during the day, and the hot shots with the offices with the windows are the ones too focused on work to care about looking out?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Fish Food

Spent ten minutes of my day removing fish food pellets from a fish
bowl with a plastic spoon. Probably the most challenging task I've
been assigned all year.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Reports

Once a week for four years I printed out a set of reports and left them for my boss. It was no small task. It took an hour of my time and caused me to hate life. One day last year I decided not to print them unless he specifically asked me for them. He has never asked me for them.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Breath

The plus side to all your friends having quit, been fired, or on vacation, is that you can follow your cup of coffee with a bag of pizza goldfish and nobody will be by to smell your breath.