Thursday, November 18, 2010

Local Admin Can't Just Sit Around Eating Turkey All Day Like Those Pilgrims

From behind a steaming cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese, Administrative Assistant, Marjorie Bangs, 43, declared that while the Pilgrims certainly had some challenges of their own, they would never be able to survive a day in her shoes.  "Sure they gave up everything to crowd onto a ship for two months with nothing to eat but salted fish and maggot infested biscuits," said Bangs, taking a few moments to reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday.  "But did they ever have to deal with Steve's moods on a Monday morning?" 

When not chowing down on breakfast pastries, Bangs can be found ordering toner cartridges and printing out Mapquest directions - tasks she ranks above that of our forefather's quest for religious freedom.  "The Pilgrims didn't know what to expect.  There could just as easily been elves with welcome baskets full of homemade jellies waiting in the woods as there were Indians with deadly bows and arrows. So what was there to be afraid of?  Me on the other hand, if I accidentally type in Oak Terrace instead of Oak Street, and Steve is late for his meeting, I know exactly what's going to happen."  Bangs demonstrated her point by making a "knife across the throat" motion.

While Bangs acknowledges that brutal conditions resulted in the death of 47% of settlers, she also notes that it is up to her alone to remind boss, Steve Carlson, that if he doesn't schedule his colonoscopy soon, all the November appointments will be taken.  "The Pilgrims didn't even have appointments," she added. "And if they did, they had plenty of Pilgrim women to help them out. Those women didn't have anything else to do.  Here, it's just me."  When informed that fourteen of the Pilgrim women died of hypothermia, scurvy, and diarrhea during the first winter, leaving a mere four women to nurse and cook for an entire colony, Bangs made a point of mentioning how she utilizes hand sanitizer and always keeps a cardigan on the back of her chair.  "It gets chilly in here so you have to know how to take care of yourself in the winter.  Especially when you're just sitting for hours at a time."

"Look," said Bangs, "I appreciate everything those people did for our country.  But it was simpler times back then.  Some days I'll be juggling three things at once while Steve is breathing down my neck to do things his way. It's always got to be his way.  I have no freedom here.  The Pilgrims worked hard and all, but they never had to deal with this kind of persecution."