Thursday, November 4, 2010

I Knew The Sun Was a Jerk Ever Since It Killed Me in Super Mario 3

Ok look, Sun, enough with this game.  Alright?  Just because you support all life on Earth and without you every terrestrial being would basically curl up and die, does that  mean you have to be such a bitch during our commute?  Here we are, just trying to get home to our families after slaving away at our jobs, and there you are, dead center of I-495, being nothing but a total wanker.  "Oooh look at me, I use nuclear fusion to produce kinetic energy!"  Big deal.  I could have done that in ninth grade.  Nobody's impressed by you, Sun.  Not when traffic comes to a screeching halt every time we drive around a bend and your blazing jerk rays reappear. Maybe you were hot stuff back at 12:00 p.m. when all the doctor's wives and college kids were lazing around the beach basking in your holier-than-thou rays, but guess what?  It's 5:00 p.m.  Get over yourself and just set already.  I didn't leave work so I could get my eyeballs scorched, rear-end somebody, veer off the road, and land in a tree.  And I especially didn't leave work so I could spend the rest of my night trying to watch Project Runway with a major headache.  You're sick, man.  Sick. 


I don't know, maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that nobody's ever told you this before.  So I'm going to tell you now, as a friend.  People don't like it when other people get all up in their faces.  And they definitely don't like it when a 9,941 degree blazing ball of turds does it while they're trying to drive.   I'm sorry, I went too far.  Don't get mad.  Until I can get over to Target and pick up some Vitamin D supplements, I need you in my life.  I don't want this to get awkward.  


What the...are you laughing up there?  My rods and cones are at stake and you think this is some kind of joke?  Look buddy, not all of us have 5 billion more years to just dick around in the sky.  Why don't you get your yellow ass down here and fight me?  Let's end this once and for all.  Let's see who the real G-type main sequence star really is.  


For somebody who's 8.31 light minutes away, you sure know how to get on my nerves.