Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Know Your Competition

Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work this morning to find a whole crowd of folks waiting to interview for my job.  A bit perturbed, I pushed my way through, grabbed their resumes off the printer, and had myself a read.  Interesting bunch.  I can't say I blame my bosses for exploring their options.  Here are a couple of the top contenders: 

A cabbage with headphones - Apparently this guy came prepared to show off his transcription skills.  I'm not quite sure how he plans to type, seeing that he's made out of cabbage leaves instead of the necessary appendages- but we don't discriminate around here. I mean, I have fingers and hands and I haven't typed anything all day. I'd probably be more productive if I had cabbage leaves. Okay, that doesn't make any sense. My point is that we are an equal opportunity employer, and if a direct relation of the collared green wants to answer the telephone and make coffee, then he has every right to apply for the job. And with a personality like a cabbage, he'll be rolling his way up the corporate ladder in no time.  

Inspector Gadget - Sure it's a step down from the fast paced world of chasing Dr. Claw, but there comes a time in every cyborg policeman's life when he realizes that it's time to settle down with a nice desk job. According to his resume/packaging, Workplace Enhanced Inspector Gadget comes with "Go-Go-Gadget-Hole-Punch!" "Go-Go-Gadget-Conference-Call!" and "Go-Go-Gadget-Word-Document!"  That's some efficient shit.  I suppose I saw it coming.  I mean, it's like I always said:  If you can't keep up with modern technology, your job will be outsourced to a 1980's cartoon character.    

Secretary Barbie - Alright fellas, I know what you're thinking. Why should I choose a cartoon character with a pair of robot arms coming out of its head, when I could have this stiletto wearing, Cindy Crawford mole sporting, little number parading around the office giving me the old come hither stare? And to that I win. But I will tell you one thing - judging by the amount of eye makeup this broad feels the need to put on every morning, you do not want to see her the day after the office Christmas party. Also, her fingers are glued together so you’d better have a damn good reason for choosing her over the hand-less cabbage who had the dedication to show up wearing transcription headphones. 

As it turned out, management has decided to keep me around.  Inspector Gadget got called away mid-interview on some "really urgent" matter by a guy named Quimby, the cabbage kept doing this really weird thing where he maintained eye contact for way too long, and to everyone's disappointment, Barbie farted.  

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

20 Things We're Doing In Our Cubicles

  1. Listening for footsteps. 
  2. Ordering tickets to that thing on that day that we’re going to call in sick.
  3. Staring blankly at Outlook while praying for Armageddon.
  4. Synchronizing our menstrual cycles. 
  5. Deleting our Google Toolbar search histories one letter at a time. 
  6. Researching World War II on Wikipedia, followed by the lyrics to Thrift Shop
  7. Accidentally sipping yesterday’s cup of coffee. 
  8. Making fun of the company website.
  9. Starting up a new colony of bacteria on our keyboards.
  10. Wondering if it’s too soon to go pee again. 
  11. Losing muscle mass.
  12. Realizing that all of the 6-digit project numbers we’ve memorized have replaced all of the phone numbers we used to know.
  13. Staring wistfully at our empty water cup.
  14. Shoving keys, wallet, and phone into waistband of skirt and sneaking out for coffee, leaving purse behind as decoy.  
  15. Re-writing the final episode of Family Ties.
  16. Looking up everybody we’ve ever known on LinkedIn because it’s the only social networking site that’s not blocked. 
  17. Finally getting around to Googling “proper way to slice an onion.” 
  18. Wondering what that smell is. 
  19. Deleting email from
  20. This.