Monday, August 30, 2010

Performance Evaluation: Needs Improvement

Twice a year HR forgets that they hired me to fill a mickey mouse position that even Mickey Mouse himself would find unchallenging, and presents me with five pages of employee performance evaluation statements upon which I must be rated. Suddenly all those months of tough guy talk and wishing that I could tell management exactly what I think go right out the window. Honesty has no place on a performance evaluation unless you're trying to get yourself fired. And if you're trying to get yourself fired there are probably much cooler ways to do it.

Therefore, you must lie about how much initiative you have and about your burning desire to grow within the company. Lying is not what I have an issue with. My problem is with the fact that 95% of the evaluation statements have absolutely nothing to do with my high school internship of a job. The questions were designed for employees with real responsibilities and real career goals. They were designed for people who have control over budgets and project scopes and who take clients out to the golf course and use phrases like "fire drill" and "skin the golden goose." You think I ever skinned a golden goose? Hell no. Only upper management is that sadistic. What I did do was book their tee time and then complain about it on Twitter. Those are my real responsibilities.  So, in order to help out HR who has apparently lost touch with reality, I have compiled a list of revised statements that I feel would more accurately measure my secretarial performance.

Best case scenario, HR puts a big check mark next to "shows mediocre levels of initiative" in my permanent record.

Second best case, fired.