Thursday, December 16, 2010

Welcome! The Murderous Rampage Just Ended

It's so good to finally meet you!  Can I get you some water or a coffee?  Please, have a seat next to the chalk outline of our last Administrative Assistant, and I will be back in a jiffy. 

Love that sweater, by the way.  Ann Taylor?  Just as soon as I get this blood stained paperwork out of the way we can get started.  We've been swamped this morning, what with the arrest, the questioning, the police shootout. You know how Mondays can be.  Especially now that we're down a person. 
Let me just start by saying that we have a real good group of folks here.  Richard, the gentleman you saw being led out in handcuffs, he'll be your immediate supervisor.  Unfortunately he can't be here to meet with you right now - personal matter - but with any luck he'll plead self defense and be back in time to start your training.  That other man, the one who ran by like a rabid dog, that's Dave.  You'll be working closely with him as well.  He's frothing at the mouth right now, but after the inevitable restraining order that you will have placed on him is lifted, you'll find he's a real pleasure to work with.  God love him, it's like he doesn't even remember decapitating the Fed Ex guy.  So, do you have kids?

The position itself involves pretty basic administrative work.  Data entry, filing, never and I mean never looking inside the second floor broom closet, I swear to God if you touch that closet you will not live to see the light of day, answering phones, opening mail, you get the picture.  It's not glamorous work, but we make an honest living here.  Are you feeling okay?  If the mutilated Cabbage Patch dolls are making you uncomfortable, feel free to place them on the floor with the others.
We also offer an excellent benefits package that includes seven million dollars toward legal fees, a safe house in Stockhol - oh, pardon me, that's our Project Manager's benefits package. For an Administrative Assistant we offer two weeks vacation, unlimited visits to the emergency room, and access to our wonderfully secluded vacation home in Maine should we ever need to imprison -  I mean reward - you for your dedication.  That lake is gorgeous, and so very deep. 

One last thing, it's really just a technicality, but I will need to check your references before we can offer you the position.  The last thing we need is to hire ourselves a nut job.