Even Ficus Tree Bored Out Of Its God Damned Mind
Boston, MA - After three years of being stationed outside of that moron Scott Winston's cubicle, a 6-foot ficus tree has confirmed that if it has to spend another minute in this place it's going to lose its God damned mind.
"Day in and day out it's the same old shit with these people," said the ficus. "And God forbid that fat ass should ever take five minutes out of his precious day to hold a conversation. Unless there are Snickers bars dangling from my limbs he ain't interested."
Sources have confirmed that part of receptionist Marcy Brown's job description includes watering the disgruntled ficus once a week.
"Yeah that broad waters me, big deal. They expect me to hang around all week waiting for it like it's the second coming of Christ? Whoopty doo."
In a memo to Branch Manager Robert St. George that was never written because trees cannot write, the ficus expressed its opinion of how everybody in the office is either a total blowhard, major dipshit, or boring enough to make it just quit photosynthesizing and die.
"You think I want to waste my energy converting carbon dioxide into sugars so I can sit here and listen to these zombies talk about grabbing the low-hanging fruit?" said the ficus. "I'm a f#cking tree and even I don't give a rat's ass about low-hanging fruit."
"Get a life," it added.
"You know, I've got a sister adorning the lobby of Google out in California. Every day I wonder how it is I ended up here."
As of press time, the ficus tree was considering going back to school for a teaching degree once it figures out how the hell to get to the elevator.