Friday, March 4, 2011

Local Secretary a Total Fricking Rock Star From Mars

After clearing a multi-drawer paper jam from the photocopier with her fire-breathing fists, local secretary Barbara Peterson has declared herself a total fricking rock star from Mars.

"This insurance agency can't process me. You can't process me with a normal brain," said Peterson, 64, heading into the kitchen. "Oooh look, somebody brought bagels!"

Peterson first entered the spotlight as perfect and bitchin back in May of 2009 when she singlehandedly located a missing Word document from Wilson Insurance Agency's server.

"Look what I'm dealing with, man, I'm dealing with fools and trolls," said Peterson, motioning to long-time boss Marvin Cohen, 43. "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say “I can't process it," well, no you never will, just stop trying. Sit back and enjoy the show."

While generally referred to as "okay" and "nice I guess," by most co-workers, several have expressed concern over Peterson's refusal to particpate in the "You Finish It You Fill It" coffeemaker policy, despite the sign clearly posted on the wall.

"It was written for normal people, people that aren't special," said Peterson. "People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA."

No I will not pick up your dry cleaning

"She most likely does not possess Adonis DNA," said Marvin Cohen. "Nor should she continue referring to her co-workers as trolls. I've been meaning to speak to her about that."

"Look," said Peterson," I'm on a drug. It's called 'Barbara Peterson.' It's not available 'cause if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off, and children will weep over your exploded body."

While it remains unconfirmed whether or not ones face will actually melt off after trying Barbara Peterson, it has been confirmed by administrative assistant, Megan Myers, that Barbara Peterson will certainly bore your ass off.