Thursday, October 27, 2011

Employee Grabs for Low-Hanging Fruit, Dies

Bickman-Bergmeyer employee, Daryl Pitman, 47, died yesterday after a failed attempt at grabbing the low-hanging fruit.

“It was just so sad,” said Administrative Assistant, Donna Carr. “We all saw it happen. Our boss, Larry, had just gotten through telling us that in these tough economic times we need to go after the low-hanging fruit. The next thing we know, Daryl’s outside crumpled on the ground, the low-hanging fruit crushed beneath his massive frame. He was in no shape to attempt that.”

Pitman, who was all amped up on caffeine and corporate jargon after a two hour meeting about business development, returned to his desk to send what would become his final email to the office.

“I’m going to go for it,” the email simply read.

At 3:00 p.m. Pitman took a running start from the west entrance of the building, got maybe a quarter of an inch off the ground, and then went down like a tranquilized water buffalo. One pathetic orange and a couple of berries fell to the ground below, most likely knocked loose by a frightened squirrel, and were later identified by upper management as “totally useless.”

“It was the low-hanging fruit, for Christ sake,” said Branch Manager, Larry Marshall. “By definition, it requires no effort to grab. You’d think anyone could handle it. But apparently when you’re 5’ 9”, 290 pounds, even that’s too much to ask.” Marshall shook his head in disgust at the fruit stained chalk outline below his window.

Coworkers remember Pitman as someone who always tried to do his best for the company, regardless of human physical limitations.

“I remember one time in 2008,” said Carr, “when he tried so hard to give 110%. He’d get up to 100% and then he’d scrunch his face up real hard and start sweating. It was sweet. He ended up with a hiatal hernia and two bleeding ulcers, but I’ll be damned if we didn’t sign four new clients that year.”