Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Secretary4Life and The Deathly Hallows

I am re-posting this in honor of Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part II being recently released!

After going to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, I began thinking that it might be cool if the old Grim Reaper stopped by the office and tossed a few hallows my way.  Just because I’m not crossing raging rivers at midnight doesn’t mean I haven’t cheated death.

The Resurrection Stone:

There are a few ex-employees whom I miss and would love to bring back from the dead in order to liven this place up. “But magical spells that bring people back from the dead never work out right!” you say. Yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before.

I’ll bring them back and as soon as they realize they could be doing something cooler than talking to me about last night’s episode of Cake Boss, they’ll be out the door and I’ll be more depressed than ever.

But there’s got to be somebody whose life became worse since they left the company, right?

I will find that one unemployed, destitute, miserable soul, shake my magic rock, and suck them through the fabric of the universe. They’ll arrive dazed and confused in their old cubicle where I will be waiting with Kit-Kat bars and three years worth of office gossip about people they never even met. I'll be a hero!

The Cloak of Invisibility

Who wouldn’t want one of these? An invisiblity cloak would be be priceless, if for nothing more than to eat my ham & cheese in peace.

I don’t need it to hide from death, I need it to hide from life. I need it to take a nap under my desk and to make it look like that coffee pot is pouring itself. The possibilities are endless.

If you ask me, the invisibility cloak is wasted on Harry Potter – what does he use it for? Sneaking out for butter beers? Harry doesn’t have a job to worry about. Hand it over man, I’ve got people coming at me with dictation tapes and onion breath.

The Elder Wand

I guess there’s not much use for the most powerful wand in existence at a medium sized civil engineering company. We don’t do much dueling around here. And as we all learned after poor old Antioch Peverell was murdered in his sleep for possession of the mighty scepter, it is best not to mess with an object of such power.

Sure I could Avada Kedavra the hell out of anybody who annoyed me, and maybe throw a quick Crucio over my cube wall if that guy doesn’t shut up about his dogs already.

But when you’re the only one who knows how to change the paper in the fax machine, you already hold all of the power.

I don’t need the Elder Wand to prove my worth. Well, maybe I’ll just hold it for a second…


The Secretarial Hallows