Thursday, September 29, 2011

Scientists prove I'm an even better secretary than my delusions led me to believe previously.

Finally, along comes a study showing that something once thought bad (albeit by upper managment) is actually good.  The National University of Singapore says that spending time surfing the Internet at work will actually boost an employee’s productivity.  Researchers claim that this sort of “cyberloafing” refreshes workers mentally after long periods of work.  Granted, I’ve never partaken in these so-called “long periods of work” before surfing the Internet, but still. This is a study that we, and our bosses, should pay some attention to.  Also of note - excessive Internet monitoring actually leads to more Internet use by employees.  Looks like us employees are fine-tuning the act of spite.  Well done everybody! 

This was welcome news to me after reading a depressing study about that weapon of mass destruction known as sugar.   Basically, sugar leads to obesity, which can lead to diabetes, cancer, heart disease, etc. Sugar is evil.  Sugar will bite at your toes if they are hanging over the side of the bed.  These days you pretty much have to grow your own food in order for it to not be poisonous - and then you have to cover yourself in head to toe sun protection before going outside to pick it.  Even then, if you microwave any of that food in a plastic bowl you’re exposing yourself to cancer causing chemicals (according to a chain email I received from my mother-in-law).  Tupperware will also nip at your toes if they are hanging over the side of the bed.

It’s tough finding out that something you thought was good is actually bad for you.  It's even tougher trying to figure out which studies to pay attention to, and which to just shrug off as scare tactics.  But I have hope.  If researchers can prove that wasting time online is a good thing, who’s to say they won’t soon find that hard work, exercise, pap smears, and flossing are also hazardous to one’s health?  I have faith that modern science will someday declare us fat, lazy, and totally healthy.

It is then that a giant meteor will slam into the Earth, killing us all.

Guess I used all that Listerine for nothin'