Thursday, December 8, 2011

Merry Christmas to All and to All a $5 Gift Card

After twenty-five minutes in front of the gift card display at her local Stop & Shop, Annabeth Miller is still undecided on which shitty $5 gift cards to purchase her coworkers for Christmas.

"My cube neighbor, Jim, he never has time for lunch," said Miller. "So I thought I could get him one to McDonald's. It won't cover a full value meal, but that’s the beauty of it. If he just wants to grab a snack wrap or something off the dollar menu, this will be perfect."

"And Melanie and Marjorie are always drinking coffee, so I thought I'd get them each one to Starbucks." Miller plucked two cards from the display, then quickly swapped them back for two Dunkin Donuts cards. "No, these are better. If they use it for a coffee at Dunkin they could probably also be able to afford a donut. Probably not a muffin though." Miller stared thoughtfully at the gift cards for an additional fifteen seconds before hanging them back up on the rack as well.

"You know, I did see some cute Santa mugs that are filled with hard candies over on the seasonal aisle. A cup of coffee only lasts a few hours, but those they’d be able to eat for a long time," said Miller, shuffling off to the seasonal aisle and returning with two tacky Santa mugs filled with an unappealing assortment of root beer and butterscotch flavored lozenges. 

The most wonderful time of the year
She then proceeded to swap the McDonald's gift card for Sonic, Coldstone, Sonic again, Chipotle, Rite-Aid, and Subway, in that order, before putting them all back and grabbing a plain blue beer koozie out of the Manager’s Special bin. "Maybe I'll just get Jim one of these. I mean, he doesn't even leave the fucking office."

While she was at it, Miller also grabbed worthless $5 gift cards for her hairdresser, nail technician, and mailman, stating that “everybody loves eBay,” before changing her mind and exchanging them all for Taco Bells because “you can also use those at KFC.”

"God, I almost forgot about Susan,” said Miller, speaking of Susan Warner, her long-time coworker and confidante. “Susan and I have had so many meaningful talks over the years - I really want to make her five dollars special. I was thinking Red Lobster." Miller eagerly searched the display rack for the familiar red crustacean logo, only to be met with a "This item is temporarily out of stock" placard hanging solemnly in its place.

"That's a real shame," lamented Miller. "I don't know how I would get through each day without Susan to confide in." Upon being informed that there were plenty of $15 Red Lobster gift cards available, Miller simply laughed.

"You're funny," she added, her fingers accidentally grazing a $10 Amazon gift card before snatching a plastic snowman filled with M&M's from a nearby shelf. "One time the vending machine gave Susan a bag of M&M's instead of an Almond Joy. She made a bunch of jokes about how it was the ‘final blow to her crushed spirits’ since Almond Joy is her favorite. So this will be hilarious. Yeah, I’m going to get her this, and maybe I’ll grab a nice card on the way out."

After fifteen more minutes of debate, Miller was spotted filling her basket with travel-sized body lotions before abandoning all the gifts in a Pepperidge Farm display on aisle six.