Sunday, April 8, 2012

Don't childproof your house...cage your children!

There are a lot of people in the world who should probably lose their jobs. One of them is the guy at Wendy's who would read my order back wrong every single time because he thought it was funny. Another is whichever marketing genius came up with this ad for the North States Superyard (a product intended for “young toddlers or small pets”):

One might surmise that this child (who we can all agree is neither a young toddler nor small pet), was put in there to keep him safe from the roaring fireplace. Well, dear marketing executives, even my two year old gets the concept of "fire hot" and manages to stay away on his own. It is more likely that he was confined to this 15 square foot hexagonal hell because his mother is a raging psychopath. The main piece of evidence from which I drew that conclusion is that she's wearing a button up shirt just to hang around the house. The second piece of evidence is that the house is immaculate and the only evidence that a child lives there is a wagon and a book entitled "Christmas” (and oh what a sad, sad, Christmas it’s going to be).

Here's an idea - lose the antique urn and get the kid some Matchbox cars. That wagon isn’t cutting it. Sure he might like to wheel it around to kill time until he turns eighteen, or better yet, use it as a way to climb out, set fire to that bouquet of dried peonies, torch the place, and escape into the night. But until he plans all that out, it’s really going to suck taking one step and banging into a wall over and over again.

So listen up North States: if you find yourself in need of a consultant who knows the appropriate age range for a kiddie corral, give me a call.

Or, if you're just looking for a new secretary, I type 80 wpm.