Thursday, May 10, 2012

Nation’s Moms Glad You Have Nice Office Job

According to a study released by the United States Department of Labor, and longtime confidante and neighbor, Barbara Heffernan, the nation’s moms are just so glad that you found yourself a nice office job.

Over 85 million moms were very concerned that you might end up like your cousin, Ben Foster, who is too busy working as a famous Hollywood actor to call home very often. It’s not as if they’re asking to hear his life story. But would it be a crime to call and say hello and maybe ask about his father?

While the souls of the nation’s children are being slowly crushed by tedium and poorly ventilated office space, the nation’s moms have had a huge weight lifted from their shoulders.

“This is Marvin,” gushed local mom of thirty-six years, Donna Porcello, energetically passing a photo around 9:00 a.m. Zumba class. “He’s an accountant. It’s wonderful, just wonderful. He writes me on the email at least twice a day.”


The nation’s moms don’t want to tell you this, but they breathed a huge collective sigh of relief when you decided that you would just stay here, rather than leave and have to hear them complain about it for the rest of your life.

“Sure, we had a bit of a scare during David’s last year of college,” nodded Joan Nash, 65, from her place in line at J.C. Penney. “He mentioned something about using his Archaeology degree to go on this ridiculous “dig” of ancient Rome. Thank God my friend Mary was able to pull some strings and get him that position at the state offices.”

When asked if sacrificing the opportunity of a lifetime for a 10 x 12 foot office and thirty minutes for lunch, local son, David Nash, refused to comment.

“Oh please,” added Joan. “He probably would have strained himself with one of those shovels.”

While the nation’s children may argue that “that’s not the point,” the nation’s moms remain adamant that choosing a nice office job, with excellent benefits and a thirty-two minute commute, really makes the most sense at this time in your life.  Especially if you're planning to start a family soon.

“We just want you to be happy, safe, and nowhere near icy roads, criminals, or airplanes,” said spokeswoman for all mothers, Nancy Hunt. “I mean, unless you decided to become a doctor like we originally asked you to, an office job is everything a mother could have hoped for.”