Wednesday, June 5, 2013

An interview with all the crap on my desk

Me:  Good afternoon everybody, thank you all for being here.  It's been a hell of a ride, hasn't it?


Me:  I thought it would be nice to get all of us together and just sit down and have a chat about what it's been like working together all this time.  How we've all learned and grown, and basically, correct me if I'm wrong, come to regard each other as a family.  Stapler, I thought we might start with you.  How does it feel to have worked at this same desk for so long?

Stapler:  Let me just say that I've become very attached to everybody, especially to 20 lb bright white copy paper over there.


Me:  That's for sure.  Tell us about a typical day for you and the challenges that you face and overcome with the help of your team.

Stapler:  Well, some days I get punched in the head a hundred times in a row.  But then other days I don't get touched at all.  Once in a while I get so jammed up I can hardly tell my foot from my anvil.  It's a real roller coaster ride.  I'm just happy I have tape dispenser by my side to talk with. I can tell her anything and I know that her lips are sealed.


Me:  Tape dispenser, how does that make you feel to hear stapler say those things about you?

Tape dispenser:  It feels wonderful.  People often wonder how two forms of fasteners can be such good friends, but when I look at stapler all I see is another piece of office equipment.  I'm also good friends with a glue stick, a gold tone paperclip, and a brass fastener.  Diversity is beautiful.


Me:  So there's got to be times when you're having a slow day.  What do you guys do to keep entertained?  Yellow highlighter?

Yellow highlighter:  Sometimes when we all need a good laugh, rubber band will get down on the floor, like right in the middle of the cubicle, and just lay there for like seven hours.  He's nuts!  And we're all like "He did not just do that!"  Unbelievable.


[Rubber band shrugs]


Me:  Let's get serious for a moment.  DRAFT stamp, has there ever been a time that you've thought "Why must I always be a Draft? When will my time come to go Final?"  

DRAFT stamp:  Of course. What red-blooded rubber stamp hasn't thought about that? But then I realize that there is no FINAL stamp.  If I were to become Final, I would cease to exist.  I've discussed these philosophical musings quite a bit with FILE and FAXED _____ .  Thanks for putting up with me guys!


Me:  So, I've heard a few rumors about, how can I put this delicately?  "After hours" relationships between some of you.  Any truth to this?


Stapler:  Bottle of Advil, do you want to answer this one?

Bottle of Advil:  I knew you were going to do this to me.

Me:  Come on guys, the suspense is killing me!

Bottle of Advil:  Okay, fine.  I will admit to a brief affair with Bottle of DayQuil back in the winter of 2010. Remember when you were taking that?

Me:  Oh my God.  I do remember that.  I left it out for like three days and then I brought it back home.  I had no idea!

Bottle of Advil:  That was hard, you know?  Having him ripped away like that when you still seemed pretty sick.

Me:  I'm sorry, I had no idea.  I just didn't want to get addicted to that shit.  But I think I may be able to make it up to you.

[Produces box of Benadryl from purse]


[All contents of desk commence singing Vitamin C Graduation Song as we embrace]

End scene.