CSN Giveaway Winner

Congratulations to Henria O. the winner of my CSN Stores Giveaway!  Please check your email for your gift certificate code.

Thank you to everyone who entered and to CSN for giving me the opportunity. I hope to do it again soon!

The Joust

We've all experienced the office joust. You know, when you come out of the ladies room at the exact moment a coworker comes out of the office, all the way down the hall. You begin the horrificly long journey towards each other, fleeting eye contact mixed with an intense sudden interest in the carpet or emergency exit signs. Finally you pass and smiles or pleasantries are exchanged, or, due to a lack of coordination, one person is still avoiding eye contact at the critical moment. This of course leads to one person being snubbed and the offending party's joust etiquette, and worth as a human being, brought into question. It's a terrible thing all around.

If anybody has a good jousting story leave a comment below!

Superbowl

Nothing like a football game I don't care about to kick off a week of work I don't care about.  Eventually something I care about will come along and we'll share a few laughs.

Local Secretary Not Sure Where Carl Is Right Now

Contrary to popular belief, local secretary Margo Waters has disclosed that seriously, she has no friggin idea where boss, Carl Dickerson, is right now. Maybe he's out at a meeting, or in his car, or being eaten by alligators. What is she, his mother?

Waters has offered to check his Outlook calendar, as if that will make any sort of difference. You can just stand awkwardly behind her chair while it takes six minutes to load. "Oh look," said Waters, pointing to the words 'Private Appointment' blocked out from 12:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m. "Let me use my psychic powers to tell you what that's supposed to mean."

It being lunch time, and Dickerson being in his early to mid-fifties, he may have either gone to Subway for an Italian BMT or to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. It's really just guesswork you annoying ignoramuses. Do you not see that Waters, 32, is trying to order something from Babies R Us right now?

"Take this morning," said Waters. "I slipped in real late and was kind of nervous, but then I realized that Carl was nowhere to be found. You think I was going to start asking questions?" Waters expressed a similar sentiment when Dickerson failed to show up to her mid-year performance evaluation after being mugged and left for dead.

"He ain't here, he ain't here," she added.

When pressed by co-workers for comment on Dickerson's morning whereabouts, Waters took into account her boss's eating habits and familial structure, surmising that he could have been off having a massive heart attack or possibly hosting an intervention for that loser son of his who interned here a few summers ago. But really, he may have just overslept. What does she have, a GPS on the guy?

Waters, who really doesn't have time for this, also warns of the futility and total stupidity of bothering to ask when Dickerson is expected to return from wherever it is that he went - particularly if she is entering timesheets or reviewing a take-out menu from Arby's. "I don't have to know where he is every second of the day, alright?" said Waters. "It's not like I'm his secre.....oh."

As of press time, Dickerson was spotted leaving Centerfolds Gentleman's Lounge on Route 20 and will not be returning to the office.

Carl?  You in there? 

Copy/Paste

To whomever pries my cold dead fingers from my mouse, know this:

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, because I shall never have to copy & paste 78 pages of text again.

Amen.

Marbles

If you find any marbles, they are mine. I've lost them.

CSN Stores Giveaway!

If there is one thing worse than this miserable winter weather, it is suffering through it from inside a bland gray cubicle.  Couldn't we all use some cute new office accessories to spice things up?  Or maybe some modern office furniture to replace the outdated stuff?  As much as we'd love to just pack up our belongings and go home, realistically it does help to add a personal touch to the place you are forced to spend 8 hours a day.

And now, thanks to CSN Stores, I am giving away a $35 gift certificate to use at any of their 200 online stores!  You'll also be able to find anything you need for your home, pets, kids, etc.  Pretty much the rest of your life outside the cube.

To enter simply post a comment below telling me one thing you've done to help spice up your cubicle.  Earn another entry by liking me on Facebook or following me on Twitter and posting about it here.  I will pick a winner at random on February 7th.

Good luck!

An Open Letter to Old Man Winter

Dear OMW:

Yeah, you. Pry those bony icicles you call fingers off the remote control and come talk to me for a minute. What did we do to deserve all this? Did someone insult you? Did someone say "Hey look at Old Man Winter, he hasn't even caused an ice age in 20,000 years! He's soooo lame!" and hurt your feelings? If so, I apologize. Apparently they didn't know what kind of cold-hearted elfin bastard they were messing with. But I know this - while you're hanging around in your bathrobe, picking ice crystals out of your beard, and watching Maury Povich, some us have a little place to get to called work. I mean, fine, you're pissed at us. I get that. Wave your little wand, say your little rhymes, and make it snow if you really need to prove your worth. But could you at least cool it during rush hour? You are literally killing us here. We are crashing our cars and sitting through three hour commutes just to avoid wasting another vacation day. So please, just go take a shower, have a cup of coffee, and relax. It's only January for Christ sake, ever hear of pacing yourself?

And now, on top of everything that we've been through, you decide to crank out below zero temperatures? Are you kidding me, Old Man? Did that meteorologist from Channel 7 slip you a fifty so he could have a severe weather alert to rant and rave about on Sunday night? Hey, when Old Man Winter's such an easy sellout, why not pay him a visit? Everyone knows he left all his morals back in the Blizzard of '78. I hope you're real proud of yourself.

I'll leave you with this one piece of advice - if you don't cut it out soon, Karma is going to be a real bitch. You may be big, tough, Old Man Winter now, but before you know it you'll be locked up in the nursing home playing Bingo all day with Father Time. And when you see him, would you do me a favor? Tell him I said thanks a lot for Daylight Savings.

Jerks.