Thursday, January 12, 2012

Company Welcomes First Jargon of the New Year

January 3, 2012 - At precisely 9:37 a.m., amidst whispered words of encouragement from conference call participants, the first corporate jargon of the new year was quietly welcomed into the world by Boartman Consulting Project Manager, Peter Holloway, 36.

“Look,” said Holloway, speaking to Director of Marketing for Taco Bell’s Northeast Division, Ryan Berkley. “I’m not sure if an Asian fusion breakfast Chalupa is going to be in your best interest at this time of year. But, you know, we’ll run it up the flagpole.”

As soon as the adorable bundle of brainless mumbo jumbo made its way into the world, Holloway slumped back in his chair - clearly exhausted - while secretary, Amber Goldstein, wiped the sweat from his brow.

“I’m just so, so, lucky to have been able to share in this today,” said Amber, her eyes growing damp with thoughts of the overused miracle she just witnessed. “I know these sayings happen every day, sometimes up to three times in one sentence, but there is just something special about the first one of the new year.”

This was a joyous event for employees of Boartman Consulting, as the first hackneyed gibberish of 2011 did not appear until January 5th, after complications arose and an emergency team meeting needed to be held.

“It was pretty touch and go back in ‘11,” said last year’s proud Account Manager, Todd Berger, 47. “I was a few days overdue and I thought maybe I just didn’t have the strength to bring a new stale colloquialism into the world. But with lots of meaningless PowerPoint slides, several cups of coffee, and two lines of coke in the men’s room, ‘fail to plan and plan to fail’ made its way into the world at a healthy seven syllables.”

As the proud spurter of this year’s New Year’s jargon, Holloway will receive an extra shitload of work, plus a minimum of six abusive status update telephone calls from the client.

“Nobody said it would be easy,” said Holloway, reclining in his leather desk chair and sucking on ice chips. “But it’s the only way to ensure that our race of uninspired, insipid, drivel continues for generations to come. If we didn’t do it, the world might be left with nothing but original thoughts and ideas.”

As employees excitedly pressed their faces up to the glass door of Holloway’s office, taking photos and waving teddy bears, Goldstein gently closed the blinds in order to allow her boss some much needed rest.

“Beautiful, simply beautiful,” said receptionist, Marge Anderson, 64, reluctantly returning to her desk. “What better time to recycle the same old bullshit phrases you’ve been using for the past three decades, than at the start of a brand new year?”