Tuesday, January 17, 2012

IT Guy Asked to Put Together Bookcase

IT professional of eleven years, Chuck Brennan, 44, was in the middle of a complex firewall installation on Thursday, when asked if he wouldn’t mind putting together the new bookcase that just came in, when he gets a chance.

Brennan, who has neither the experience nor the desire to perform the degrading manual labor often asked of him, is unsure where exactly in his job description it says that he’s the office fucking handyman.

“I have a Master’s Degree in Information Technology” stated Brennan, gesturing toward the multitude of framed certificates displayed on his cubicle walls.  “But because I’m over forty, wear jeans to work, and made the mistake of mentioning a fleeting interest in Big Buck Hunter, people suddenly think I want to help them clear out the storage room.”

The bookcase, which Brennan barely even knows how to get out of the God damned box, requires the use of a wrench - a tool that everybody assumes he has because “he’s got all sorts of plugs and stuff over there.”

“A wrench, yeah I’ve got a wrench,” said Brennan, setting aside the fate of company security so that office manager, Shannon Cresley, will have somewhere to stick her binders.  “I had to buy a wrench last month when they assumed I knew how to fix a pipe in the break room sink.”

“Thank God for eHow,” he added.

In addition to maintaining network servers, performing daily backups of critical company files, and training the entire worthless organization on the use of Microsoft Office 2010, Brennan has also been able to add “vacuuming up rodent droppings” and “figuring out why it’s fifty degrees on this side of the office, but hot as hell on the other side” to his resume.

“It’s cool though,” said Brennan, hammering the last nail into the company’s new bookcase/proverbial coffin.  “Come Monday, when my latest Trojan is running buck wild through their wide open network like a pack of rabid hyenas, we’ll just see who has the time to assemble furniture.”

“Or, you know, go to lunch.”