Thursday, May 19, 2011

Yeah, Um, About Saturday...

So Saturday is Doomsday, huh? Judgement Day, The Rapture, that stuff that started happening after Frodo threw the ring into Mount Doom. Whatever you want to call it, the world is supposedly coming to an end.

So let me ask you this: why the hell couldn’t it wait until Monday?

Come on, man! This week has been ridiculously irritating for me. Between Snorks Phelgmstein and the Great Sudafed Famine of 2011 a few rows over, this awful weather, and the influx of people saying “knock-knock” before entering my cubicle, I’m at the end of my rope. All week I’ve been counting down until the weekend when I can relax and take my kid to the zoo, or watch Lifetime movies. But how am I supposed to concentrate on a movie when all of my pious neighbors are rapturously floating past my window? That’s going to be distracting. Nevermind when the lava starts pouring through my skylights. I mean, I have the ability to pause live t.v., but Charter barely even works on a good day.

I get two stinking days off. TWO. And now, depending on what time we are all scheduled to perish on Saturday, I’m going to get like half a day at most.

Now just imagine The Rapture happening on Monday instead. You drag yourself out of bed, get stuck in traffic, and then, just as you spill some coffee because you drove over that same roadkill that’s been in the middle of Route 20 since last Wednesday, it happens. Trumpets start going off, angels are shooting out of trees, and look! Over there! F-ing A! There goes your office building, swallowed up by a belching, sulfurous, lake of fire. Now that would be Heaven.

But apparently if you were a Hebrew school drop-out, there aren't any favors coming to you during the end of days.

So, instead, I created this lovely Someecard for you to send to your friends, coworkers, and those people handing out pamphlets at the train station. I shall have the last laugh after all. Well, until Saturday.