An interview with all the crap on my desk

Me:  Good afternoon everybody, thank you all for being here.  It's been a hell of a ride, hasn't it?

[Applause]

Me:  I thought it would be nice to get all of us together and just sit down and have a chat about what it's been like working together all this time.  How we've all learned and grown, and basically, correct me if I'm wrong, come to regard each other as a family.  Stapler, I thought we might start with you.  How does it feel to have worked at this same desk for so long?

Stapler:  Let me just say that I've become very attached to everybody, especially to 20 lb bright white copy paper over there.

[Laughter]

Me:  That's for sure.  Tell us about a typical day for you and the challenges that you face and overcome with the help of your team.

Stapler:  Well, some days I get punched in the head a hundred times in a row.  But then other days I don't get touched at all.  Once in a while I get so jammed up I can hardly tell my foot from my anvil.  It's a real roller coaster ride.  I'm just happy I have tape dispenser by my side to talk with. I can tell her anything and I know that her lips are sealed.

[Laughter]

Me:  Tape dispenser, how does that make you feel to hear stapler say those things about you?

Tape dispenser:  It feels wonderful.  People often wonder how two forms of fasteners can be such good friends, but when I look at stapler all I see is another piece of office equipment.  I'm also good friends with a glue stick, a gold tone paperclip, and a brass fastener.  Diversity is beautiful.

[Applause]

Me:  So there's got to be times when you're having a slow day.  What do you guys do to keep entertained?  Yellow highlighter?

Yellow highlighter:  Sometimes when we all need a good laugh, rubber band will get down on the floor, like right in the middle of the cubicle, and just lay there for like seven hours.  He's nuts!  And we're all like "He did not just do that!"  Unbelievable.

[Laughter]

[Rubber band shrugs]

[Applause]

Me:  Let's get serious for a moment.  DRAFT stamp, has there ever been a time that you've thought "Why must I always be a Draft? When will my time come to go Final?"  

DRAFT stamp:  Of course. What red-blooded rubber stamp hasn't thought about that? But then I realize that there is no FINAL stamp.  If I were to become Final, I would cease to exist.  I've discussed these philosophical musings quite a bit with FILE and FAXED _____ .  Thanks for putting up with me guys!

[Applause]

Me:  So, I've heard a few rumors about, how can I put this delicately?  "After hours" relationships between some of you.  Any truth to this?

[Ooooooh!]

Stapler:  Bottle of Advil, do you want to answer this one?

Bottle of Advil:  I knew you were going to do this to me.

Me:  Come on guys, the suspense is killing me!

Bottle of Advil:  Okay, fine.  I will admit to a brief affair with Bottle of DayQuil back in the winter of 2010. Remember when you were taking that?

Me:  Oh my God.  I do remember that.  I left it out for like three days and then I brought it back home.  I had no idea!

Bottle of Advil:  That was hard, you know?  Having him ripped away like that when you still seemed pretty sick.

Me:  I'm sorry, I had no idea.  I just didn't want to get addicted to that shit.  But I think I may be able to make it up to you.

[Produces box of Benadryl from purse]

[Applause]

[All contents of desk commence singing Vitamin C Graduation Song as we embrace]

End scene.

FML

Know Your Competition

Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work this morning to find a whole crowd of folks waiting to interview for my job.  A bit perturbed, I pushed my way through, grabbed their resumes off the printer, and had myself a read.  Interesting bunch.  I can't say I blame my bosses for exploring their options.  Here are a couple of the top contenders: 

A cabbage with headphones - Apparently this guy came prepared to show off his transcription skills.  I'm not quite sure how he plans to type, seeing that he's made out of cabbage leaves instead of the necessary appendages- but we don't discriminate around here. I mean, I have fingers and hands and I haven't typed anything all day. I'd probably be more productive if I had cabbage leaves. Okay, that doesn't make any sense. My point is that we are an equal opportunity employer, and if a direct relation of the collared green wants to answer the telephone and make coffee, then he has every right to apply for the job. And with a personality like a cabbage, he'll be rolling his way up the corporate ladder in no time.  

Inspector Gadget - Sure it's a step down from the fast paced world of chasing Dr. Claw, but there comes a time in every cyborg policeman's life when he realizes that it's time to settle down with a nice desk job. According to his resume/packaging, Workplace Enhanced Inspector Gadget comes with "Go-Go-Gadget-Hole-Punch!" "Go-Go-Gadget-Conference-Call!" and "Go-Go-Gadget-Word-Document!"  That's some efficient shit.  I suppose I saw it coming.  I mean, it's like I always said:  If you can't keep up with modern technology, your job will be outsourced to a 1980's cartoon character.    

Secretary Barbie - Alright fellas, I know what you're thinking. Why should I choose a cartoon character with a pair of robot arms coming out of its head, when I could have this stiletto wearing, Cindy Crawford mole sporting, little number parading around the office giving me the old come hither stare? And to that I say...you win. But I will tell you one thing - judging by the amount of eye makeup this broad feels the need to put on every morning, you do not want to see her the day after the office Christmas party. Also, her fingers are glued together so you’d better have a damn good reason for choosing her over the hand-less cabbage who had the dedication to show up wearing transcription headphones. 

****

As it turned out, management has decided to keep me around.  Inspector Gadget got called away mid-interview on some "really urgent" matter by a guy named Quimby, the cabbage kept doing this really weird thing where he maintained eye contact for way too long, and to everyone's disappointment, Barbie farted.  

20 Things We're Doing In Our Cubicles

1. Listening for footsteps. 
2. Ordering tickets to that thing on that day that we’re going to call in sick.
3. Staring blankly at Outlook while praying for Armageddon.
4. Synchronizing our menstrual cycles. 
5. Deleting our Google Toolbar search histories one letter at a time. 
6. Researching World War II on Wikipedia, followed by the lyrics to Thrift Shop. 
7. Accidentally sipping yesterday’s cup of coffee. 
8. Making fun of the company website.
9. Starting up a new colony of bacteria on our keyboards.
10. Wondering if it’s too soon to go pee again. 
11. Losing muscle mass.
12. Realizing that all of the 6-digit project numbers we’ve memorized have replaced all of the phone numbers we used to know.
13. Staring wistfully at our empty water cup.
14. Shoving keys, wallet, and phone into waistband of skirt and sneaking out for coffee, leaving purse behind as decoy.  
15. Re-writing the final episode of Family Ties.
16. Looking up everybody we’ve ever known on LinkedIn because it’s the only social networking site that’s not blocked. 
17. Finally getting around to Googling “proper way to slice an onion.” 
18. Wondering what that smell is. 
19. Deleting email from Classmates.com.
20. This.

The Secret is Out

I've figured out who the model was for the Outlook "add contact photo" template:

Snow!!!!!!!!!!!!

Way to go Weather.com.  Love the red alarmist color scheme and how the entire East coast is being engulfed in flames.  Virginia and West Virginia are pretty much drowning in a giant puddle of blood.

First Nemo, now Saturn?  These names seriously suck.  Obviously Weather.com wants to scare the living daylights out of everybody, so I'm surprised they keep going with such wimpy names. They need something that portrays misery and our impending doom - like using a list of serial killer names. I bet Winter Storm Jeffrey Dahmer would keep plenty of people off the roads.  Plus they could make cool analogies like "This storm is going to slice through New England like...." And then they could fill in the blank with any number of disturbing images.  That's right, Weather.com, I'm available for part-time employment.  Don't be shy.

Weekly BK Sign Roundup

Here's a couple of doozies from the past few weeks.  The first one I'm not even sure what it says. ANDTAS CHEESET OTS UTAREBACK is what it looks like to me.  And then we have the second one boasting about a delicious cup of cold coffee for 25 cents.  I'll assume that the letters needed to spell the word "iced" were lost in the shrubs and so they had to just do their best.  And as we know, BK's best is just terrible.

When life gets you down...

Just be glad you're not this woman:

You're feeling pretty good about yourself now, right?  You're welcome.

Gotta liven things up somehow...